A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married to a fantastic man and 2 beautiful children. My husband has been working alot, we are trying to save money to buy a house so we are in a rental now and it seems this is the hardest time for us. It is like we just co-exist in the same house. I went out with a man awhile ago for about 5yrs and we were in such love. We joked around like kids and I just figured we would be together forever. Then suddenly he started drinking alot, doing drugs and being abusive. I stayed as long as I could and tried to help him, but I couldn't. I have always loved him and everyone knows it! Recently I got a letter from him, he was in jail. Then letter was a long apology for the way he became, and he wanted to talked to me so, I went to visit. We had coffee and laughed and he spilled his guts to me about everything that he was struggling with. I had a very good visit and it was like we never even split. He continues to write me all the time and says how much he misses me, that my husband is so lucky, and he envies the life I have now. He says all he wants to do is deal w his problems, get married and have kids. I love my husband, but to follow my heart and be with the love of my life! Their is a smart safe chice and their is the choice in my heart, but I don't even think I could survive a relapse from him and I would never want my children exposed to anything crazy! Help my heart hurts?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): i think you need time to ponder the last anon males message. he cheated too and messed up his life and his wifes and sons, from what he wrote. yes, he Fed up big time and he is living an empty life. no good, not good at all. i think most cheaters learn when it is too late. too late for thie kids. too late for their partners and especially too late for themselves.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): perhaps you are drawn to bad boys and having a hard working husband, taking care of his family and wife is just not doing it for you. you are right i CANNOT comprehend you leaving your husband for a jailbird. i think you need to re evaluate your priorities and see whether you need counselling. i am just afraid of your kids and what life you will expose them to. i think you ae investing too much in the jailbird and need to refoucs and re evaluaute your marriage. if you just cannot be faithful to your husband then do all concerned a favour and end your marriage. i think you need to start appreciating your husband and realise that he is TRYING to keep his family together. yes you are lonely and yes you want the attention BUT you need to sacrifice as well. remember you are a housewife and your husbands long hours means that he is providing food for YOU and your kids.
i have a question which you need to think about. you say you will not have an affair BUT , what if you did. do you throw your kids lives into turmoil and make them live with you and your lover? can your future lover provide for you and your kids. honestly?
i repeat instead of investing tme and emotions on someone who is your past how abotu learning to love, care and respect your husband. how about compassion for a man who is trying to make a living. how about YOU rekindling the love and lust with your husband. why are YOU not investing in your husband and marriage ?
yes you need to make a decision and yes it is unfair ON YOUR HUSBAND 10 years from now to get up and realised hat his life is over because his selfish wife did not understand the sacrifice and commitment he had to provide for his family. perhaps you need to have a peek into your husbands life and see the good man that he is, instead of looking for greener pastures elsewhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): What most people who haven't been in this situation, is that NOT following an urge and taking a chance is also as terrifying as risking it all. It's easy ot say "stay with your family", but there is a reason you are wanting...you are not at peace. You need to find your peace and what will make you truly happy. But that takes introspect. Lust is a very powerful convincor. But you should look at what you have. My simple analog is this...if your husband and kids were to go away forever, and you'd never see them, would you be OK with it? This is becuase this is exactly what it will feel like when your marriage ends and you are left with th ebooby prize. Trust me, I'm going through it now. My life is in ruins because I did just what you are contemplating. And for what...a girl who looks a littel sexier, offers slightly better sex, and is a bit more tuned in to me. BIG price to pay for a 20 year relationship and a son who is now without a live-in dad. I miss my family and the unity, bond and peace I felt for so long. Emotional attractions happen all your life...they are normal and healthy. But keep it in check.Try to ride it out, get counseling, and talk to your loving husband and kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Timm DD that was more of the response I was hoping to get!!!
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male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (12 July 2010):
Please please go and talk to someone about this. If you're happy, then your family will be happy. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (12 July 2010):
 Glad to hear it. We're not trying to judge you or even be close minded to your situation. We, in addition to seeing this a lot, are in more of a position to make an objective response. Your lust is blinding you, and while common, it'll only grow if you let it. I know you've heard this before, but this truly is a perfect example of "The grass is always greener on the other side." And the worst part of it all? People in your position sometimes have to give up what they have to finally realize that what they had (your husband and children) were the better thing (greener side).
