A
female
age
30-35,
*bonyBlossom
writes:I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 21. We've been together for just over a year. We only have sex about once a week, sometimes not even that, or twice a week at a push. I want to have sex a little more often (twice a week every week would be great), but my boyfriend says he likes sex to be spontaneous. He doesn't like it to be 'initiated.' I know that also he feels pressured into it if he senses I'm horny, and that just turns him off. I would buy sexy lingerie etc, or set the mood, but I just fear it would all be wasted.When we do it, I know he loves sex with me. He's always going on about how warm, soft and tight I am, and even said that as far as the anatomy goes (rather than sexual skills) that I'm very gifted, moreso than his exes. He also said I had the best figure.He did tell me however, about one of his exes (his most serious relationship before me) that she had lied and said she wasn't a virgin when she was, and she 'coulda fooled me.' And I just know from that statement that she was better in bed than I was. And the girl was a god damn virgin. I wasn't even a virgin when I got with my boyfriend.He is really experienced. The first time he had sex was 6 years ago, and including myself, he has slept with 13 girls (7 in a relationship, 6 were one night stands.) I've only slept with one other person, and I lost my virginity 18 months ago. And that was terrible. My ex was also a virgin, crap at sex and only thinking of himself, with him on top, pounding as fast as he could with no consideration of me.My boyfriend has had very exciting sex with his ex girlfriends. He has had sex with them in the car, at friends' houses, on the beach under the pier, tried it in the swimming pool, even at college! Anywhere you can think of really. But since he's been with me, we have not been experimental at all. He shows no desire to be. I however do not have the same exciting sexual history and I want to try new things. I've only ever had sex at my house, at his house, at my exes house, and in a tent at a festival. However I just feel that if I mentioned the new things I want to try, that they would get brushed aside or would turn him off.He doesn't know how much it bothers me, but I am hurt that he has done all these exciting things with his exes and never with me. That he doesn't seem to show any enthusiasm in giving me this gift. We don't even try new positions.With my ex, I used to love oral sex. It's the only thing that has ever given me an orgasm besides masturbation. My boyfriend, in not so many words, won't go down on me. He'd only done it once to one other girl, and he did it twice to me (one time he was drunk) and they both failed to please me and I think he felt embarrassed and gave up. He won't exchange one with a blow-job because 'the whole point of a blow job is to get off without having to do anything, and sex is better anyway so if you want something in return, we might as well just have sex' (this is something he said a long time ago.) I want to get him to touch me etc, but I'm too shy to ask him. I also worry that if he was too busy pleasuring me he'd get bored, lose his sex drive and not want to have sex.He says he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone, and I do believe he does because he is so perfect in so many ways. But I just worry that he's not attracted to me sexually, does not desire me, or is just losing his sex drive.I do believe everything he has told me about his past, as he's not the type of person to lie to give a false impression (it's one of his pet hates), and he says he's not proud of his past.His job seems to make him extremely tired, he has a poor diet and is a picky eater, and therefore seems to require an awful lot of sleep, and this really doesn't help matters, especially as he only sleeps at my house if he has work the next day (four days a week, normally all in a row.) He said he doesn't like doing it at his house as his Grandparents' bedroom is below his, but we had sex on his bed during the day while his grandparents were in two weeks ago (that was also the last time we had sex, but I had my period between then and now.)I feel that I'm being so needy and pathetic, letting sex bother me this much. But it's been making me feel quite depressed lately and I don't know what I can do about it =[
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blow-job, depressed, drunk, ex girlfriend, his ex, horny, lost my virginity, my ex, no desire, one night stand, oral sex, orgasm, period, sex drive, sex life, sexual past, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (1 August 2010):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the question I had a brief talk with him last night about the situation. We got onto the subject of him being really tired every night and I mentioned how it got in the way of things. I mentioned how I'd been upset lately and felt like he didn't want to have sex with me. He said that it was 'far from the truth' and pretty much said 'believe me, I want to (have sex) but I have to get up early every morning and by the time our programmes are over at night (the stuff we like to watch is always on really late) I really have to go to bed.' He also admitted to being horny and tired at the same time, but because of work, he has to prioritise his sleep over sex. The annoying thing is that my house is closer to his workplace than his house, so he only stays at mine when he has work the next day as it's easier for him to get there. And he works several days all in a row, so when we spend the night together, he's already tired and has to get up early the next day. And then when he gets to have a lie in or doesn't have to work, he goes home and we spend the night apart. I think this is what is ruining our sex life. If this is the case then I don't know what to do about it. Last time he had a few days off we had sex two days in a row, it was great, and he explained to me that he was more up for it because he had been well rested. He also said it would be better when he has time off. He has a week off at the end of august so hopefully things will be better then.
