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male
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*haun john
writes: Hi, i broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years about 10 months ago now, and it hurt very badley i lost her, but this was due to me being not a very nice guy, id never been physically violent to her, but i had a horrible temper and shouting was all i ever had to do to upset her, i was always ratty and horrible and she was always nice and sweet,kind.we found out she was pregnant in the fourth year of our relationship and i refused to accept it, i said id leave if she didnt get it aborted, she was so scared to lose me she did as i told her to, 10 months later she up and left, she cracked and just had enough. i was heart broken, and rightly so i should have been, i didnt deserve her, i didnt beg and plead for her to come home, i figured would be better for her and me if i just walked away from it all, i moved into a new place, because id left everything in our old house to her, it gave me an incentive to work hard at building myself a new life, as i literally had nothing. I spent the next 6 - 7 months punishing myself, making myself realise what i had done and lost, i would cry myself to sleep, every sad sad song i heard i listened to, i made my heart suffer for what i had done, but i kept my job as it was the only thing i had left. over those months i sort professional help and recieved it, and i built my life up to somthing in terms of posessions and new friends, i really succeeded in changing who i was to who i am now, i cant believe i was even like that. But i have met somone else now and she is wonderful, funny and very beautiful, and things between us are still on the whole "very good friends" level, im pretty sure she wants more and im very sure i do to, we hold hands, hold each other and if either of us need s the other we there no matter what. the problem is....well ..me again, i did such a good job punishing myself for what i did to my ex im now scared to take things further with this new girl, weve almost kissed, but i pulled away when we hold hands im extaticly happy then i remember my ex and i let her hand go. the truth is i scared myself so much im now to petrified for anything now, what can i do?ive tried jus ignoring it but its to painful,it makes me cry and very sad, i just dont know what to do.
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reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (13 January 2006):
 Well being upset with yourself is 1/2 the battle; cause at least you identified the problem. The second 1/2 of your battle will come when you do commit to this new relationship. Maintaining your temper is crucial for you, because otherwise you WILL let yourself down. GOD know's I've been there before; however you sir, will eventually have to commit to this girl or another; unless you will lead a lonely life; one girls not worth all those years. I sat down with my girlfriend (when we were new) and told her about my dark side. I was very open and honest with her and it hurt me to tell her that I had a flaw (lot's of them). I was scared she was going to say I wasn't worth it or that I was a reject from something. I was totally suprised when she said she had a flaw too. WOW! imagine that; another person in the world with a flaw. Actually, I dwelled way to dam much on my flaw to even care about hers. To this day and every day; we are the best of friends and I even told her how to handle my little quirks. She told me the same and now were capable of handling each other. It takes time and patients but she's worth it and so am I.
In short man just accept who you really are and try your VERY best to not let your demon out. Tell her if you do let it out it's not personal towards her. Give her a time line that you PROMISE to come back around to yourself. Or, you could pass on her and wait for the next victim to come around. Either way, you know what you have inside and how to deal with it. She deserves to know too.
Sincerely
Ed
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (13 January 2006):
 You have to forgive yourself. This is the last part of the healing process and you have to recognise it as such. We all do some really messed up things sometimes; being fallible is part of being human. Also you have to give yourself the necessary credit for what you have done. You have recognised and admitted you were wrong and done everything asked to mend your ways.
I suspect the cause of your original behaviour was a serious wrong done to you too so without excusing your own behaviour you have to recognise that.
This is your opportunity to make amends for what you did. You can make this person wonderfully happy and although it does not make the oringinal thing right it does prove you have changed and you can be proud of that. You have learnt from your mistakes. An awful lot of people don't even do that. To be honest i suspect you always were a good person at core but became twisted. Now you are back on track and you deserve some happiness as a just reward for your work.
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