A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been having so many problems lately. Financially, sexually, and emotionally and I really don't know what to do. We've have 3 kids and I'm a stay at home mom. Whenever I'm upset, I like to vent to him so I don't explode and that usually works for us but lately he doesn't wanna hear what I have to say! If I'm having a good day, he'll stay on the phone but as soon as I say "hey babe, today has been so hectic...", he completely tunes me out or says dismissive things like "you knew having kids would be hard". It really hurts my feelings! A few days ago we got into a huge fight and I feel like a small thing turned into something way to big. I told him I would like to bring the romance back and for us to go on more dates and have one on one time and he completely took it the wrong way saying I'm never happy and I complain too much. But the problem is: I'm home ALL day,around the kids ALL day, cooking and cleaning and just taking care of everyone. I'm ready to enjoy life and enjoy my husband. I feel like we're more like room mates. We don't have sex unless he wants to, there's no cuddling, no talking, no nothing and I'm tired of it! Every time I mention that u would like us to go out more or for me to have alone time doing a hobby, he tells me to just leave the family since I don't wanna do wife things or be a mom. The other day, I pulled out $300 for groceries, gas, and shopping for summer clothes and he gives me a lecture on wasting money as if I spent the whole thing on myself!! I had my best friend over for dinner tonight while he was at work and when he called we were still eating and he just hangs the phone up on me, annoyed that I'm having fun. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not allowed to do anything. If I go out, he company about me wasting gas, if I buy myself a few new clothes, he complains I don't need it (I haven't had a baby in a year, and I'm STILL wearing maternity clothes jus to save myself from an argument!!) I've mentioned we needed to do counseling 2 yrs ago and he always says ok but never puts in the effort to schedule an appointment. I've said I'm ready to continue my education and he says I can't because I need to be here with the kids. I've mentioned getting a part time job to get out the house and bring in more $$, and he says no because we can't afford a baby sitter. I'm just wanting my own identitiy!! I don't know how much more I could take!! Please someone help me save my family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015): Get that part time job.Do not worry about day care because only work when hubby is home and save that daycare money.You live in the us like me.There is a federal program that pays your daycare for you.Goggle it.When my 3 kids were small I worked full time and so did my husband...we just worked different shifts.Why pay all the money you work for daycare.Yes he will have to pick up some of that slack but a marriage is a partnership.And if he says just leave the kids with me and end the marriage if you want to work ha.You take those kids with you and he can pay you some child support and alimony.He may also be forced by the court to pay for your childcare.You should not still have to wear maternity stuff at all. Get in consulting and let them tell you how right I am.Your hubby just needs to hear it from someone else.The not getting you outfits that fit you is a form of control and the consulor will tell him that.Nowdays it takes 2 incomes to support a family.Do not let him walk all over you...It is not 1950 anymore women have come along way in todays world.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2015): Why are you waiting for your husband to make an appointment with a marriage counselor? You need to do this right away and keep it. He has already agreed to go, so make it happen. You are too needy and resentful of him, and he is to dismissive of you. Neither of you seems to have much appreciation for what the other brings to the family.Sounds like he either may have some resentment about having so many children that maybe he didn't choose, or plan, or want; or that he has very antiquated ideas about what a "wife's job" is supposed to be. Either way, I think counseling is your way to go to get on the same page, and try to understand where the other is coming from.Also, do not always expect him to be your sounding board for your frustrations. He has his own problems that he is not bothering you about. Find another friend to vent to!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2015):
 Chi girl - Kindergartens are GREAT, but in the US they can be harder to find (not like in Scandinavia where you have government owned/run kindergartens/daycare) and they CAN be expensive.
Considering that a person on MINIMUM wages only make $6-9 an hour, and a daycare can be $3-10 per hour PER kid. It can be hard to do both. Plus you might have to have 2 cars, which means 2 car payments, twice as much gas used, insurance etc.. And then if you look at the job marked as it is right now in the US, can be hard to find one.
So while I agree that getting a job would be a great solution, it's not ALWAYS that simple. (much easier in Scandinavia, unemployed mothers can even get daycare.)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 May 2015):
 You don't need a baby sitter, you need a kinder garden. They're cheaper than baby sitters, more professional, and the entire purpose of them is to allow mothers to work. If they cost more than you'd bring in, there'd be no purpose to them. So screw what he says about that, it's not true. Find yourself a job, figure out how much they'd pay you. Then figure out what child care would cost you and do the math yourself. You do not need him to decide everything for you, make your own decisions. It's not HIS money, btw, you are married. Whatever he brings in, is also yours, because you work for FREE for HIM to be able to go to work. You're actually more expensive to keep at home looking after the kids, than if you had the kids in a kinder garden.
