A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together almost 8 years. One thing that is bothering me more and more is that if she gets mad at me (such as if we're arguing about something) she will ignore me, sometimes for days. Last night we went for dinner and, as always, we sat at the bar of a local restaurant. A man we see there quite often (every time we go, he's a regular) sat down next to my girlfriend. We chatted with him a bit and then we were talking about something between us and I pulled up an article and was reading it to her. We were both laughing and engaged in our own conversation when the man suddenly interrupted and then monopolized the conversation for about 20 minutes. I couldn't really hear him and I began watching the basketball game that was on TV. After a while their conversation concluded and she was visibly annoyed with me. I asked her why and, long story short, we got in an argument because she perceived I was mad at her for not giving me her full attention and rejected all efforts I made to say that was not true - that I was annoyed that he rudely interrupted and monopolized her attention, and that I really couldn't hear him anyway so I couldn't participate in the conversation.As we walked out she said, very sternly, "Goodnight" and walked away. I said, "Come on, are we really going to fight over that?" to which she said louder, "Goodnight!" So I went home (we live separately due to her having teenage children). I haven't heard from her since. I called this morning but she didn't answer and I left a message just saying I didn't want to fight so please call me. We have a Christmas party to attend tonight but, based on past experience, she will ignore me for days. Once we do talk, it will all be my fault.I don't know what I'm asking for, I'm just frustrated. It really upsets me when this happens and I don't think it will ever change. Please don't tell me to just break up with her, I can't. But any other advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2018): I am the anonymous female who wrote in earlier. I'd just like to point out that Code Warrior is talking about exactly the kind of more 'manly' approach that I think could be the issue.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2018): Well, she knows the silent-treatment is an effective tool for getting back at you. All you can do is wait it out; until she cools off. She wants you to stew in it for a little while; then she'll probably wait for an apology, and maybe pout some more. If this is a pattern of her behavior; you're reinforcing it when you get really upset about it.
You not 10, and she's not your mother!
If you have kids, you know that when they pout or or get moody; the best thing to do is ignore them until they snap out of it. She likes to make you grovel and beg for forgiveness. If you want to get past this tactic; just ignore it until she gets over herself. The more you fuss and plead, the more you'll be ignored. She knows when she's getting to you. Modify the behavior. Turn it around. She doesn't want to listen to you, then don't talk! Simple!
She's a grown-woman who has used this childish passive-aggressive behavior effectively all her life. It has been perfected with time; so she can go for days ignoring people.
Probably something she's done since childhood. When people act childish; one of you has to be an adult. Just ignore her. Stop fretting, it's useless. If you know you haven't done anything wrong; stop conceding and apologizing just to be ignored. Apologizing over petty things just to make people like you, is enabling them to manipulate you. Just let it pass. Apologize only when you've actually done something wrong. Apologizing for nothing makes people write you off as stupid. They won't respect you for that.
The more you reinforce it, the more frequent you'll be on the receiving-end of it. The more you overreact, the longer she will ignore you. People who do this hate it even more when they're the victim of it. Only, it's better to act as if you don't care; while they're busy carrying-on. Be humble and polite. Speak less. Then when adulthood returns, work it out. If you can't do that, then suffer.
She had a drink, or two. She finds you a bit annoying anyhow. Eight years, and no marriage proposal. A bad day, or the kids are bugging her; and she might have been spoiling for a fight. I think alcohol is the culprit here, she just got a little mean. It wasn't just you, maybe a few things.
Maybe even the hormones of menopause.
Even if it bugs you, shrug it off. The silent-treatment isn't effective; unless the recipient or victim is bothered by it. It has to have a psychological-effect. Tapping into unsavory childhood memories, and your social-sensitivities. Then she can push your buttons.
My mate has this thing with one or two-word answers. I just wait it out. I'm patient. We're both adults. If she can ignore you days on end; find something constructive to do; while she gets over herself. Stop giving-her the satisfaction of knowing that ignoring you gets under your skin. You're both too old for such nonsense.
Oh, we don't always suggest breaking-up. Time, worn nerves, and the last straw will let you know when that's necessary.
Stop leaving messages, if you don't get a response. It gives her too much satisfaction ignoring them, while you squirm.
She'll get pretty lonely carrying her own butt on her shoulders and nose in the air. She'll tire of herself!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2018): I just can not be bothered anymore with time wasting sulkers who silently abuse!!!! please give her one chance to resolve and in future, just go and enjoy been foot loose and fancy free with happy go lucky people who WANT to be happy. Sulkers are a waste of time and energy and spoilt brats who just want everything their own way. Why put yourself through it? why reason? why beg? why be bothered?
