A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm battling lots of different emotions right now and could really use some advice. For years, my sister has been sick with bipolar disorder and it's broken my family apart - worn my mum and dad down to shells of their former selves. I stayed living at home for years.. afraid to leave and upset the dynamic. I felt like somehow my being there was helping things not to get worse. My mum and sister had this sick, co-dependent type relationship that was so suffocating that my mum had to have someone to vent her frustration at and that alternated between me and my dad. I look back now and realise I stayed because I was strong enough to take the flack (and I'm talking about being yelled at over a plate on the bench etc), but my dad was already a chain smoker and was emotionally weak and wittled down. Heart attack territory. My dad was targeted as the main outlet for the first couple of years when my sister first got sick, but then, once he started throwing money at the problem, it became solely me. My sister needed my dad for money and my mum for the constant propping up and emotional support she provided.. and because she had nothing to lose from venting all her hatred and emotional anguish at me, she chose to.The past few years have been absolute hell for me and I can't beleive I didn't leave sooner. I never swore at them, never retaliated, except to be tactfully assertive i.e. "I don't deserve to be spoken to like that. I'm not going to take this from you." But nothing really worked. I was never allowed to be hurt, because I was accused of "carrying things on" and instead of getting angry over the completely unjustified abuse I'd get, I would just go quiet and stick to myself, as anyone would, but then I'd get in trouble for "seperating myself" and they'd make my life more hellish.Four months ago, during a torrent of abuse, they yelled at me to leave home and "never come back". Those words continue to resonate in my memory as clear as day. I packed my bags and went to live at a motel. I really thought then that I would never take them back into my life again.I've since moved in with my boyfriend. We have our own place together and we're doing really well. I don't want to be angry at them. I'm not. I just feel so hurt. They've emailed me twice in an attempt to make contact. Small emails, which in my opinion are pathetic attempts. I think if they truely loved me, they would at least pick up a phone and call my mobile?! But they never have. Saying “I’m sorry” and “I love you” in an email just seem to mean nothing after everything that's happened.I felt sad when I realised they're now selling their house, when I saw it in the paper. My sister has stolen money from my dad over the years, leached and freeloaded the rest and the family are poor. My dad just couldn’t find decent work and that resulted in plenty of bullying from my mum, who believed he should provide and keep her in comfortable living. Seeing the house for sale just made me so absolutely heartbroken. It brought all the pain back again. It was my home and they were my family. I feel guilty for not speaking to them, yet so hurt over how they've continuously treated me. I want to take them back into my life, but then ask myself, why would I? They're completely submissive to my sister, who hates me with a thousand daggers. Things will never be as they were when I was a kid. My parents were brilliant back then, but for the past five years, they’ve treated me like a diseased trespasser! I just feel so torn and confused. I don't want to feel guilty about not speaking to them, but they certainly don't deserve me back in their lives.. and it wouldn't make me happy anyway. I've been growing as a person and becoming much more confident without their constant putdowns. Yet, I somehow feel that my leaving means I’ve escaped a sinking ship. I’ve abandoned my family when they might need me. Please help me make some sense of my emotions.Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2011): Wow. I didn't expect such brilliant, heartfelt advice. Thank you so much everyone for taking so much time to answer my post so thoughtfully. Thank you so very very much.
I want to especially thank the anonymous poster whose parents have both passed. It seems we've been through a very similar situation. It certainly does bring comfort knowing someone else has struggled through the same. Makes you realise you're not alone in the hell.
My sister's never taken responsibility for her illness. Tried anti-depressants years back and within a couple of months her and I were on speaking terms. It was like magic! I had my old sister back! But she realised the medication was increasing her appetite and didn't want to gain weight, so stopped them. That was the last glimpse I had of my sister. I've spent a lot of time grieving over what's happened to her and I dream about the OLD her a lot. I feel like we should've had a funeral to farewell my sister because the hollow, cold-hearted, selfish person that's left now is merely a shadow of who she once was.
