A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years, he is 32 and I am 24. We are moving in together in a few months (into his house), but I am worried about out future- I don't want to have children.I have several reasons for the fact that I don't want kids- the world is messed up as it is, I don't want to give up my career, and I really just hate kids, I have no maternal feelings about children at all. I have never hidden my distaste towards children, and from his reaction I can tell that he isn't that keen either. However he does make little comments like if we are watching a TV show he will say something like "If we had a kid I would never let it do that.".Right now, I am training to become an optician while working full time, so this conversation probably wouldn't crop up until 3-4 years down the line, but I feel it is selfish of me to move in with him and waste his time when I can't give him everything he wants. I want to tell him before we move in together, but I don't want us to break up, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.Whenever I have told anyone I never want children they just say to me 'Oh you are just young, you will change your mind.', but I know that I won't. Any help would be really appreciated.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (14 October 2017):
 Just because he makes comments like the one you mentioned does not necessarily mean he wants kids. It might just mean he thinks other people should exercise more control over their children and that, in their place, HE would do things differently.
I think you need to have an open and frank discussion about this sooner rather than later. This is not something you can compromise on so you both have to be fully on board with it. If he sees his future life as including children, then, much as you love him and want to be with him, you will not make him happy. However, you do not KNOW either way at the moment so take a deep breath and, before you make any life changing decisions, tell him that you do not envisage you will ever want children and ask him if that is something he can happily live with.
Good luck. I hope you get the response you want.
A
male
reader, N91 + ♥, writes (14 October 2017):
 You really need to do it before you move in. It would be a bit of a dick move to drop that bombshell after you're living together.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (13 October 2017):
 The wisest way to handle this is to ask him BEFORE you move in together, before you become any more committed and intertwined into each other's lives. This is definitely a conversation worth happening NOW...not later. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (13 October 2017):
I have nothing much more to add. All of the aunts and uncles have given good advice. BUT.. you can be as convinced as you want to be about many things in life, but never, never paint you self into a corner you don't have to by getting surgery that limits your ability to change your mind. Be honest about how you feel now to your partner,you can say you'll never change your mind but you don't have to prove it by having your tubes tied etcuntil much much further down the line. You are never required to do that. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2017): You're moving-in together. That's where a life together begins for a couple. It's a pretrial-period and an experimental-attempt to test compatibility for the long-term. It's a test of the endurance and durability of your commitment. So trust and honesty are a must.
You can start-off by making casual remarks to the effect you're not really interested in having kids. It should be a discussion.
Yes, there is the possibility he may change his mind about moving-in together; but then again, maybe he never even considered fathering children with you. At best, he's just living day to day; for whatever life may bring. Just wanting to be closer.
Don't combine your credit or make major investments like buying a house; without telling him you don't want kids.
If he has been dropping hints about a family; you have no choice but to speak-up before moving-in.
I think bringing-up the fact you don't want children should be done sooner than later. Withholding such information to allow someone to become deeply and emotionally-attached without knowing such a vital fact could have a major impact on where your relationship may end-up. Otherwise; you're being selfish, if not deceitful. Hiding the fact you never want to have children. It's usually a prerequisite to be considered and determined when two people romantically-commit to each other. Get it off the table, and take it from there.
He may change his mind about you based on just the fact you "hate" kids. I find that is a very unhealthy and unpleasant way to feel about innocent human beings. It's one thing not to want to be a mother; but to feel so strongly in such negative-terms is unsettling. It could be a game-changer for your relationship; but then, maybe not.
The problem is, he may say it's fine; and just tack an expiration-date on the relationship. Just simply go along with it for the time-being. That might be your karma for hiding it; until he has built the relationship on the mindset that you'll be flexible about it. Only to find-out he was totally wrong about you!
People who really hate kids never miss the opportunity to express their disdain; and just their attitude and demeanor when around children is a dead-giveaway. You can't really hide it. He will observe and notice it; even if you do your doggone best to hide it. He'll be looking for the signs; even if he never brings it up. He assumes you're undecided; being so young. I think it might be a safe assumption.
I think he should know; so his feelings for you will be established on a foundation of truth and trust. Not thinking there's a future of having a family with you under false-pretenses. Springing this on him later, or after he buys you an engagement ring; would be a total scam. That could be years off, or never; but after years of investing his feelings, he'd be assuming something about you that wasn't true.
I think you should be honest. Then you will know where he stands. If you get any objection; then maybe you might decide you don't really want to move in.
You are quite young, and years do have a way of changing our outlook and perception on life. If you vehemently despise kids; I think it will be a deal-breaker for a man who loves kids. You need to admit this before taking another step.
Maybe you only hate rude and unruly kids. Yours don't have to be like that.
There are a couple of ways to determine if you truly mean this as seriously as you think. Get sterilized, or have a tubectomy.
I would recommend that to avoid an accidental-pregnancy. I think these would be better options than having to choose to have an abortion, having a child you'll resent; or having to decide to place a child up for adoption. It's the most humane and responsible way to handle it. Take preventive measures.
I'm just being provocative. This is just to make you think.
I have to bring-up controversial scenarios; because this is such a very powerful topic. Please take no offense, because none are intended.
I don't really think you're that absolutely certain about it. You're too young.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2017):
 Tell him straight out.
Before I move in with you how do you feel about the issue of kids? Because I, myself don't want any and I don't see that changing down the line. I don't want start down a path we both do not follow. Your own words of course...
"I feel it is selfish of me to move in with YOU and waste YOUR time when I can't give YOU everything YOU want. I want to tell YOU before I move in with you, but I don't want us to break up, I want to spend the rest of my life with YOU."
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 October 2017):
 Be honest with him before you move in with him. It is the kindest thing to do. I understand you want to spend your life with him and don't want to break up. But you need to be honest with him that you are not going to change your mind so that he knows from the word go that you are not wanting children. He can then make up his mind if you are enough for him in the future. It is the kindest thing to do before moving in to his home, not only that but you will also feel more secure. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 October 2017):
 Unfortunately, OP, children are non-negotiable. Staying together while you don't want kids and he does would be pointless and, in the nicest possible way, stupid.
However, you don't know he wants children. ASK. If he does, you're going to have to break up. Tell him you will not change your mind on this, or he may say he doesn't, in the hopes you'll feel differently in a couple of years.
If he's not sure if he wants kids or not, it's still not a no, so it's probably best not to stay together.
It's up to you, but you MUST ask asap, way before moving in.
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