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female
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anonymous
writes:I really really need some advice!I posted a question on this situation a while ago. I got some advice off a few of the agony aunts which i am truly grateful for!It's about my ex boyfriend, who i am still madly in love with after 3 years. The problem is, he dosen't seem to want a relationship and is not very serious about me and him getting back together.We are still in contact with each other through phone and now and again, he'll turn up round at my house, but usually, he's expecting sex. For the past year or so, this is how it's been, us just being sex partners. But even though i have been consenting to sex and actually doing it, it's not what i want. I have been hoping and wishing that each time we see eachother, somehow we'll get back together and sort everything out, because once, we had something special, but this never happens.Anyway, i saw him about a week ago and decided to tell him that it's all or nothing like the agony aunts advised me to do. I told him that me and him just having sex and nothing else isn't good enough for me. He said he can't see anything wrong with things the way they are now, but i told him i can because i want more than that. He said he has feelings for me but he wants to leave it like it is for now. So i have come to the conclusion that we both want different things.The other problem is that we still keep in contact, and it's like he wants to keep me in his life for a reason, and not just for sex. But he hasn't told me otherwise so i really don't know what he wants. When i tried to talk to him, he just didn't open up properly and tell me what i needed to know.I feel like i can't move on. Not just because i still love him but i don't know what he wants. I know a lot of people will tell me to cut off all contact but i find it impossible. I still love him and i feel like we need eachother.Speaking to eac hother on the phone has become a regularity, but when i see him after months and months, it really does have an effect on me. Now he's gone back home, i can't stop crying because seeing him again has brought everything back and i just can't stop loving him. I know i can't wait around forever until he makes his mind up, but he is the only person i want to be with. I find it impossible to move on however much i try. I am only 18 years old and i know there is a life to live without him but i simply don't want to live without him. I would have thought by now, after 3 years, i would be over him but i'm not.I really would appreciate anyone's advice. Whether you've had experience or not. PLEASE PLEASE help me, i really need advice on what's best to do in this situationthanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everybody for their great responses on my situation. It has helped me think a lot about my life in general and, of course my ex.
Thanks to all of you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2006): Hi, I can totally understand how you feel. Im in the exact same boat as you but a bit older and also a divorcee who you would have thought knew better. When I met my ex two years ago i just knew he was my friend/lover/soulmate and to this very day no matter how much he has hurt me and continues to do so, i still think the same thing. Like you we have regular contact on the phone and on the rare occassion meet and the feelings always come flooding back. You probably ask yourself the same questions as I do "why am i tormenting myself, dont i deserve to be happy, whats wrong with me that he cant commit (on that one I can assure you its them, not you!!)". In all honesty we are tormenting ourselves because we love them but we both deserve happiness so we both need to go find it elsewhere and move on as hard as it is. I really wish you all the luck and happiness! We both deserve it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2006): when my ex boyfriend of five yrs left me for another woman, i still truely loved him so much and continued to have sex with him eah time he came back to me for a few months after he'd left me because like you, i was dreaming of us getting back together. I was 19 at the time. Then I went on holiday with the girls, and it totally opened my eyes. I was so young, and so are you! There is a whole world of clubbing and so many experiences you can do being single, or with a new man, you really dont need to re visit the past. You seem very low and unhappy, and he is the reason. The best possible thing you can do is move on. I know its hard but you can do it. Get a new hobbie, join the gym, you'll have a fab new bod intime for the beach this summer, just start enjoying life ..have fun xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2006): This may come off as harsh, but you may need to picture this in the harshest possible light to move on effectively.
I commend you for making it clear to him that you were unfulfilled with being just "friends with benefits". Being fuck-buddies when one partner is stuck on fantasizing about an actual relationship is one of the most self-destructive things one can do. Ideally, in casual relationships like this, both parties enter in knowing the terms of the engagement, which it looks like you clarified just recently when you made your demands.
Perhaps your ex only realized the extent of your devotion that instant when you told him, perhaps not. Either way, his reaction comes out loud and clear - he saw his regular fuck slipping away and, rather than do the honourable thing and accept that the relationship was not fair to you, wimped out and uttered some vague words about "still having feelings" to keep you guessing. If he DID still have feelings, he wouldn't inflict this kind of agony on you. Instead, he's willing to manipulate your emotions so that he can have all the conveniences of an attentive, doting girlfriend with none of the investment on his part. That isn't the kind of person you should think about spending the rest of your life with.
Your resolve before sounded good, you just need to stay the course at this point and restate your position. Don't listen to what he says - pay attention to what he is actually doing here.
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female
reader, chrissymarie +, writes (8 February 2006):
 ive kind of had this experience except he told me that we was dating and to come to find out he said that we wasnt, but i can try to give you good advice on what to do....
first of all i dont think you should keep in contact with him anymore and when you do see him dont give him no sex, because if you keep giving him sex he will be like i dont need to date her shes just giving it up to me....and if you stop contacting with him then your feelings will fade away for him and then you can move on to another guy who will love you for you not for sex...
your still young move on from this guy, there are lots of guys out there that will want to be with you i am sure of that....the only advice people can tell you is move on hes not worth your time hes playing head games with you! well good luck
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