She absolutely hates me but can't even give a reason why. No one knows and she's even said she needs no reason. I've never discussed what happens in my family, well, not until I left the house.. and I still feel guilty if I mention it to close friends, like I'm betraying them. I was a silent sufferer for so many years. I try to remind myself it's ok to talk about it and I'm not dishonouring my family. It's hard though. You still feel protective over your own family.
I've done counselling in the past to talk things through. The psychologist told me there was nothing at all wrong with me and I just had to get out of the house. I was of course the only one in the family who saught help with the situation. Everyone else was in such denial, they'd readily blame me. I feel a need to have them in my life in some way, but thinking about how they sacrificed me in that house just to keep life livable for themselves sickens me. I know they always thought I was tough and could take it, but my heart was breaking.
Thank you everyone. I very much appreciate everything you've given me to think about.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): Also i would like to add that my cousin is currently happily married, with two cute little boys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): I have to say, I don't think anyone took your sister's disorder properly. There are medications and ways to deal with being bipolar. My cousin has it, and she is perfectly fine. My little brother (who I'm rather protective of) was diagnosed with ADD last year and it actually brought our family together. We knew why my brother was doing so badly in school and all of the stress that came along with that evaporated. He got on medication and is now top of his class. When he doesn't take his medicine (like on weekends. We try to only give it to him when nessesary because loss of appetite is a side affect and he is very thin) we can spot his ADD and try to help him. What I'm trying to say is I don't think your parents really knew how to handle it. Our family has already had mental health issues in the past so we knew what to expect. When they got the news they couldn't handle it, so they lashed out at you. They've realized their mistakes and are trying to make amends, don't you owe it to yourself to meet them halfway?
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (8 October 2011):
This is a complex situation.
Firstly, I think it is good you have taken yourself out of what was clearly an emotionally abusive family situation. It doesn't surprise me to hear that you are doing better, and being in a dysfunctional environment and part of a dysfunctional dynamic can lead to you feeling dysfunctional and behaving accordingly. You are also old enough to be living on your own with your boyfriend so it is appropriate at your age.
However, cutting your family out of your life completely is not a good solution. You asked "I want to take them back into my life, but then ask myself, why would I?" The answer lies in the mental health of your family members but most importantly yourself. Emotional cut-off from your family over time will have a detremental effect on your emotional wellbeing and will also shape your relationships and the way you relate to others in ways you can't imagine. It is not surprising you "would just go quiet and stick to myself" in the face of their dysfunction, but it is vital that you make some kind of effort to develop as normal a way of relating to them as possible. This means being able to express your feelings to them in ways that felt difficult and threatening when you were living at home in that abusive situation.
Essentially, the aim is for you to be able to be true to yourself and your feelings and learn over time to express yourself and your thoughts and feelings as an adult to your family members, even though they may not have the emotional capacity to respond to you in the way you want them to. They may still react dysfunctionally, and you might not get what you truly want from them, but their reactions are secondary to you being able to be true to yourself in their presence, to express all of the difficult feelings you have felt in the past, and to be able to express them in the present when they happen again, as they probably will.
Knowing that the family environment is dysfunctional, it is good that you don't have to say in it 24/7, it is good you can create your own world to live in, but cutting them off totally will not be doing you or them any favours.
I would also advise you to do this work with the assistance of a trained counsellor who can help you make sense of the dynamics that are at work, and help you in gaining the insight you will need in order to process the difficult feelings that come up, and to help you to keep yourself safe emotionally during this process.
Finally, I know that you don't think an email from your family is enough, and that this is something they should be able to express to you over the phone at least, if not to your face. That is understandable. It can also help for you to understand that they might not have the emotional capacity to give you what you want from them, or what you need from them, or to do these important things in the way you would like them to do, but it is a step forward by them, a step in the right direction. You might not be ready to forgive them. That is fine, then that is a good place to start, by telling them that, and telling them the things you think aren't acceptable, or that you expect from them. As you grow in your capacity to communicate with them, the great thing is that any change helps shift the whole dynamic, and in time they will start to change the way they relate. The progress you make will make a difference to all of them.
