A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi!I'm in a relationship going on almost 3 years now, and up until now I've been home because of my disability, I can't drive and I don't go out unless it is with my BF.I met this man on the internet a few months ago, and we really hit it off..we talk about anything and everything. He is a very Drama-free person, and I like that alot.He is moving to Japan for work at the end of August and we're planning to eventually meet in Hawaii for a few days. I've been totally honest with my BF about this friendship from day one, from the very first email. and he was okay with it. This man also knows I have a BF and is ok with that as well...Meeting this man has spurred me on to realize how much I want more out of life, I want to drive, to work, to travel...and I'm going after those goals now. But the problem is my BF is constantly telling me I've changed and he just wants me back the way I used to be. But I treat him exactly the same way I always did! He then tells me (because I had shown him a picture of my friend) that he has had homosexual relationships in the past and finds him very handsome..This bothers me. Not so much the gay part..I mean, everyone has a past, but I don't find myself looking at my BF the same way..I love him so much tho..He is now refusing to pay the phone and internet bills in the hopes of cutting me off from my friend, this makes me very resentful as I am an adult 27 years old and I feel like my BF is trying to isolate me.My online friend has told me he finds me attractive, but it has never gone beyond that...and my BF has always been in contact with his ex's and friends with females at his work..I feel like he he doesn't trust me to take this trip alone, even tho I am getting a seperate room and bringing a cell phone so he can contact me whenever he wants to...I just want my independance...I've never given him a reason not to trust me...Help please!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): Two things:1. Your boyfriend does not have a past. He is gay. Its not something you leave behind. 2. You are looking to cheat on your boyfriend and he is looking to prevent that from happening.A little honesty with yourself would go a long way here. For someone who likes "drama free" you are good at creating it.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 June 2007):
 Well, the information you've given changes things a little bit. There seems to be lack of respect on his part and you're about to do the same thing. Just because he does these things doesn't make them right. So if they're not right, they're wrong. When you do the same thing, it will also be wrong.
Maybe you two need some time apart to see what you really want.
Having said all that, there is still a HUGE possibility the guy you're going to meet in Hawaii has different hopes or expectations than you do. You invited your boyfriend so that clears that up. I wish you luck but don't be surprised if the you're going to meet has other plans. Don't forget, he mentioned you're attractive. Look up that word in the dictionary and tell me what it means.
I hate to be cynical but many guys think about women in a way women can't understand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie:
Yes..I did invite my BF, he said he doesn't want to go, as he wants to take a vacation to a different area...
I'm fine with that...and it's not just talking to girls at work or ex's...he tells them private things about me, tells me how much he likes this one particular woman and so on..and he doesn't just see his ex's in passing..he emails and calls them, as well as gone to visit them on more than one occasion.
He is always singing the praises of one of his ex's, telling her how great she is and so on..but I put this aside because I trust him!
I don't see why me wanting to meet up with a friend on vacation means I'm going to cheat, thats just assumption...I can't expect him to never have other women as freinds and enjoy there company..why does he expect me to live like a hermit????
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (24 June 2007):
Talking to other women he works with is not the same as meeting them in Hawaii, nor is seeing his ex's around town. He shouldn't be calling his ex's to chat or going out of his way to see them, but simply being friendly if you bump into them is normal. Also, if you think it's inappropriate for your boyfriend to associate with other women like that, what are you proving by going away with this other guy? Are you getting even or paying him back? If you truly believe your boyfriend is wrong about associating with the other women, you're wrong too, only worse. Are you trying to fix this or make it worse?
You ciber guy didn't just give you a a compliment when he told you he found you attractive. He planted a seed. The compliment felt good, and that is normal. You're trying to convince yourself, at this point, you can handle the situation. In reality, you're getting yourself in deeper. Meeting up in a hotel is WAY too far. I'm sure he'll have a million more "compliments" for you in Hawaii.
This is the point where you need to decide what you need in life. If you want to be with other men, then do it as a single lady. If you want a relationship with your boyfriend, then don't go off into the sunset with another man. It's inappropriate.
You mention your boyfriends insecurities. If he told you you couldn't go out with your friends, couldn't talk to a guy in the grocery store, couldn't talk to the neighbor, you couldn't wear certain things etc, that would show his insecurities. You also say you've never cheated on him. I believe you too. But, that doesn't mean you should be traveling with this other guy. You're not going for coffee with a work mate, you're going away with a stranger who finds you attractive !! The genie is out of the bottle, as far as this guy is concerned.
Here's one important question, did you invite your boyfriend to go to Hawaii? If not, why didn't you invite him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice so far...
Eddie..I can understand what you mean as well...but I am supposed to be okay with him talking to other women, women he works with, and women he has dated in the past...while it is not ok for me to speak to a man thousands of miles away, over the telephone?!
I'm not saying my internet friend should be telling me he finds me attractive, but a simple complement does not mean we would end up in bed together...in my opinion, if there is not this man in my life, there will be others in the future...I cannot live my life as a hermit to try to stave off my boyfriends insecurities...I've never cheated on him, and never would...yet he doesn't trust me?????
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 June 2007):
Your boyfriend shouldn't be cutting you off from anything, you should do it yourself. Why is this other guy telling you you're attractive? What does that mean exactly? Have you ever approached a man you were not interested in and told him....You're attractive....probably not.
Of course the other guy is OK with you having a boyfriend, he has nothing to lose or worry about. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, knows his lady id going off for a few days with some stranger who finds her attractive.
I don't know what to say about your guy sleeping with other men, that came out of the blue. Having separate rooms and a cell phone means nothing. If you're inclined to be with someone, what kind of reassurance are separate rooms and a cell phone when you're thousands of miles away.
Why don't you go away with your boyfriend or invite him to Hawaii? After all, it only stands to reason that you'd like someone as important the man in your life to meet your ciber friend. Correct? You're playing with firre.
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A
female
reader, AbbyTomko  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 just tell your boyfriend that you love him very much but you also love speaking to this other man tell him that you wont let your mate get in the way of your relationship i can understad why he is acting like this but he should trust you
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (23 June 2007):
 People do change and as you have grown up you have decided you want different things from life then you might have done when you first got together, unfortunately we don't always grow together wanting the same things.
It should not be one rule for you and a different one for him.
Maybe it's time to walk away from this relationship if you want different things and go and meet your friend and enjoy life for you,
Also you said your friend has said you are attractive maybe it has never gone beyond that because he knows you are with someone and he is being a gentleman and not putting you in an awkward posistion.
Live your life the way you want and enjoy it.
Take care.xx.
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