A
female
age
41-50,
*creennametaken
writes:This is a question for the guys, mostly!If you were a 29-year-old male, newly divorced, and in love with a new woman, would you take this woman back?- You have your daughter for the weekend, and decide to surprise your new girlfriend of about six months with breakfast on a Sunday morning, only to find HER screwing a Chinese dude in her bed. - It turns out that she has screwed half the office.- She has a reputation for being easy, e.g. ex-boyfriends posting jokes on her Facebook page about how she cannot be faithful.- She openly tells you she does not love you, but that she believes "we can make it work". She is over 30 and desperate for a child.- While you are broken up (she has dumped you about six times), she gloats about the fact that her new boyfriend is taking her to Dubai for a holiday. - Lots of fighting, slamming doors, arguing. - You go to a concert hoping to meet her and patch things up, but then realize she only needs you to borrow money from.- She is not at all beautiful or even attractive (this is an objective fact, no one thinks she is actually pretty). Has no charisma to speak of, and no humor. Just a very skinny white chick.- Two years into the live-in relationship, your mutual child has dark brown hair. You yourself are extremely blond, as is she. Not saying it's not his kid, but all of us were wondering...!As you can tell, this is based on a true story.Now, taking all this into account, would YOU, as a normal, self-respecting male move FORWARD with this person? If you decide to do it, what would your thinking be? Knowing that women aren't geared to sleeping around if they are in love with their partners (not so for men). Would this be a relationship you would dive headfirst into? If so, why would you do it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): [Mod note: this was submitted from an anon but does show a pattern in the OP's relationship with the male in question in a 2 year period.] http://www.dearcupid.org/question/distraught-over-lost-one-time-fling.html
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 October 2013):
 I would have guessed you were the ex-gf and thus the interest in their relationship. That is why I asked - curiosity and all.
I don't know how often I see people ( for instance my nieces who are all in their 20's) doing absurdly stupid, hurtful and inane stuff and I wonder too WTF is wrong with them. The thing is, Just like I can guess why they do it, so can we here on DC, you and your friends and you might never find out what motivates him to stay with her. Heck HE might not even know it.
I understand that you are worried for your friend ( or ex-friend) but when people are being destructive with their lives there are times you can't do anything by sit "helplessly" on the sideline and watch the drama unfold. Or stay as far away from them as possible, so their drama don't spill over in your life.
As for the FB stuff. I would toss a grain of salt that way and say, no they might PRETEND that all is great and happy, but with a relationship like you described that is highly unlikely. It's fueled by drama and toxic waste.
Like I mentioned my nieces. Well, the oldest had her two kids taken away, someone else is raising them. BUT if you saw her FB page you would think she is up for "Mother of the Year Award". That the reason the kids won a ribbon (or whatever) is because she is so outstanding in her parenting. And you know what's worse? there are people who don't know the whole situation who cheer her on (on FB) it's RIDICULOUS. So really, I would take with a grain of salt.
Obviously they BOTH get something out of that crazy partnership or they wouldn't stick it out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): You lost me at matching tattoos.
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A
female
reader, screennametaken +, writes (15 October 2013):
screennametaken is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, to the previous writer -- I don't really know why that is relevant...? If I say I am a neighbor, or a gay male friend, or an ex-girlfriend, or sister, how does that change the scenario??
Anyway, since you have asked, I am his former best friend. Someone who cared for him and his older daughter very deeply. Someone whom he treated badly and discarded, thinking I would be his friend for life and accept his decisions.
Again, that is hardly the point. Take me out of the equation. We have about four mutual friends who are all wondering.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 October 2013):
I still have to ask, who are you in relations to these two people?
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A
female
reader, screennametaken +, writes (15 October 2013):
screennametaken is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi - not sure if people circle back to this, but what you have all written here seems to be what I also instinctively feel.
They have been together for four years now, have a two-year-old and just got matching hearts (hollow black ones) tattooed on their ring fingers.
I am really curious as to whether they have managed to heal things completely, or whether Facebook postings etc are just for show.
Can one honestly heal and recover so completely from this? Neither of them are the therapy-going type at all. In the past, they were each involved in drug use and partying.
I am still affected by this - would appreciate a response. Thanks!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Um... no
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): No way NEVER. I wouldn't even want to use her for sex or a blowjob. Ew Gross!
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (3 October 2013):
 Only if you are delusional or a cuckhold would you want to press forward
If someone does not respect themself, nobody will respect them
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Only if you like slamming your thumb in the door because it will feel so good when you stop.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 October 2013):
 hell. no.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): If I was a 29-year-old male, newly divorced, firstly I wouldn't be in love with a new woman I'd be an emotional and mental mess completely on the rebound.
Would I go back to a woman like you described? I like to think not but in that mental state the last thing I would be considered as is "a normal, self-respecting male".