Yes, I have bitter memories of somebody like this, and it ruined so much of our time together and over sheer pettiness.
Choose happiness.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 December 2018):
 If this is a pattern of behavior from her, YOU have to decide if that is something you NEED to discuss with her, or if it's a deal-breaker or something you can live with.
The likelihood of her "changing" her behavior is pretty slim. Obviously, this "silent treatment" works for her. It makes YOU think you did something wrong and I BET you would apologize and try and smooth things over EVERY time she does this, am I right?
It's a manipulation/control move.
Manipulation; Instead of having a discussion WHY your behavior upset her, you her behavior upset you... SHE shuts everything down and ignores it. Because SHE KNOWS it affects you. You don't like silent treatment. (no one really does). But she feels it gives her the upper hand.
Control; when she pulls THAT switch you become a tad clingy with constant contact, trying to fix whatever made her mad.
YOU aren't ALLOWED to be upset that some OTHER DUDE budge into your dinner date and monopolize her time? Seriously?
So she would be TOTALLY OK if this had been a female wanting to have a long chat with you?
Honestly? My advice would be to STOP contacting her. When she can get over herself and call you, HAVE a discussion about how you two need to handle disagreements and honesty. The fact that she PRESUMED you were mad at her (which I kinda understand if you were, as SHE could have shut down this tête-à-tête with that dude saying it's nice talking to you but we are actually out on a dinner date.) But regardless, SHE PRESUMED (without knowing) that you MUST have been mad at her and thus YOU deserve the "silent treatment" for feeling that way.
Unless you made it VERY clear that you were unhappy with them having a chat, I really don't see WHAT you did wrong. I have been out to dinner with my husband/family and him running into co-workers/ acquaintances and chatting up a storm in conversation where I really wasn't included. And while I personally find it a little rude, I can accept that they have a chat and I will occupy myself. Just like you did.
Do what she is doing to you, once or twice. See HOW she handles it.
It's sounds rather immature, but sometime people don't really know how their actions affect their partner until they are in those same shoes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2018): She's obviously still very alert to being hurt or rejected so, each time you argue, she takes an 'automatic' route of 'getting there first' and temporarily rejecting you / putting you 'on hold' until her emotions die down a bit and she feels less threatened. If she has teenage children then it's likely she's been though some difficult experiences in the past that are still affecting her.As well as that - and speaking from experience with my own (now ex) partner - it could also be that she is remaining wary of you not just because of her own experiences but because your behaviours are not 'manly' enough for her to feel protected. She might not even be aware of this herself but just senses that she feels confused, vulnerable, afraid, over what feel like silly things to you, but which are triggering her fears. So, for example, if you were annoyed at this man and then turned away from both of them because you couldn't hear, this would suggest to me that it is a bit too passive to make her feel you are 100% reliable. I know this might sound really odd to you, but if this is an indication of the kind of 'easy going' behaviour that you have, it might actually be making things worse. Another man, for example, would not have hesitated to interrupt the intruding guy and say, 'sorry, I'm having a private conversation with my girlfriend, would you mind if we had some privacy for a while please?' or something like that. This would have made her feel a lot more like she is with a protective guy, rather than someone who is putting her on the spot / forcing her to be the one to either go along with the other man's interruption, or be the one to say to him "I'm talking with my boyfriend". It took me years and years to figure this out about my (now) ex. He was, on the surface, an 'easy going' guy but the problem was that he always put others first and I never once felt protected by him. It was always me having to lead things, or 'be he man' and I hated it. At the time, I could not articulate that at all. All I knew was that I would react to him about things like what you are writing about - usually to do with how he handled things or 'failed' to handle things and left me with no choice but to go along with things or look like the 'baddie' who would have to be more assertive.Your girlfriend may literally never have had a man protect her - I hadn't - so she might not even know that this is what she needs. IF - and only if - your handling of this guy in the bar is typical of your behaviour, I'd say it is rankling her over and over again, although she clearly loves you otherwise she wouldn't get so upset. My guess is she needs you to step up and be more manly, and is becoming tired of having to try to a. understand her feelings alone b. explain everything to you about why she gets upset, when she herself doesn't quite understand.Eight years also is a long time to be boyfriend and girlfriend for. Why haven't you proposed? Is this another example of your easy going, passive nature? My ex and I let things go on for 12 years, he didn't propose and inwardly I realise now I didn't want him to because I didn't feel protected or like he was manly enough, but I loved him and also didn't want to lose him. I simply couldn't make sense of it at the time, but can now.
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