I'm starting university in September and will be just as tired as he is, at least during the week. I worry that this is going to destroy our sex life and I don't know what to do =[
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 I know a women friend that confided in me that she could be all spread out nude on the bed and "pleasuring herself" and her husband would come out of the bathroom and just walk on by. She confided in me to ask if I thought that was unusual. Of course I said yes it was a crime. Turned out months later he had prostate cancer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): Oral sex is wonderful and I'm sorry you do not have a guy that is not willing to do that for you. My guy only wants sex 1/2 a week but said he will do oral sex on me on the days he cannot do it. Though that hurts me because like you I have a higher sex drive. To be honest you got more problems as your boyfriend sounds selfish. Have a talk with him but remember how young you are, too young to be stuck in a unsatisfying sexual relationship.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (31 July 2010):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has had some issues at work that bother him. But he went for several months on the dole last year and that made him incredibly stressed but we used to have sex about 2 or 3 times a week then. He's staying over at mine tonight and he doesn't have work today or tomorrow. I might bring it up with him, but I don't want him to get angry at me or think I'm being petty or selfish. I'm really scared that it will lead to an argument and nothing will change.
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A
male
reader, model101_t800  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 I so much agree with jmc930 response. Take it up with him now. Its not that you are bound to him (marriage). You are very young and have the right to pleasure and happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): You have to talk to your boyfriend about this, no matter how awkward you fear it might be. He's hurt your feelings by comparing you to his exes (a no-no), and now he's seemingly unwilling to be as adventurous with you as he was with them, although you really want him to be.
Address the issue with him just as you've presented it to us. Tell him you know how much he cares about you, and he should know how much you care about him. Tell him you are so attracted to him that you can't help wanting to have so much sex with him. Having sex more often than one time a week doesn't make it "planned," by the way, it just means you're having a lot of sex. You can tell him your ideas and fantasies; until you've told him, you never know how he'll respond!
If he rejects them and acts as though he doesn't care, you, my friend, have a decision to make: Do you want to continue to feel like he isn't attracted to you while you're putting so much love and effort into the relationship? Or would you rather be with someone who thinks you're the most beautiful, perfect girl on the planet and shows you exactly how he feels?
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A
female
reader, agonyaunt778 +, writes (31 July 2010):
You know what they say... if the sex is bad it's 80% of the relationship. If it's good it's 20% of the relationship and you'll find other little things to complain about.
I don't have much respect for guys that don't like to go down on me. I also don't like guys who have to be 'in control' about when to have sex. I think initiating sex should go both ways, and when he says 'spontaneous' does he really mean whenever he wants to have it? That's no very fair, and doesn't sound very spontaneous to me if it's just happening in the bedroom.
You sound like a girl guys would love to date (most guys I know want sex every night) so at your age you should be with someone who's hot for you and makes you feel wanted.
On the other hand, you do say he's perfect in evry other way so don't be afraid to initiate or tell him things you want to try! Maybe he thinks that you're not as interested in having crazy sex in strange places. Communication is very important. Make sure you don't come off as 'complaining' though. Teasing is a good way to do it. Making your own spontaneity is good as well. Maybe the next time you're driving in a car just tell him to pull over cause you need to take a quick break, and then jump on top of him.
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A
female
reader, Dr.Ski +, writes (31 July 2010):
Listen, we all have needs, and maybe you should talk too him about this. Of course your dreading that, a fool of me too mention it... has anything bad happened too him recently, or is anything on his mind? Because things like that can really bring a drag down on love life. :) x
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