A
female
age
36-40,
*onnie2423
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and I just recently found out that not only has he been cheating on me for years but the girl is now pregnant. The reason I found out was because a friend of the family told me. When I asked him about it he denied it and got very upset. I asked again the next day and he finally revealed to me the truth that the girl is pregnant. Heartbroken does not even describe how I feel. We were planning a future together. He works three different jobs so I never expected anything. His pregnant mistress knows nothing about me. Please tell me what I should do. He constantly calls and texts but I'm not ready to face him. I'm embarrassed because everyone knew about the other woman but me. Someone please help
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Why are YOU embarrassed? He’s the liar and the cheater. YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about as he pulled the wool over your eyes. You have been with him for eight years… so even if you are 25 that means you were a mere girl of 17 when he snared you.
You use this as a stepping stone to growth and maturity. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.
You do not want to face him. You should want to move forward. IT needs to be over for you… it will hurt for a while and you will sadly have massive trust issues because of him, but you will recover….
Eight years is a long time at your age, take lots of time to recover… consider some therapy to work through the feelings of anger, betrayal and disappointment.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 March 2013):
Honey, I know it must feel like your world is ending, but really, you're just leaving a very bad thing behind. Get rid of him the way a snake shrugs off dead skin.
As for starting over with someone else, I wouldn't jump from one guy to another. Best to stay single for a while, get your life back on track and surround yourself with good friends and loved ones. Count yourself lucky you haven't tied yourself down to this douchebag like this woman he impregnated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): He doesn't have a "pregnant mistress," because YOU, are, in fact, the mistress. Run for the hills. Dot waste your love on someone who doesn't love you.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 March 2013):
You need to be jumping for joy for how thankful you are because you have this knowledge about him BEFORE you ever married him.Thank your personal God you know and move on.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 March 2013):
the other people here have written fantastic advice, I just want to add that I was in a similar position 4 years ago, except that he had got her pregnant before we met and although he lied to me saying he never knew about the baby until it was 3 months old, he had known all along and so had everyone else. it was beyond headwrecking and I dumped him 3 months later. I advise you to get rid of him, someone of 25 with FOUR degrees... well you sound like a really intelligent hardworking person, and you deserve the best frankly. good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Wow, what a douche!
Not only did he cheat on your for years, he cheated on her too and to top it off, he KNOCKED her up. And he LIED about it to your face. What does that tell you? That he doesn't respect you at all. That he felt like he could sweep it under the carpet and keep YOU in the dark.
I would end it with him, no more wasting time on a guy who can't be faithful.
You are ONLY 25, do not settle for a guy like that.
I'm sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): All of the advice above is so so true as I am sure you realise. It must be dreadful for you but you WILL move on and life will get better for you and you WILL find a man to love again. Just as well you don't have a child by him as it might inherit his dreadful character. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 March 2013):
 the silver lining out of all of this, if there is one, is that at least you never got pregnant and got stuck with this guy permanently, also. or at least you didn't say that you two have any kids together, so i'm assuming you don't.
there's no bit of advice that you can get from anyone on here that will help mend your heart. the only thing that will and can do that is time. but trust, in time, you WILL be okay. it just may not seem like it right now.
i know somewhat of what you're going through. my ex was with me for years and carried on long-term relationships behind my back that i had no clue about. it blind-sided me. when i found out, i was beyond devistated, and it ruined my trust in others, as well. i still struggle to this day every time i get in new relationships, wondering if they will do the same thing to me.
it hurts. in a BIG way. and there's nothing anyone can say that will fix it or make it go away. the only thing you can do now is pick yourself up and move on. it'll take time, but it will get better, i promise. just stay strong. don't answer his calls or texts, don't talk to him if he tries to show up at your house. block him from your phone and on facebook, etc. just cold turkey. because there's no going back or second chances with this.
i'm so sorry this happened to you. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): My aunt's husband cheated on her for years and fathered 2 kids with his mistress. He basically had a second family with his mistress and would split time between his mistress and kids with her, and my aunt and their kids. They lived like this until he recently died at age 78. Both sets of kids fathered by him are now grown up but have no contact with each other though they do know of each other. Permanently messed up family.
You do NOT want to be like my aunt. She has lived her entire married life knowing about the mistress and that he had a second family. She chose to stay married to him, and she paid the heavy price for that decision. she has suffered depression as a result for the last 35 years. You don't want to end up like her.
End your relationship now. And never look back. Wanting to forgive a cheater is one thing (unwise though) but you cannot erase or deny the existence of his kid(s) and will always have that rubbed in your face if you stay. As much as it pains you now to see the future you had planned with him evaporate, it will be nothing compared to the real future that will happen if you stay.
Do not envy her that she and him will get together if you leave and be a happy family with their baby. Realize that he lied to her too and if she wants to have him, she will have to live with knowing he could be doing to her what he did to you but its worse because they have a kid together she doesn't get to just cut all ties and wash her hands clean of him.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Caring guy gives the advice. I def agree.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 March 2013):
End it with this guy, cut contact as soon as you can, and never even think of having anything to do with him again.
Then, really focus on your own life, take your time getting over him and remember that you can always do better.
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A
female
reader, Vonnie2423 +, writes (3 March 2013):
Vonnie2423 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your responses. Just to give you a little more information, we do not have kids but he talked about us having kids all the time. I recently talked to his mother and she informed me that she was under the impression that we broke up years ago. I feel so stupid. We were together daily even if it was just for an hour. I know I have a lot going for myself. I have four degrees and I just recently started working in my dream job. I'm 25 with no kids. But he was my life. I don't know how to start over with someone else
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Hand him his walking papers and don't look back! You dodged a bullet here.
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A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (3 March 2013):
 You need to end this with him. He's caused you pain, heartbrake, and embaressement. He's betrayed you, lied to you, and cheated you out of a future you two had together. The damage has been done, it can never be repaired. Do not let him suck you back in with his pathetic apologies and tears.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 March 2013):
 There's only one bit of help I can give you, and that's to end everything with this guy, especially if you haven't already had kids with this guy.
That's insurmountable, as he has to be a father to this new kid, meaning you are stuck being reminded over and over that he cheated on you.
You have nothing to be embarrassed for. Your boyfriend is a cheating dog. If anything, the people who knew should be embarrassed they didn't warn you, EXCEPT the one who finally did. Too many people avoid getting involved, especially because there's a unique "shoot the messenger" issue happening a lot of times where the person being told their partner cheated turns on the messenger, which can be traumatic depending on who it is.
Do not pine for this guy. Don't give him a chance. Don't get wishy-washy and start trying to make it work or whatever. Get rid of him, mourn the relationship, and move on.
Your relationship with this guy has gangrene. Best to amputate it, otherwise it's only masochism on your part to keep a cheater who fathered a child who will pay child support, permanently hamstringing your future.
But you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Absolutely nothing. I'm really sorry this happened, and I know it's devastating, but let yourself mourn, but move on. Look at the bright side...if you've been with this guy 8 years and found this out, I'm certain you'll look back on this and consider it a blessing in disguise.
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