A
female
age
36-40,
*arusso
writes:I was dating this guy for 1,5 years. I'm foreign and graduating, therefore don't have permission to stay in the US. He asked me to marry him a couple of times but didnt really do anything about it. So there is one month left and I asked him if he wanted to do this. He said "I don't know. I 'm not ready yet..etc." But he would still cry his eyes out and try to solve it and then again nothing until i talk to him about it again. So one day I said let's just separate for a little bit and you can actually see if you want it or not. At least let's sleep in our own places. He cried again when he was leaving he said he would talk to his first 2 days he called me to do stuff with his friends. I said I couldnt because I was upset and I also packed all his stuff and put it in a pile. One night I texted him I won't be back at my place and said" can you get our cat(rocky) i won't be home tonight. I love you." He answered back " I will. Love you too"But the next morning I didn't go to my apartment even though we arranged to hang out the two of us. i was really upset and couldn't face him. So he left and took his stuff and the cat. After that no news..I called him no answer, I texted no answer. The day after I again called him, no answer. Finally texted and said "If you don't want to talk to me at least tell me." He came over said he was sorry and didnt know he hurt me so much. He took everything and he said he was fine being single since we were apart and he realized that he's not in love with me. He doesnt answer my calls. He actually rejects them! But I talked to him finally and he said the same thing again. He wishes he felt differently but he doesnt.Now this seems ok but its not. His friends would talk to me on the phone and say how they are almost tired of listening to me all the time and that's definitely love. His friends I didnt meet message me and ask me "when do i get to meet the girl my friend adores so?" Everybody thought he loved me so much. I went to see my cat he wasnt there but a friend of his said he's being very quite lately. He's definitely cold with me. I can almost feel that he doesnt love me. But I also think that maybe I was really mean to him. By not coming home, not hanging out with him and promising to stop by and never calling back. I think I brought this upon myself maybe?? Tell me what you think. And what to do?Also we were both in grad school. I was a master's he was a PhD. But his prof didn't want him so he had to quit PhD. And My prof. wanted to to continue with my PhD. He kinda took personally into that too. Also He was supposed to finish his master's this semester but he couldn't because his research credits did not count! I know he was a little bitter about all these too.
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (26 November 2009):
 Yes, it is a little bit wierd coming so out of the blue. But I think it is just that he has fond memories of you and still cares. Not cares as in wants you back, but cares as in you were an important person in his life and you did not break up because you hated each other or anything. He still cares about you and wishes you the best! Are you still in the US then?
A
female
reader, larusso +, writes (6 November 2009):
larusso is verified as being by the original poster of the question This is kind of funny. I just wanted to get back here and put a response. lol. It's been about a year maybe. If you are curious I'm much better now. I am actually doing my PhD. And I have an adoring boyfriend. But out of the blue my ex-boyfriend, the guy I mentioned, messaged me and said "I miss you. I think about you a lot. I 'm glad you are happy with your new boyfriend"?? Weird?
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (25 November 2008):
Thanks for the update. I hope you move on now yourself and good luck when you move back to your own country.
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A
female
reader, larusso +, writes (23 November 2008):
larusso is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell a friend of mine saw him out last night. He was with his friends and he was fine. My friend Jim was just gonna say "Hi" and leave. But he came over to Jim and started talking to him. Trying to make Jim to talk to girls and I guess he was drunk. Buuutt he didn't say anything else about me or he didn't ask about me or anything. I guess he totally moved on .I just wanted to give an update if you are interested.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (20 November 2008):
It is a little hard to gauge the answer here. It does seem to be conflicting information. I can understand why you are confused! But I will say this and you can determine if it seems pertinant. He may have been asking you to marry him, but not doing anything about it because while he was happy with you and wanted to continue the relationship he really wasnt ready to marry you. If you were staying in country then everything could continue as it is. But the fact that you are leaving forces him to act before he is ready. One of two things WILL happen. Either you leave OR you get married. There is no in between. He doesnt really want you to leave, so he asks you to marry him. He doesnt really want to marry (he really just wants to continue as is)so he doesnt follow through.
There is also an element of fear of change. Stasis is safe, it is easy, it is familiar. Leaving or marrying are both big changes to the status quo. He may be afraid of making the decision. Which one is right? Since you called for the separation it gave him a test of what it would be like if you left for your country. He found that it wasnt as hard as he thought, that he could live with out you and be just fine. So, rather than get back together for a short time and then break up in a month, he figures just leave it as is.
I am sorry. But my feeling is that he has moved on in his heart and the marriage proposals were just a reaction to your leaving, not due to a real desire to marry. I could very well be wrong though.
Good luck!
~dee
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): Maybe he thinks, because you've been blowing him off so much, that you don't really love him and you're fine with leaving the country. And now he's distancing himself from you so it won't hurt so much when you do leave.
My advice: Stop being so flaky. If you love him and want to be with him, declare it! And don't turn it into an argument, or say things to make him feel guilty, now is not the time. And for the love of God, show up when you say you're going to, and call him back! Good luck!
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