Plus there's nothing self respecting about a man or woman that tolerates even one of those things, so who cares about how many things she's done, this is a guy who is willing to put up with it.
OP you've probably been in some poisonous relationships, maybe you didn't tolerate this much but you tolerated too much. If so then you know the deal. Some people are like heroin. Only the come down is bad, when you have your fix the world is great again and it's a very good great too OP. Some people need relationships that fiery to function, they need the high that comes with that and they'll tolerate the shit to keep getting it.
It takes a long time to get out of that mindset, and like a heroin addiction it can really warp your thinking.
So I can see how it can happen with the guy you talk about.
I've been in some messed up relationships and high of the good times is very intense, exciting, passionate in ways settled, good relationships can rarely live up to. Of course it's not worth it in the slightest but not everyone can resist.
FYI: The women are less inclined to cheat thing is the sexist, derogatory 'men are sexual deviants' myth similar to saying all women are emotionally fragile and incapable of logical thought. Women are just as inclined to cheat. In fact it's about 50/50 amongst the people I've known.
OP if you happen to be the "new woman" then don't try and understand it, just run. She's clearly not better than you if you don't these kinds of thing, he's obviously just a messed up fool. Good riddance. Don't get involved any further.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 October 2013):
Women cheat as much (or close) as men do. About 70 percent of married men admitted to cheating on their wives. Most statistics found that about 50 to 60 percent of women admitted to having an affair. So it's close. So saying that women aren't geared to cheating isn't really true, unfortunately in this day and age "cheating" seems to be the "new black". It's almost fashionable.
Some people (men are rarely as bad as women) think they can "fix" their partner, they actually enter INTO the relationship eyes wide open thinking THEY can change the other person by loving them with all their heart and IF the partner cheats, they believe THEY failed in somehow loving enough.
She might be "less then pretty" and attractive (in your eyes) but... somehow she must have some kind of SUPER snatch for all these co-workers wanting to screw her and for he guy to want t ostay with her.
As for the kid hair color, can't go by just looking at the parents. Got to look a the grand parents too. I have 3 daughters with my husband, they have 3 different variation of blond hair. 2 look a LOT like me, 1 look more like my husband.
IF HE (the dad) has doubt about the paternity, he ought to do a DNA test. But he might not CARE. He might just love the kid anyways.
As for the GF screwing a Chinese guy, well does it really matter WHAT ethnic back ground the dude is? Cheating is cheating, no matter what nationality.
My guess is, he is still holding out hope that he can fix her, that HE is the one to make her be monogamous. And he might be in serious denial as to what is going on.
If you are his friend, I would ONLY point it out if he asks, because he will not listen otherwise.
My question is who are you to this guy? That you have taken it upon yourself to analyze his relationship? However F'd up it is?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): "Now, taking all this into account, would YOU, as a normal, self-respecting male move FORWARD with this person?"As a normal, self-respecting male I would have dumped her after catching her in bed with another man. As a normal, self-respecting male I would have dumped her after finding out she had screwed half the office. As a normal, self-respecting male I would have dumped her after discovering she was incapable of being faithful, especially if I already knew that first hand. As a normal, self-respecting male I would have dumped her after she told me she didn't love me. As a normal, self-respecting male I wouldn't have been dumb enough to have unprotected sex with a woman who had told me she didn't love me but was desperate to have a child. As a normal, self-respecting male I would not have taken her back after the second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth times she dumped me. As a normal, self-respecting male I would not have taken her back after she gloated about her ex-boyfriend taking her to Dubai for a holiday. As a normal, self-respecting male I would have dumped her due to lots of fighting and door slamming.As a normal, self-respecting male I would not have taken her back after realizing she was a money-grubbing gold-digger looking for a handout. As a normal, self-respecting male I would not have bothered to pursue a woman whom I did not find attractive or believed to have any redeeming personality characteristics. As a normal, self respecting male I would not have shacked up for one day, let alone two years, with a woman who was not attractive nor had any redeeming personality characteristics, whom I had caught in bed with another man and who had told me she did not love me.As a normal, self respecting male I would have insisted on a DNA test at birth to determine if I was really the bio-father of any spawn of a woman whom I had caught in bed with another man and who had told me that she did not love me but was desperate to have a child. So, to answer your question, as a normal, self-respecting male I would NOT move forward in this relationship, my thinking being that while women aren't geared to sleeping around if they are in love with their partners, if I had caught her in bed with another man and she had told me she didn't love me, I would consider that an indication that she would be very likely to sleep around.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 October 2013):
Why are you asking a rhetorical question? How many people do you expect to say "yes, she sounds great!"?
If you're asking because you know someone who has taken a woman like this back and you don't understand why, let's just say that the guy has self esteem issues. He takes her back because he just wants to be loved. Not by someone deserving of his love, but by the person who rejected him and made him feel like there's got to be something wrong with him.
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