A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, not smooth sailing, but learning to talk to eachother properly, and we had a reflective evening last night, we spoke rationally about whether the ups and downs are something that are incompatibilities, or if its just learning curve for us both. We are both headstrong. So we talked with no pressure, we talked about future, and what we would like on the future path, he said he would like to be able to picture moving in together in the near future. Which we both agreed on what moving in together means, and the kinda talks we'd need to have pre-moving in (as in not just a 'its easier this way decision')We then came around to future together, and children, just a digression, not a point we needed to discuss, but he did say - "i'm not even sure if I want children I don't know yet, life might be perfectly fine,and might not want to change that with children."So I just said if we continue to date with the intentions to moving in, I'll be moving in with you based on a risk you might not want children in the future...?I'm almost 29, and albeit not too soon, I think I will want children, especially as I watch friends starting families in 5 years etc.I think it'll be a great experience, although definitely not now.I'm not sure where that left me really. I'd feel more comfortable if he thought the same as me, wanting children but not right now.Any advice?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): Thank you for your responses
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): This really boils down to you having to decide for yourself what your risk tolerance is. He has been honest about where he stands. Now it is up to you what to do with this information.I suggest that you decide for yourself how long you are willing to wait tobsee if he changes his mind from uncertainty to a clear being in favors of kids. Then after that time is up the ball is in your court to stay or leave. Do not try to influence him. If he supposedly decodes he wants kids, as a result of your pressure, you wont know (and neither may he) how genuine his feeling is.In fact I would suggest that if you are anxious to have kids fairly soon then you should probably end this relationship now and not risk wasting more time only to then end up putting pressure on him. He may not he ready for kids for another 20 years or maybe never. The right person but at the wrong time, is still the wrong relationship. The whole point of courtship os to identify is this person is the right one for you. Wanting kids is one factor, for many such as yourself it is a very important factor. For him it's not that important. Therefore to me this already shows a glaring incompatibility between you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 The follow up was this: "Before I move in with you, I do want to know that we have the same plans for the future. I'm nearing 30. I think I may want children. I would like to know if having children or not is a deal-breaker."
You're in your late 20s, actually very close to 30, and have been together for 2 years. At this point, you should have an idea if this is really a long term relationship or not.
"he would like to be able to picture moving in together in the near future" Ah, so he's hoping he'll be able to think about thinking about moving in together?
If you bring up the children thing, are you afraid you are going to drive him away or something?
Sorry to be the awful nasty person who points out that your fertility drops with every year…. it's fine for a guy to assume he has plenty of time, he does, as long as he has functioning sperm. Your fertility is limited by age and available eggs…. you do actually have to set a timetable if you think you will want children.
So, the first 2 years were problematic? How so?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): Men often don't think as far in advance about relationships as women do. He may think let's date four or fives times, then I'll decide if I want her as a girlfriend.
By the third date, she feels their in a relationship; generally speaking.
He said:"i'm not even sure if I want children I don't know yet, life might be perfectly fine,and might not want to change that with children."
There is no certainty in that comment. "I'm not sure" means,
he is undecided. If life doesn't offer him the option, he is prepared to deal with that. The discussion was hypothetical. You took it literally.
You have taken a leap far into the future with the presumption that you may marry this man. That is how many women build dreams that fall apart. Jumping far ahead of where things should be.
They put everything in place before you reach that stage in the development of your relationship.
You may not want him as a husband. Who knows what the future brings. Either of you could be sterile; or become sterile, and may not have the option. At least, aside from adoption.
So interpret "I'm not sure" as being up in the air at the present moment.
You did say it was a "reflective" evening. You didn't say you had your stone and chisel set aside to keep permanent record of every word he said.
Don't schedule your life according to where other people are. Just because they're ready for family and marriage doesn't mean you are. Life may not have it set for when you think that should happen.
Don't set yourself up for frustration or disappointment. Just in case there are a few curves in the road.
Set your goals, but don't place your expectations too high.
There are many factors that may predicate when it is time to start a family. Like finances, your health, fertility, and unforeseen setbacks. You aren't necessarily ready to be a mother; just because you may want to have a child.
You may have yet more lessons; and have more experiences in store; before you are prepared for that responsibility. You may even change your mind. Woman's prerogative.
Life may delay your goals, pointing you in another direction. So keep it "reflective." So keep options open, and have plans A,B,& C. That's more realistic. Time will tell.
Plan the future. Don't set firm time-tables. That will force you to make rash decisions, and/or rush to judgment in situations that could adversely affect your life.
All things in due time. Take it gradual and work with the present, prepare for the future, and don't jump to conclusions. He was only talking. He didn't know you'd hold him to it.
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