A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband used my laptop and forgot to close the sight he was on, when I got home I turned on the computer to check on a recipe and there it was: My husband was making a date with a woman ( he gave her his cell phone #), I was furious. He said that he was just "messing" with them.He gave me the pass word and said that he didn't do anything. Well, I checked the trash and found that he had a bj from a guy. He denied it and we went to a therapist. After another week of denial, I confronted him again with a copy of the emails. He finally confessed and said it was just once and that he did not like it, that he was just curious. I still don't believe him and neither does the therapist. My husband denies that he is guy or bi. I have cried so much and can't sleep. He contends that he loves me and nothing will ever happen again. It is haunting me that there are other emails from men that sound like hook-up plans, but my husband said that he did not that he was not interested. He also claims that he never met any of the woman that he was chatting with.How can I trust him again. I do love him, but if he is gay then let me go. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 December 2014):
You've got lots of good advice, but I want to add that if you forgive him he will need a lot of therapy before you should trust him. Not therapy to rid him of his bisexuality, but his sexual addiction. He doesn't seem to be able to be faithful.
Also, both of you should get std tests.
Take things very,very slow when (if) you decide to reconcile.
A
female
reader, SarahJones  +, writes (12 December 2014):
Hi I think you need to take some time for yourself to think about what you really want. I know how hard this situation can be and what's going through your head."How can I trust him?"I love him and don't want to lose him" I don't want to be on my own, without him"I have put too much of myself and my life to just throw it away now"What you really need to think about is can you build that trust back up? Big question right I know, but, maybe you should talk to him with your therapist and agree what's in the past can stay there. Begin again but he has to go through 12 months of being an open book. If you want to check his phone or computer you can. After that the trust should be built up enough to let him have his little bit of privacy back. If you still don't trust him and can not live with the feeling of not fully trusting your spouse leave.You just have to ask yourself what are you happy with doing, some people have an open relationships and are 100% happy together. Just remember you have to do what your ok with and what feels right for you.Good Luck and I hope this will help.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2014):
 So the breaking point is that he might be gay or bisexual NOT that he's making dates with other women....
ok. IF you are going to stay with him (and you will probably never trust him again) as long as he's not gay then I can say that MANY men will think of getting a blow job as not being gay or on the down low... as one man once said to me... "a mouth is a mouth"
and he probably was curious. IF his homosexual blow job was a one shot deal then I'd go with the "bicurious" and now not interested. I know of folks who have tried it and not liked it. (both men and women) does not make them bi or gay if it was a one time testing it out kind of thing in my opinion.
FWIW I am bisexual but I am married to a man and we choose not to share with others so just like I don't see other men I don't see women either. Fidelity still applies for bisexuals and it's a choice of the couple to determine if they want to allow other same sex partners in their relationship. Cheating is cheating... same sex or not.
Now as for trust.... IF you want to stay with him and rebuild trust it will take a long time and he will have to be
a. 100% transparent for at least 6-12 months
b. not mess up at all ever again
I've been there done that. I caught my last husband emotionally cheating (we were swingers and he had permission to be physical with others) and I did not trust him. We got to 9 months without an issue and I was starting to think I could trust him again. Then BOOM... something TINY that was a BIT off happened and I realized that I would NEVER trust him again.
with good reason. he was back to emotionally cheating.
will you ever trust him again? maybe but he has to be 100% trustworthy and open about it.... do you think he will do that?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 December 2014):
 Consider to change your focus FROM your hubby's sexual proclivities TO "the fact" that he is seeking to be unfaithful to you....
Use THAT as your basis to decide how (or, IF) to proceed any further, in life, with this man...
Good luck.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): You need to talk to him and hope that he will tell you the truth. He could be bi or gay and maybe he has concealed it or repressed it for years. I don't understand why people think it's ok to lie about something major like this in a relationship. It causes devastation and harm to your partner and most likely destruction of the relationship. Either way he has cheated on you. It's up to you to decide what you need to do, for some it will be divorce, for others counseling and trying to salvage your marriage. If he is gay I wouldn't try to salvage things you need to let him go and try to recover from this. I feel cheating with a man(more likely to have unprotected sex with higher risk partners) is worse because of the above mentioned and because you will be more likely at risk for std transmission. Your husband sought and had casual sex hook ups with random strangers who have multiple hook ups and I'm guessing it was unprotected. So if you've had sex with your husband since then you now need to be tested for all stds- hiv needs to be tested twice with 3-6 months apart. For hiv you can now take a cocktail which will kill the virus within 72 hours of exposure so if his encounter was recent this is something to consider also.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2014):
 If I HAVE to put a label on it, I'd say your husband is bi-curious. Properly been for most of his life but always stuck to the "norm" which is straight, think that he could get away with "trying" it on and with no consideration to you, he had a sexual encounter with a man. One encounter DOESN'T make him gay. What it DOES make him is a cheat.
So like Jmtmj said, for a minute don't make it about the gender - but the fact that he cheated and hid it from you.
If you two are in couples therapy, talk about how to rebuild trust.
And accept that this wasn't about YOU not being good enough or this or that enough, this was about your husband lacking respect for your marriage.
You don't hand out your phone# to just "mess" with people. So I would say, rebuilding trust is going to be impossible if 1. he won't own up to WHY he did it (the truth) 2. Why he thought those actions were OK in a marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): I am a male in my late 40s.
If you value the marriage you have, don't be so harsh on your hubby. One BJ does not make your husband gay. It makes your husband curious. I can tell you (for myself, and certainly a large proportion of males out there) that interests in sex get kinkier as we get older. His denials were probably a form of shame, or hiding what he knew you would be unhappy with. You have reinforced his beliefs. Please give him a break. Do you really think at his age he wants to divorce you and run off with another man? I mean, it happens, but really, put your situation in context..
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (12 December 2014):
 Depends on your classification of sexuality really, i believe its on a spectrum- but i think bi-curious is a term used for ppl who dont act on it and if they do then they can be considered bi.
nevertheless, the trust issue is the biggest issue here. Forget the sexuality thing for a sec, could you trust him again if it was a woman?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): I am sorry you are going through this. Trust your instincts. He has cheated on you gay or straight. He is either gay, bi, or curious. If this is not a situation you can or want to live with you have grounds for divorce. Please protect yourself financially and get legal advice. I doubt very much you would ever trust him again. Don't have a physical relationship with him. If your therapist agrees with you take that seriously as they will be experienced and have seen this before. Now is not a time to pull wool over your own eyes.
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