A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have asked lots of undetailed questions before on this site but now im going to really go into detail cuz i havent gotten help yet. Thanks to whoever answers!So me and my boyfriend have been dating for a long time now. And in the begginging everything was perfect and we were really attracted to each other. We waited about 5 months before we had any type of sex. He has a girlfriend before me that he dated for a little over a year. He told me he was ready to get married have have a family with her. Which I didn't like to hear. Now he's telling me the same things like he wants to have a family with me in a couple years and get married. Im not sure if hes just saying this, and says this to all girls. I also just feel like maybe he still likes his x more then me. Maybe im just really insecure? So just recently he went to another state for about 5 days. He told me not to hangout with people while he was gone. So I told him I was going on a walk through town with my sister, and he said "oh then im gunna cheat on you" so naturally I think hes really going to. He also doesnt like me talking to any guys. He deleted them all out of my phone, and goes on my email and checks to see who I talk to. He also doesnt like me going out with other friends, EVEN GIRLS!!! He said he was hanging out with 3 girls in the jacuzzi and whatever. Im totally against any type of cheating. Flirting is cheating to me. I just dont know if he really loves me like he says he does. Im still really depressed over getting an abortion and he treats me pretty badly considering what i have been through. I feel like he doesnt appreciate anything i do for him, and he takes me for granted. I just want to know what everyone thinks about this. Do you guys think he really loves me or not? Do you think hes just been using me this whole time? Or do you think hes just not interested in me anymore? Should I end this, or try and fix this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): No matter how flat a pancake is there is always two sides. I don't know his side of the story, as to why he is worried about who you talk to, why he would delete numbers from your phone of guys that you like to talk to.
But it is clear that their are issues of trust and control in this relationship.
The only way to get to the bottom of it is to ask him where this mistrust is coming from. What is it that he is afraid of?
I think what he said to you was inappropriate, but that is all I can say because I don't have the whole picture which includes his view of things. For all I know you are a drunken sott who flirts with men and removes articles of clothing in front of men or makes out with the first man who talks to her when she is drunk. I don't know what the circumstances are that are at the core of this issue between you and your boyfriend.
The first thing to do is to have some open and honest communication....to tell him how it makes you feel when he threatens you with flirting and threatens you with cheating if you don't do x, y, z while he is gone.
The relationship has gone off track and you have unhealthy patterns of communication established here and a lack of personal boundaries. If you care about your relationship then perhaps counseling is in order. Beyond that I can't answer your questions as to whether or not he loves you...
I hope you get the help that you need from a professional, and do not let your boyfriend shake your self confidence during this time of discontent....it takes two to make a relationship work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): hi anon,
obviously nobodies gonna be able to tell you what to do definitively, you are going to have to make that decision.
But on the other note i say dump him, and though i doubt you will, i am going to tell you why i think so.
I think you both have sick ideas of what a relationship is. NOBODY CAN TELL YOU WHO YOU CAN AND CAN NOT HANG OUT WITH.
Flirting is not cheating, it's incredibly hard to get many people to agree on what flirting is without going n trying to make it mean a completely different word. sometimes you smile at a shop clerk. sometimes the guy cleaning your car makes you laugh. SO what? you just stop communication with the rest of the world? cos you're in a relationship? just in case someone deems it flirting?? seems extreme and is.
It sounds like you have been in a codependent relationship. you can NOT ask a partner to relinquish their freedom because you love them. Because what was love turns into the worst kind of needing, needing them to define you, needing them to tell you what to do, where to go, how to look, what to say, who to say it to. And vice versa, it's more than karma it's the law of balance if you've been letting him push you around and you've been beating him up with emotional blackmail trying to get the confirmation you need to feel good enough, to feel better than the ex, better than the way you were feeling before he called or showed up. You are both responsible, you let him delete those numbers???????? i'd have kicked him out of my life in a blink of an eye. he still doesn't make you feel like your the best thing that ever happened? well to late cos he's never gonna.
I know this seems pretty harsh but think about what you know LOVE is about and do you see any of that in your question? do you?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 April 2009):
Do you honestly think this is normal in a relationship?
He doesn't trust you, doesn't respect you, and treats you like crap.
I think you know deep down that this is not right, and no, he can say what he wants but any man who acts in the way he does not love you.
I bet he loves how much control he has over you though. He loves that feeling of power.
I mean threatening to cheat on you for seeing your sister????
Come on!
Seriously if you think this is what men are supposed to be like then you must have had a very warped childhood.
Dump him, cut him off, get some self respect and then you can find a real man who will treat you like a lady rather than this pathetic creep who uses you like an emotional punchbag.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): I'm sorry but usually guys that act like this are the ones that cheat the most. They are all possessive over you because they know how they act when you're not around. I'd be very careful of him because he doesn't seem very trustworthy.
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