Don't make that mistake. It sounds like you are being reasonable now, so just "ride it out" like you said and focus on what is good in your life. You say you co-exist now in the house with your husband, but that may be just as much you as it is him. Maybe the fact that you haven't been able to fully let go of this other guy after all of these years has left a little piece of you out of your husbands life. A marriage takes two to work, so maybe try looking at this as an eye opening experience. Let go of that other guy and give your husband everything you got... maybe you'll no longer just "co-exist" together. :-)
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! I think I came to the wrong site. I thought I was sad and I should reach out and get some advice, but more or less I was just bashed for even saying how I feel. I just wanted to get through this. The bad patch w/ my husband happened way before I talked to my ex and I had been feeling sad for awhile. I am a great mom, I do everything for my kids. I coach sports, I am team mom and I have stayed home to take care of my babies because that's what my husband and I wanted not because I don't want to work, I would love to work, but my husband is gone too much and my kids don't go to school all day yet. As for the jail bird he is not a maniac 4 of the 5yrs were great, and he is an electrician. He screwed up, yes but u guys are harsh. All I wanted was to see if anyone else is in my situation or has been, not to get told what a loser I am. I would never cheat on my husband or put anyone in front of my kids. My husband knows about the letters my ex wrote and he is ok with what he has written, he knows I have known him since I was 12 and still close w his family. I just wasn't sure how long this rut w my husband is going to last, I am not saying I want my ex back, even though I still care a great deal about him. I just don't want to be unhappy for 10yrs then wake up and realize why did we do this to each other.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 July 2010):
The reason you feel this way is because you wanted to help him, and couldn't. A bit like mother instinct, I guess. But believe me, you are risking more by remaining in contact. You must stop contact and throw all this energy into your relationship, which is in need of a tune up. You don't want to end up losing your home, husband and kids for a man who treated you badly first time around, didn't change and will treat you badly again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): Even the jailbird appreciates your good life and how lucky you are. I think you are nuts if you go back to this guy. You can find the feelings you need with your husband. Dont make the same mistake I did
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realize what you guys are saying completely, I guess I just wanted to get input in why I can't get this other man out of my head. I have been split with him for 11yrs and still get that kick in the gut feeling everytime I see him out. I guess maybe it is more a lust thing. We always had so much fun together and I have a little bit of a wild side still and adjusting to my husband being in a bad mood, being a stay at home mom who is stressed and feeling ignored just got a letter out of the blue from someone I obviously have never forgotten. I am overwhelmed! Thanks for the advice, and I will do everything to my husband and kids first as I have always done, and ride out this storm!
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (12 July 2010):
So let me get this straight: You are considering leaving a "loving" husband (as you put it), great kids, and a stable relationship where you are looking for a house, etc for a man who ruined his chance with you on drugs and alcohol and is currently in jail. Did I get that right?
You are using the "following your heart" reason as an excuse to rationalize your desire. The fact is that relationship failed. You've been holding onto a relationship that isn't real. And on top of that, him contacting you is a form of manipulation, which is FAR from him changing. He's being selfish. He should be letting you be happy with your new family.
Stay away from him and focus on your family. If you need to, you can say "apology accepted" and tell him goodbye forever. But if you continue to talk to him, or see him, or anything else... especially behind your family's back, then he is pulling you back into HIS world, and you will be right back where you started.... ALONE.
He had his chance. And for the record, saying your husband is a "fantastic" man and your children are "beautiful" is your heart trying to tell you something. THAT is what you should be following. Your brain's fixation on the relationship that never was is not your heart and you shouldn't be following it...
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A
male
reader, 11muds11 +, writes (12 July 2010):
I'll try not to judge and help .I think the reason why you liked this guy, because you didn't sit down with your husband and get him to fulfill your needs. Your husband was too busy, fair enough. But he was doing it for the family. It was easier to have these needs fulfilled by someone else. It's a familiar story that won't end well unless you sit down and talk to somebody.This is a bigger problem than this board. Go and talk to a therapist about this. It'll really help. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, thereyago +, writes (12 July 2010):
Grimm reality that was awesome!Another thing you may want to consider is what the heck your husband and father of your children has done to deserve this kind of backstabbing?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 July 2010):
So, you're married to a fantastic guy, yet you'd rather throw all that away, endanger your kids by going out with a man who has been in prison and has been on drugs?
I hope that puts this whole thing in perspective. Your heart is leading you to the man who you think needs you. I know what this man sees. He sees a woman who is not totally satisfied with her marriage, and is open to running off with him, thus giving him what he wants.
