A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My god help me, im losing trust to anyone already. Im so scared, so much.. my partner and me are together for 5 years now. I used to love and trust him. But i dont know exactly what is going on with me. I have an extreme bad experienced from the father of my two children, they have diffirent father. Both of their father cheated on me. My own parents took my property together with my sister by faking all the papers and since im out of the conutry for long years they got success. My own sibling also cheated on me with money, Friends of mine whom i trust from my heart manage to hurt me too by telling bad things about me around and im a type of person who dont waste my time to prove that they are wrong. In other words i lost my trust to anyone. When i meet my partner, it was a rainbow and full of flowers in my eyes that i fall in love with. I know he love me too. He use to take care of me by providing our everyday expenses, foods etc.and so am i to him by cleaning house, dishes, laundry iron his things, garden, etc. and of course im also sharing some finances too. But for a fast 3 months, things change. We always fight not because there is a 3rd party, but he is having a problem with his sister because of their property. Its not my thing, trust me guys, i do not need any of his property or whatever what he has, but im affected to the situation because he is throwing his stress on me. Im having my own Problems also now with other matters. Because of this fighting all the time, he is always using the words " i think this relationship will not work anymore" and because of that, im losing my trust on him already. He was divorce and i am a widow ( my late husband is the only best ever man i ever had ). Anytime he use this words, i feel like, were gonna broke, believe me guys "i dont care! I am not scared to lose him, im actually prepare for the worst since i was cheated 4x already from previous relationship. But even we are fighting all the time and he uses those words, he is still holding on, on us. My problem is, im losing my trust on him and i have a feelings, my love for him is falling apart. I dont want it happen because i dont want to just brake up and then find another man. My both children are both professional and i dont want them to see like a mother jumping to one man to another man. I still want my children to respect me. I dont really know what is going on with me im starting to hate him because of his everyday complaining about his sister, his work, his body pain, his food, his car, other peoples way of driving, others people way of dealing on their life, neighborhood, how people getting fat, how others building their own garage, his every single day negative complain for every single thing. My god, im getting tired. I have my own pain and problem but i dont tell it to him already because he has already full of complain. I am so scared, that this love of mine to him.will turn into hate. I dont wanna hate him, i want us to stay for as long as we can. I know he love me, but i feel that he has no respect anymore in my feelings... please guys, tell me, how can i stay in love with my partner, i really want us to be stable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2020): Typo corrections:
"Uhm, what do they think a constant and unending stream of complaints sounds like???"
"Would a Midol tablet help???"
"They refuse to allow you to calm them down, and they'll amp-up their rage for trying to do so!"
"Do not face-off with men in a rage."
"Complaining comes before rage, and rage leads to all sorts of tantrums and violence."
"Well, judging by the length of your post, my dear...YOU WILL get fed-up! That's when you'll do it!"
"Then get earplugs and deal with it!"
Sorry, for so many errors! I hit "send" before I proofread my response!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2020): Is your partner complaining, or venting?
Life's pressures tend to build-up; and when you feel helpless and unable to keep-up with your mounting problems, many men tend to resort to anger and aggression. Some shut-down and go into depression. Like steam in a boiling kettle, that pressure has to escape! Some-guys get really cranky as they get older! They become insufferable old-farts! They complain about politics, they'll complain about the neighbor next-door, they complain about your cooking, they are grumpy with the kids; yet any complaints or concerns expressed by their wife or girlfriend (or boyfriend) is considered "nagging!" Uhm, what do they think a constant and unending stream of complains sounds like??? Good guess...NAGGING! Bitching and moaning 24/7 gets on everybody's nerves! Sorry to say, but each and every one of us reading my words has been in that state of mind; or have reached the very brink of it! If you care about the people around you; you either get a grip...or you'll get kicked to the curb!
Nagging is nagging, even if the voice is baritone!!! Base in your voice doesn't make "nagging" any less annoying!
Even when the complaints are all legit, if there is never a pause, and he's always pissed-off; it's as annoying as hearing a whinny high-pitched nasally-voice going nah-nah-nah-nah all the damned-day long! MAN...SHUT-UP ALREADY!!!
Would a Midol tablet help!!!
