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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I've lived in a very unstable family. Basically, my dad was emotionally and physically abusive with me and my mom, I've grown up in family problems and abuse for years, also my dad being a cheater (cheating 5 times on my mom) and being greedy and selfish made me hate men or even trust them.I've never been in a relationship, however,I've met this man a year ago, he told me he loves me, promised me to stay with me no matter what and that he will treat me with respect if we commit, and I've seen so much from him to prove that he loves me, although he's trying his best to win my heart, i still didn't confess to him how much i love him, it makes me feel vulnerable and weak to expose my feelings, my stubbornness to stay away from relationships and men makes me even more irritated from the idea of being with a man. I've been trying to distance myself from him, but get keeps trying, but there is this huge pain and trauma that remains from my dad made me think of myself only to keep my priorities, work,and money first instead of relationships. I feel I'm being selfish, although I'm very independent on myself after i worked hard for it, i still find it difficult to feel worthy of being loved or at least, to give love. How do i overcome this? It's making me tired.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2019): Long-term solution, go to therapy. Seriously, it helps.
The good thing is that you know what is the root of your problems.
Now you need to act on it.
I think that there's another side to you being so "difficult". You want guarantees. If a guy sticks around "no matter what", you think that he'll "stick around no matter what". Well, that is just not true. Nobody can predict the future and we all have to make our decisions on the facts we have right now.
You are not your mother. You would never put up with a man like your father. I don't know why she stayed with him. Maybe she wasn't financially independent, like you?
She should have left, if she could have, and protected herself and you from and abusive man.
But that is all in the past.
You are not her and you would leave, because you have the means to.
Now, the thing about life is that sometimes we are wronged and it hurts. We cannot control what happens, but we can control how we react to it.
Maybe this guy will cheat on you and become abusive, but you cannot know that. You can just judge from the facts you have right now - is he like that now? No, he is not.
Problems, caused by on one hand abusive and on the other hand powerless parents, are affecting all areas of life. You need to believe that you have control. And this belief is easier to sustain in a professional life than in the private one.
The only thing to do is get out there. Broken hearts heal.
I am sorry about your past and I am sorry that you grew up with a mother who made you believe that it is all about men who have the power, while the women, being powerless, need to protect themselves by finding the "perfect" man (who doesn't exist).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2019): Miss, I truly am sorry that you suffered such abuse from the key male role model, in your life! I do not call that man by his title, because he is not worthy of the title! I am a Christian so I would suggest speaking to a pastor, priest, or rabbi to be counseled, privately, about why you are worthy to receive Love! Your wounds are so deep that you need the help of a mental health professional as well. You cannot hold the sins of one man, against all men. Unfortunately, your psyche is not in a healthy enough place to know and understand that, yet! It sounds like you have met a good and kind man. Do not push him away. Instead keep him as your good friend, and perhaps after a year or two, of successful counseling, then a romantic relationship will bloom from a truly good strong friendship! I pray for you OP, that GOD WILL HEAL you from the damage that was done to you and place effective counselers and a Godly man into your life, to your benifit and good!!! Blessings to you OP!
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko  +, writes (6 August 2019):
 I want to add something to my previous post. Therapy is not always the horror I might have described. But you have to keep in mind that you will at some point address the foundations of what is bothering you and that is not always going to be. There is a reason psychologists have a box of kleenex on their desk but on the other hand, the office of a reliable therapist is probably the safest environment to talk about anything that comes to mind.
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (6 August 2019):
Psychology has an ongoing debate about nature versus nurture. The baseline is that part of our behaviour is due to our genes - I'd call it our temperament - and part is due to our experiences. The last decade, research points to the dominance of nurture: our past experiences are the main drivers for our current behaviour.
Turns out that people who grew up in a problematic situation, often tend to relive the relationships they had with parents or other family-members in their later life. This could be through a choice of partners, through their own behaviour, because they provoke certain behaviour in others or maybe because they will just interprete their situation from the perspective they grew up with. From what you've described, I could make an estimated guess which pattern is dominant in your case but there's never just one factor. I suppose, if you mull this over, you will probably recognize parts of your thinking and feeling in alle of these scenarios.
With the dominance of nurture in the human experience in mind, there is good news: you can add to your overall experience and to a certain extent alter the drivers behind your overall wellbeing. It can be quite a challenge or even impossible to untangle things all by yourself though. A professional therapist can help you with that. Sure, it won't be easy. You'll be in agony, you'll have sleepless nights, you'll have trouble getting out of bed, you'll skip meals or gorge heaps chocolate. Therapy is never a walk in the park; for nobody. But one day, you'll wake up only to see the sun peek over the horizon.
You hint at how much you love this man but that these feelings frighten you at the same time. That is what those feelings tend to do: you have crafted yourself an elaborate defense-strategy, but this was unacounted for. You can either chose to live by your anxiety and insecurity or to see your feelings as a wake-up call. Nobody can predict the outcome, but with help, you will reach a point where it's no longer your fear that decides.
On a more practical note: a GP might be a good starting point as they are supposed to know their way around healthcare professionals in your region. He might send you to a psychiatrist, but as long as you don't show any clear symptoms of a depression a psychologist is probably a better option.
You might also want to consider something like mindfulness, meditation or yoga. These activities won't solve your problems, but if you are prone to ruminating on things, they can give you back some agency as to when you ponder on your thoughts feelings and when you don't. For many people meditation makes you more 'mindful' - that is alert, receptive - to recognize certain patterns in your thoughts or behaviour. They are very useful but won't replace the counselling of a good therapist.
PS I can't explain why but while writing this, a well-known Oscar Wilde quote came to my mind: "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance;" I'd suggest you go out and try to find this love in the first place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2019): The fact that you're very tired isa good indicator that you need to pay attention to yourself.
You are still young and under no obligation to anyone so if you wish to end it with this guy just tell him that things arent working out for you as a couple and you feel a need to be completely independent again.
You re in an age bracket where many bonds are formed and discarded.
However, I think you need to see your doctor for a full M.O.T.
Blood count, cholesterol levels, smear test (very important as cancer of the womb does occur in twenty year olds and can be fatal but not if quickly diagnosed and treated.)
If you rule out all physical causes eg lack of iron which causes tiredness and lack of vitamins which affect general health, then you can ask for some talking counselling which is designed to lessen your worry loads.
You could go on a holiday with your current boyfriend to see if a change of location helps.
And dont forget to take a pregnancy test as early pregnancy symptons are often a complete lack of energy but things tend to improve after five months.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 August 2019):
 Sorry about your past.
But it's truly unfair that you treat this man in your life the way you do, because of something another man did (your father). This guy you are seeing has NOTHING to do with your dad, he isn't your dad and the ONLY commonality is that they share the same sex. HALF the World's population are men. ALL individuals. JUDGE each of them on their own merit.
I'm sure YOU wouldn't want to be judge but the actions or words of some random woman!
If you can't open up and SHARE your love, what are you really GIVING back? What are you getting out of it?
While I think people throw out "therapy" a lot these days, you seem like a person who could use some. To perhaps get a better handle on LETTING go of the past.
EACH day you let your father and his actions in the past RULE your life is ONE day LESS that you get to find your own happiness. It might not BE with a partner. But being with someone and and pouring out "lava" around you to create an emotional barrier, is doing YOU no good and the guy you are with no good.
FWIW - you ARE worthy of being loved and loving someone. EVERYONE is, even your father. The difference is that YOU can figure out for YOU what love is, something I think you dad never did and probably never will. HIS LOSS, don't make it yours.
Life is too short to live in the past.
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