A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I wrote two times here about an older man I had a crush on, got advice here, stepped back and realized that like the aunts and uncles warned that he was a no go. (Thanks again!) I've been cordial since he works/lives not too far from where I work. Recently, a co-worker came in to my office and showed me a picture of a security guard we both knew who had his lip busted by someone in the building where he worked. Guess who? The Older Man!! Apparently, he got very drunk, hit the security guy who advised to go home (politely) and even fought with police when they got called! I never imagined that a fifty-seven year old man could act like such a dumb teenager. Actually, most teenagers I do know would never act like that. A week later, he comes to me and tries idle chit-chat. I was cordial but not friendly. A week later he puts two and two together and guessed that I knew. He said he was really embarrassed and that it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been so drunk. I told him honestly that I hate violence-all violence and though the event was none of my business, I was told about it and it was upsetting to hear. He apologized. I told him that he did not owe me an apology or explanation but that I really would appreciate him not coming to my job as it wasn't professional. He agreed and said that he hoped I wouldn't look at him differently. I'm grossed out. I don't like violent men and think it's only for self-defense. That poor security guard had a lip the size of a golf ball and because he was forced to strike back, he got in trouble and lost his job. I really want to leave my job to be away from him cause it concerns me that he's close by. My friend, who knows the whole situation told me to stay put and not let him scare me away. What do I do?
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co-worker, crush, drunk, lost his job, older man, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2017): Stay put. You are surrounded by people who have behaved badly and may be potentially violent that you know nothing about. You can't quit your job and go running from them when you learn about it.
Suggest that he stay away from you or this will become a police matter. Be firm that you're not interested in his personal-life; and you would prefer he kept his distance, and never come to your job again. Inform him that you will file a police complaint and you will seek whatever legal action necessary to keep him away from you. If he continues to hang around, I suggest that you do it.
You can get another job; but if you don't put-up the necessary road-blocks to keep him away, he'll just find you wherever you go.
A
male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 You have excellent advice from other posters. The only additional thing I would say is that if he does get friendly with another woman, she needs to know what happened. Otherwise, she is at risk.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 If you can get a restraining order (consult an attorney first) then move to a new address. The guy is a time bomb and you need to take measures to protect yourself. Do whatever you can to avoid this guy. He's one drink away from hurting someone very seriously. much more than a busted lip.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (1 February 2017):
 Like you, I abhor violence so I can totally understand how repulsed you were by what you saw. Well done for handling a tricky situation very well - honestly and to the point.
If this guy is capable of such violence - drunk or not - then nobody is safe, so do be careful around him. I think your approach of being polite without being over-friendly is spot on - although don't be surprised if he starts to push the boundaries in time and try to increase the friendliness level. Be prepared to be firm. Refuse all offers of social contact and have your survival radar switched on.
Often women are taught to be too polite for their own good. We feel guilty if we are rude to someone but sometimes that is what is required to get the message across. If he keeps bugging you, be firmer - and even slightly ruder - next time, until the message sinks in.
I agree with your friend that you should not (yet) allow him to drive you out of your job, especially if it is one you like. If he keeps bothering you, could you speak to someone in your HR Department or a supervisor/manager and get them to ask him to keep away?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2017): Watch out that he does not try to stalk you or becomes obsessed with you.
You just never know with a volatile and emotionally immature man-child like this.
He has the potential to become dangerous. A man who is rejected and violent like him could try to assault you or rape you. These are extremes and I am not trying to scare you. Just want you to be well aware.
Keep your eyes open at all times.
Tell your story to a buddy at work or a friend so that they are aware of this man's inappropriate attention towards you. When you are leaving work, text your mom, a friend and let them know you are leaving and if you are going home or somewhere else. Never walk to your car alone in the parking lot, especially at night. Always have a co-worker accompany you. I would also tell your manager at work so that he/she is aware of this person and can call security if or when he tries to show up. In fact, he should not be allowed into the building at all. Everyone at work should have his picture and so if he ever enters the building, he will promptly be escorted out. These are extreme measures but if it comes to that, then you need to do what you need to do.
If he starts to bother you, tell him if he does it again, you will call the police.
He has not crossed that line..... YET.
But it is possible he will.
Always be a step ahead.
Always be safe.
You handled yourself well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 February 2017):
 I think you handled it right, and my guess is he will look elsewhere you a younger and more naive girl than you who doesn't know him that well.
I don't think he will chase you or anything BUT do pay attention if he starts to linger when you get off work. IF so, start by changing up your schedule (if you can) and the route you take.
YOU do NOT own him to be polite or nice.
IF he tries again to talk to you, just tell him you don't want anything to do with him. BUT don't do it if you are on the street all alone, if you get my drift.
I think he IS embarrassed that YOU know because he KNOWS you DO think less of him and who wouldn't?!
Hopefully ge will go away and leave you be.
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