What will you get? You'll get a court order saying you can't have custody of your kids because you're going out with a man who is dangerous. Then you'll get another order saying you can't even see your kids. Then Mr Jailbird will take you for everything you're worth, relapse and you'll have nothing.
This is the big warning to you. I hope you listen to it. You go back with this guy, and your fantastic husband will have fantastic grounds for a court order banning you from seeing your kids. I've seen it happen a few times.
Stop this now, and get to work on your marriage. Your husband is still a fantastic man, and with the effort you're wasting on jailbird, you could be fixing your marriage. Your choice. You can choose what you have and put more effort into it, our you can lose the lot.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): Dear sister,
i give you one main principle to lead the life.
in a battle b / n sinful desires and your conscience, always be true to your conscience and to your GOD and let your conscience tell you what to do. you will always be happier and stand great to your self till the death bed.
Else you will always be in pain and will never be able to face even your self, forget facing the world.
in this case, you already know that being in forum here itself is only glimpse of what pains and sufferings you will face and create for others if you do not let your conscience win.
I am sure you know what your conscience is telling you.
stop all the connections with Jailed guy. it will never work with him at all. enjoy the life as you were doing till you again met this guy.
If the answers do not matter to you, then please do not post questions and generate e-waste.
My apology for being little blunt, but sister i felt it may help you.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (12 July 2010):
 Lady, you need to grow up and think of somebody else other than yourself. All this "Follow my Heart" crap is just that...CRAPHere is how it's going to go down.....You run off with Jailbird Joe. Everything is just great at first because its all new and exciting. But wait? Joe needs to find a solid job to take care of you, but being he is a felon he is going to have hard time making that 6 figure salary you require since you obviously are not going to work....yet.Then will come the time that you realize that you won't get custody of your kids while you are living with Jailbird because the courts have a hard time granting child custody to people who are going to be living with known felons. It is possible, but I'm sure your husband will make sure the court knows all about it and he will seem like a good candidate for full custody being he has a somewhat stable life.So you are living with Jailbird in a hovel or a trailer, money is tight, because MacDonald's doesn't pay too good and Joe will be working a lot of hours and flipping a ton of burgers to make the dream happen for his 'Lady Fair". You are gonna get sick real fast of eating the employee bags of dollar cheeseburgers and smelling Joe's French Fry Feet in the bed night after night.Then one day you will discover that Joe has met a fellow employee for a little after hours training and that will be it..your fantasy love will be over...with one exceptionYou will want to return to that big house that your Now ex husband has built. You'll want him back,...it was all a mistake..a terrible mistake as you drive up to the house and run up to the door and knock on it expecting mercy...And then your kids new stepmommy will answer the door, for while you were carrying out this fantasy your Ex hubby actually found somebody who loves him and the kids and wants nothing more than to have a wonderful life with them....And when that woman answers the door she will say to you..."Sorry we aren't interested in a Kirby...he already have one".And the door will shut, and you will be left alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): Here is your answer "I don't even think I could survive a relapse from him and I would never want my children exposed to anything crazy!" Do what you have to do to ensure this never happens and there's only one way to do that and you know it.
I'd strongly advise you to break off all contact too, you're probably not going to but it's only the way you can truly move on. You're going through a rough patch at the moment, you and your husband are both stressed and in the middle of a transition. This is not the right time to be talking to your ex and stirring up old feelings because you're vulnerable to the romantic ideas of your past with your ex. The truth is he's alone and in prison, you probably feel pity for him and he probably sounds like the guy that you had 5 great years with but he's not and you know in heart he never will be again.
Get rid of this fantasy you have of you and he together like old times, because it's not going to happen that way and you risk losing everything you've built and your kids futures if you continue to pursue this emotional affair you're having with him.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (12 July 2010):
 You have answered your own questions you have a stable home, a loving husband, and beautiful children. Why would you jeopardize what you have now for an ex. Your ex didn't treasure you when he had you, his addiction was worth more to him than his love for you. Its pretty selfish of you to even consider leaving your husband or to have an affair with this other man. My suggestion to you is to stay where your at and let this other man go. If your having trouble connecting with your husband because of the presence of the other man, than think on all the hurt he put you through. Learn to appreciate what you have now, don't reminisce on the past, let the past stay where it belongs in the past.
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