Also, the work of repairing and rebuilding family relationships can take a lifetime. Don't try and get everything done at once. Take things slowly, and look for how things change slowly, over time. Take a broad perspective.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): I never thought that I would ever learn of someone having a family experience similar to my own - I know that you wrote asking for help, but is honestly has helped me, somehow, just to know that another family remotely like my own even exists and that someone has been in a similar position to me - being abused - this is what they are doing to you - and the home being sold etc. The only difference in my story is that I also had a younger sister who was absolutely doted upon and who also started to treat my like dirt and that my mother and father both died when I was quite young, leaving terrible legacy of dysfunction in place.You have tried and tried and tried with your family and it hasn't worked. Instead, they have turned on you because they need someone to abuse in order to keep fuelling their anger about their own situation. I bet you sometimes are amazed, truly amazed at how they can turn on you like this when you have done nothing wrong. There will be huge feelings of guilt, dependency, failure, rage in your family and it will all have melded into one highly dysfunctional and abusive scenario. My Mum used to vent her anger on my Dad and then, after he died, it all turned on me and never stopped. I had done absolutely nothing wrong except try to help and to endure the situation, but I was treated instead almost as if I had murdered someone - such was the extent of her anger.For years - four decades nearly, I told no-one about my home life but just suffered in silence and, now and then, went to have counselling for depression. I was always certain that the depression was due to these past experiences and never took anti-depressants. I am so glad that I didn't. I now have a grown up daughter of my own and we have a very loving and honest relationship. I would lay down my life before ever saying to her even one of the things that my own family said to me.I suggest make emotional distance between yourself and the situation . Counselling will help you to understand what you have been through and to get a handle on the family dynamics. However, it won't necessarily show you how to behave differently - maybe something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you to see any unhelpful patterns in your own behaviour, such as anxiety or guilt and so on.In regard to your future relations with you family - mine were never resolved and I don't know how to advise you on whether yours could be. I cut myself off from them most of the time and, intermittently, faced more abuse if and when we were in touch. My elder (mentally ill) sister got worse and worse, parents now both dead, younger sister on her way to becoming a millionaire because she cares about nothing except herself and money and, in a move that I find tragic, learned years ago to abuse me just as my Mum had done and to also convince many people in our small home town that I was "evil". I had long since moved far away, so was in no position, geographically, to defend myself. Finally I just gave up when I saw that she was trying to destroy my life.I don't know what to suggest in terms of how to deal with your family in future, I was not able to do this. But I do imagine that healthy boundaries will be absolutely out of the window in your family situation, and that will make it very, very difficult for you to put any healthy and good values in place.I would concentrate on sorting out your own life and trying to be as happy as you can be. See your family minimally and, if you can, at the same arranged times each time - in this way you create a safe "pocket" of time to interract with them for the time being and, if they start to become abusive and nasty, walk away. They won't understand your behaviour and you will probably be insulted because of it. Get professional advice on this matter - maybe an organisation like MIND can put you in touch with someone who can advise you about how mental health issues affect families.If it helps you in any way, know that you are not alone in what you have experienced and that you have at least all the good wishes of one person - me - for your future.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 October 2011):
 You haven't really abandoned them. Most adults grow up and move away and come back on the weekends to visit. Distancing from parents is a healthy part of growing up. Whether parents are good or not children will distance one day and this part of growing up should not be resented. If your only help is to let them vent then your time there is not utilized wisely. Yes help them financially and with chores, ask about your sister, and that's it. That's plenty of help than what a typical person would do, which is just vanish completely. Your sister is the elder one, right? As much as you want to reunite with the family you once had, that power is up to God. One think that can help is to look at your sister as a unique person with challenges in life, rather than a disability. Visit this website about an alternative view of bipolar. There is one brilliant person who owns the website, bipolarorwakingup. Bipolar people needs understand and support, they don't need to be barred from society, they don't need extra money from family to stay out of trouble to feed addiction, such as going to jail. What your family needs is the belief that your sister can indeed live a healthy normal life. Your best help here is to confirm this belief.
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