There comes a time you have to ask him to chill-out, and take an extra-strength chill pill! Give him a cold glass of water, fluff him a pillow, ask him to take a seat, and cool-down! Instead, you just stand there and get pelted! Are you afraid you'll set him off? Helloooo!!! You don't have to live with all the complaining. Often it is necessary that you have to be your mate's sounding-board and their confidante. Their shoulder to cry-on. That's an important part of being in a committed-relationship or marriage. Then there are those kind of people who never seem to be happy about anything! Everything sends them on a rant or a rampage. They refuse to allow you to calm them down, and the amp-up their rage for trying so! Then you will become "disposable-boyfriend;" and your bum has got to go! Do not face-down with men in a rage. You call the cops, or you make them leave. Complaining comes before rage, and rage leads to all sorts or tantrums and violence. If he isn't there yet, just wait!
It means he isn't getting enough rest, maybe drinking too much, not taking vacations, in need of some personal or sick-time to unwind; and it also means he has a partner too intimidated to tell him when he's going overboard with his raging and complaining! Everything you came here to tell us, you should have told him!
Have you ever said: "I get really stressed and upset when you go-off at me about things I didn't do to you!" You have to tell him he needs to stop trying to address all his issues and problems at once. He has to tackle one or two issues at a time. When he starts yelling at you, leave or ask him to! If he goes-off at you for taking a stance; tell him calm down, or you'll call a cop to chill things down! He also needs to go take a walk and cool-off, when he gets moody and worked-up; and not threaten you with breakups and such! If you don't know how to tactfully deal with aggressive-people as an adult; they will walk all over you, and plow you over! You are not required to put-up with any of it! If you don't know how to deal with it, or what to do about it; somebody has to go!
If he's gotten too out of hand, why does anybody have to tell you to leave? You have a brain, a body, and two legs! If it's your house, tell him to leave! If it's his, pack and leave! Otherwise, try to be assertive and tell him to chill when he gets worked-up. You should also inform him to stop threatening to, and go-ahead and LEAVE!!! Nobody threatens me, and if you keep suggesting breakups; then I will ask you don't say it again...just pack and go!
Well, judging my the length of your post, my dear...YOU WILL get fed-up! That's when you'll do it! "Enough is enough! It is time that you take your raging, threatening, and complaining far far away! Life is tough for everybody, you've got problems...I've got problems... everybody's got troubles! That's life!!! Solve them, or just shut-up with your complaining!" Then go stay with a friend or family member for a few days and give him time to think about it. If you're scared he'll leave you. The get earplugs and deal with it. Sit there and be his captive-audience and listen to it all-day and all-night. When you're locked in a moving car, and he's in full-fledged road-rage! If you won't go, or ask him to; then apparently you can take it.
I'm not making any excuses for us, but we men don't show our emotions openly; because from boys, we are taught and conditioned to believe that crying and whining is girlish or effeminate. Although it is the best relief-valve ever! Culturally, it's universal; it's found all over the world! You either internalize or suppress your feelings. You're not allowed to show emotion or weakness. Men, therefore, resort to aggression and anger to vent mounting and unending-frustration. Unable to admit he can't handle-it anymore! So his relentless venting becomes a habit! Women get to cry, faint, whine, nag, get emotional, and dramatize until you get it all off your chests. That's why you live longer!
I think he's getting to be more than you can handle, if it moved you to write for advice. You'll either take a stance, or somebody has to take a walk! That's how it is solved.
"But I love him" is not an excuse to be a victim of abuse, relentless-intimidation, and unrestrained male-aggression. It's justification to kick him out, or for you to leave him!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (30 July 2020):
 You say you can't trust him and you are losing the loving feeling you had for him.
Have you tried TALKING to him?
Asking him, what DO you mean when you say:" I think this relationship will not work anymore" ?
And expressing how you don't want to fight because he bring in drama with his sister. But that you want to listen to him if he needs that.
It sounds like you already have one foot out the door, so DECIDE do you want to be with him or not. If you don't, END it and walk away.
It can't be good for the kids to watch you two fight.
TALK to him and WITH him. Ask him how the two of you can make things work. Not "for as long as you can" because that is a cop out. But how to make THIS relationship work. What does he NEED from you that he isn't getting and what YOU need from him that you aren't getting.
If you two can't HAVE these kind of conversations there is no real "hope" for a healthy relationship. You need to BE able to EXPRESS yourself to him and him to you. Without pointing a finger or lay the blame at each other's feet.
YOU can not! hold him responsible for exes that cheated. That is unfair of you. Sure, you had some bad luck with your PAST partners, don't go blaming this guy for that. Or try and hold him responsible for what OTHER men did. You are not some "poor woman" martyr who just got cheated on and cheated on. YOU CHOSE these partners, you trusted them and you MADE a mistake. ACCEPT that, brush yourself off and LET the past BE the past. Focus on the here and now and the future, on HOW to make the future safe and healthy for you and your partner and your kids!
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