A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs. Well just the other day I found out he signed up for a dating site. I know that it was somewhat recent because in his description it said has a kid and we have a 4 month old daughter together. Well I come to find he deactivated his account. After finding all this out I confronted him. And he did tell me he deactivated his account (which I already knew but he didn't know I knew he deactivated it) but he couldn't find away to delete it. I googled the site and apparently no one can find a way to delete their account permanently. So he is telling the truth on that part.He says he loves me very much and that he was just looking and that he wanted to tell me right away but for whatever reason he didn't. But I honestly don't know what to think. If someone really loved you why would they hurt you like that. How can I trust him knowing he was sneaking around on some dating site?I don't know what to do. I know I should probably stay and try to work it out because we have a child together but I just feel so mad, hurt and feel betrayed. If it weren't for our daughter I would have left him.I guess I'm looking for advice what would you do in my shoes?How can I move past this and how can I trust him again? It seems to me no matter what happens if we stay together I'll always wonder what is he doing that he's not telling me about I can't see how to get past that point, is it a only time can heal thing or what?You know the weirdest thing about it was when I confronted him he didn't get mad. I know lots of times when people confront cheaters or someone who is up to no good they get angry and defensive but he was neither so what might that mean?What would any of you do in my shoes? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): I guess it's "good" that he was honest, but it isn't a good pattern of behavior in a partner or relationship.
Look, Life is full of difficulties. A long term relationship can't survive if one or both partners have as their default behavior threatening to leave or abandon each other (and then enacting various stages of following-through) whenever the going gets rough.
So no, this isn't exactly a good sign either. It's like, you make me angry so that gives me the right to stab you in the back rather than coming to you to try and work things out first, and if that doesn't work then to honorably end the relationship? You would not trust such a person as a long-term partner or spouse, would you? I wouldn't. I would say this is a good sign that you should leave him because he's not to be trusted because he doesn't care to behave honorably but to get revenge whenever he gets angry at you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2011): Hello all. It's the ORIGINAL POSTER.Alright so we talked and he says he was angry with me and that was the reason he signed up for the dating site. He was angry because I had told him about a little over a month ago I was leaving. I recall the time period he is talking about and I did say that and I was going to leave. We had been fighting daily. We were both stressed out big time we had been trying to find a new place to move in together (because our current place is too small and we need more room) and that apt search wasn't going well, I'm a stay at home mother and our colicky daughter had been going thru a particularly fussy stage so that made me more stressed out and running on very little sleep didn't help any so I must have been a monster. And I am sure all of the above had him just as stressed as I was. So yes at that point in time we were fighting everyday and I was going to leave because I didn't want our daughter around all that arguing. Now whether it was going to be a permanent leave or just some nights to cool off I was uncertain of but then things started getting better we weren't fighting much so we stayed.But I guess that's the reason why he went on the site so that's a good step in the right direction right? I mean figuring out the issue behind why he signed up
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (9 November 2011):
 I'm not defending him BUT... I got a junk mail once and opened it ... it said one thing then it had a facebook link... and when I clicked that (without thinking)...it made me a member of a dating site!!!! Until today I am still a member of it... I cannot delete myself from it...I just changed the name on the account. Every so often I get a suitor.. but I send to the junk mail... Not defending him as I said but sometimes you get sucked into things on the net! I would not read too much into it.
You asked what someone would do in your shoes... I would discuss this... agree NO MORE dating sites (and if he is accidentally sucked into one then he should tell me) and then put it behind us. Good luck xx
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (9 November 2011):
I agree with YouWish. His behaviour is a symptom of a problem in the relationship and it is for both of you together to tackle that, to communicate your feelings better to each other about what is wrong, and working out a plan to work at fixing that.
It is a very testing time for a relationship when you have such a young child, see this as one of those 'relationship tests' which you can both work together to resolve.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 November 2011):
 This is a symptom, like high blood pressure or stomach pain is a symptom. You're right about his actions shaking your trust, and this needs to continue being addressed in order for you to be able to rebuild that trust.
However, in your desire to nail him to the wall, consider what his shopping is a symptom of. You say you have a 4 month old daughter? That in itself strains the best of relationships. He could have been feeling the pressure of responsibility and went looking for escape. He could have felt like the romance in your relationship has gone out the door. It's possible that in your tiredness, he may have felt like you felt that his presence and his attentions toward you were looked at as yet another demand and burden.
Rebuild trust, yes, but you have an equal play in nursing the relationship back to health. Have an honest talk with him about how he's feeling about your relationship, and ask him why he wanted to look around. Bottom line -- although you feel hurt and betrayed, he hasn't cheated on you. You were confronted with his restlessness over your relationship.
If you simply approach this as if you are the hurt party and he is the scum who should be emotionally bludgeoned until you no longer feel hurt and angry, you will further erode your relationship. Best to hit the symptoms head on and become part of this solution. Evaluate his place in your life now that the baby is here. Has he been worried about finances? It's possible that it wasn't so much another woman he was looking for, but rather longing for a time with less responsibility.
It's possible that this symptom and both of you addressing it in a healthy way may in fact be a good turning point and help strengthen your relationship to an even greater intimacy.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (9 November 2011):
I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you two have a lot of work to do to regain trust. It's not a matter of him saying he doesn't know why he did it, but he won't again, and you say OK I'll forgive you and then you find a way to carry on.
If you're going to stay with him, you need to confront this and face whatever is underlying this. Why was he on a dating site? What is the purpose of dating sites? to find potential romantic partners, it's as simple as that. Something is wrong if he claims he's happy in a committed relationship and yet he's on a dating site. Maybe he himself doesn't know, at this point, but I think that if you're going to stay together this has to be addressed because it's a symptom of some deeper underlying problem. Maybe it has nothing to do with you - maybe he has personal insecurities or maybe he has a phobia of commitment and wants to keep his options open.
but whether or not you had anything to do with WHY he was on the dating site, if you're going to continue this relationship with him now it is your problem too not just his because this has shaken your trust in him. I don't believe that you should blindly give your trust back to someone who has already broken it. So if you are going to find a way to forgive him and deal with this, you have to be talking about this problem and figuring out why he did it.
That said, you don't have to stay in this relationship and put yourself through this, if you don't want to. I understand you have a child together, but trying to love and trust someone for the sake of your child isn't as likely to succeed as if you were trying to love and trust them for your own sake.
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