I mean, do the math. What would you earn on a job it's fair to say you'd be able to get? What would a fair estimate of your salary be? Would child care cost more or less?
Most people have children in child care because they CAN NOT AFFORD to have a stay at home parent. So yeah, it pretty much works the opposite way of what he's telling you. It is more financially responsible for you to work, and let the children be in some form of day care, than it is for you to waste your hours (hours that could be working hours).
I strongly recommend you find a job and not be stuck at the house.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (28 May 2015):
 What you described is so very typical of how financial problems strap and choke an otherwise perfect marriage: the guy is focused on surviving financially and construes everything towards that purpose but the woman is unable to keep that regimen because, biologically, women crave attention and must get it in order to maintain their connection. For men, achievement is their ultimate motivator. For women, staying connected (or avoiding neglect) is what motivates her. To a guy it is perfectly logical to subordinate everything in order to achieve a goal, and that is what your man is telling you. Although logical, your biology says that such regimen is disconnecting you from what ultimately binds you to this marriage, which is your man. Problem is that most men maintain their logic only one way, which is towards the financial goal, and fail to employ any logic to provide you with attention.And this is so typical of husbands, with so many stubbornly clinging that everything has to be subordinated so that the family financially survives, but fail to be so stubborn to understands what keeps that family together in the first place: it is your affection for him, which translates into your loyalty for him, which becomes your sacrifice to follow his regimen. It sort of goes like this in a chain:1) mutual affection-- 2) mutual loyalty -- 3) mutual sacrifice He is so focused on number 3, that the first two kernels of your marriage are collapsing. You are not in a dire predicament with your marriage yet because you have noticed all of this. The problem here is whether your man understands that there are two more emotional knots behind his logic. Once he gets to understand this logic, he will seek out ways to find balance in his life and rekindle the romantic spirit.You should work on that, on getting him to understand that something needs to be done. His willingness to do counseling is very positive, meaning that he is responsive and flexible to some extent. Push for that because, there, you will find specific strategies that fit your marriage. So don't despair now that you have some sort of a road map with which you can operate. You have noticed that something isn't right, but the first order of business is not to quit the marriage but to put all possible effort on fixing it. Only after that fails quitting becomes an option.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2015):
Sit him down. TELL him that YOU have needs too. All the you GIVE GIVE GIVE to the kids, the house and the family - YOU need him to WANT to BE around you, cuddle and watch tv, have bi-weekly nights out (they do NOT) have to cost an arm and a leg.
Make a budget WITH him. So you both know. You should also have an "allowance" if you can not work out of the home. After all, if you were to pay for a baby sitter for 3 kids, a maid, a cook... HOW much do you think THAT would cost you both? You should be able to spend a little on new clothes - however, IF there really isn't money for it, you two need to figure out how to make it work.
We lived 5 people (3 kids,2 adults) on HALF a paycheck. I did NOT buy NEW clothes for myself, I found stuff at the Thrift store ( you can find MANY thing with tags still on). While the kids were little MANY of their clothes came from there too. Why spend $25 on a pair of jeans they fit for 4 months when I can find a pair for $1.50 ?
I grew a LOT of veggies in the backyard. Tomatoes, peppers, lettuce - much cheaper too.
I DO think YOU need to look into finding a job. At least a part time ( IF it can pay for daycare & something to contribute to the family expenses.) Because I think you are simply fed up with being a SAHM. THAT is NOT up to him to decide and pass judgement over whether you can work or not.
I do agree with Sensitive Bloke. He is taking you 100% for granted. I have met SO MANY men who thinks a SAHM is a walk in the park. My own husband SUGGESTED I become a SAHM, because we were expecting a relocation due to his job. He thought it was an easy thing to do. Just "watch" the kids, clean a little, feed them... easy! At least until I got sick and ended up in the hospital leaving HIM to take care of 3 kids by himself. He apologized and acknowledged that it's NOT as easy as it can seem.
Maybe what you need is to GIVE him a week-end where HE has to do everything, you go visit family or whatnot. He really doesn't seem to appreciate what YOU do for the family.
You didn't just decide on your own to HAVE 3 kids. Pretty sure he had a part in that too.
TALK to him.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (28 May 2015):
 He isn't thinking about you or your feelings. He just wants you to do your motherly duties and nothing else. This is no way to live, and sooner or later you will probably reach the end of your tether and leave him.
Every relationship needs emotional investment, and going out on dates with your husband is important. It's not a luxury, it's critical if your marriage is to thrive. It doesn't need to be expensive, but it needs to be time you can spend alone with each other having fun and talking about things that are important to you.
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