A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have very different sexual backgrounds: he has had many partners but I have never had sex with any of the people I have dated. I'm 23 and I have always wanted to have sex with "the one" aka the person who loves me to death and I love him back, someone who respects me, etc. I highly value the fact that I have remained true to myself and my values up to this age. Any guy who found out that I was a virgin admired it and I really liked the appreciation. My boyfriend, however, told me that he would've loved me the same way even if I weren't a virgin (he told me that he knew that I was an "angel" before dating me but even if weren't a virgin he wouldn't have cared because he loves me for who I am). I was shocked at his response because even though it meant that he would never judge a girl he loves, I still wanted that admiration! I feel like he doesn't appreciate my virginity! All the girls he has been with either cheated on him or they were girls who slept around. He said the only time he had sex with a virgin she didn't even tell him! He had cried afterwards and got really upset but the girl was happy. You see, I feel like he has seen so many girls not caring about their reputation, sleeping around, and their virginity that he doesn't understand why I still don't want to have intercourse (we have had oral, basically anything but intercourse since I wasn't ready and wanted my first time to be special). When I told him that I wanted it to be special he didn't get what I meant! Then he said we will have intercourse whenever you feel ready but he also said that he likes everything to be natural (cause if we stage everything then it won't be natural and he's a strong believe in romantic moments that happen spontaneously). But again, he left it to me; he wants me to decide what I want. I have been passively mad about his lack of appreciation for my virginity so I have been robbing it on his face like "Sorry but this is a respectful girl you're dealing with not one of those sluts". My last jab was today when I asked him if he had been tested for STD's before we had oral and everything and he said no. He just moved to the US and where he went to high school they don't teach sex education. To be honest with you, I had to tell him what STD stands for!!! I yelled at him and he said that we haven't even had intercourse. I said, our genitals touched and we had oral! He said he would've have let me do it if he know you could get STD from oral. Now, my problem is not the STD, my problem is that he should've been extra careful when touching someone like me, who has never been touched! I feel like I need to remind him AGAIN that I'm way too precious and not like anyone he has ever had sex with. The truth is, he doesn't even call me his GF, he says that he doesn't dare to call me a GF, he has told everyone that he's engaged. He even gave me a promise ring! He respects me and loves me to death. He has gone above and beyond for me. My only problem is that I never got the appreciation that I wanted for my virginity from him! I don't know if that's because he has absolutely no double standards and accepts everyone the way they are or if he doesn't think that waiting for the love of your life to give up your virginity to is not that big of a deal! What should I do?
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (2 February 2015):
 I'll be straight with you, even though you won't like the answer.... The reason we believe it will change you is not so much because you're a virgin, but because you place so much on "losing" it to "the one. Nothing is guaranteed in life except death. You may find who you know at the time is "the one", love together, get married, have sex, have a child - then divorce 5 years later. You can never truly know who "the one" is until you're on your last breaths and know in your heart that you were with the person who made you the happiest (and vice versa). Many end up with their "the one" and can tell you after 10, 20, 30 years of marriage that they are the person they will spend the rest of their life with, and they are usually right after that amount of time as a couple, but there's no guarantee.The point is really: how are you going to feel if you have sex with "the one" and a couple of years down the line, you aren't compatible any more?The aim of that question isn't to encourage celibacy, but to let you know that focusing on your first time being with the romantasised, fantasy "the one" - rather than a long-term relationship with someone you have loved and trusted for that time - you're setting yourself up for "failure", if it doesn't last for the rest of your life.Also, by you wanting him to put your virginity on a pedestal for you having "valued and respected my body and controlled myself when I was in need of sex and saved myself for someone who loves me and I love him back", you're asking him to believe that anyone who has "slept around", in your eyes, hasn't valued, respected or controlled themselves and didn't wait each time until there was a mutual love connection between them and whoever they had sex with. Who's to say they didn't have sex for the first time with someone who they thought was "the one"? Or that they haven't felt that way about each person they've been with? I'm 90% sure that, like most people, you'll find at least two people in your lifetime (maybe including this boyfriend), who you genuinely feel are "the one" for you. It's subjective, which is why you need to be a bit more realistic.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2015): THIS IS THE ORIGINAL POSTER To the anonymous uncle who mentioned the "movie date" analogy: I don't think you could've made a better analogy! This is EXACTLY how I feel! I don't brag about my hymen but I am really proud of the fact that I have valued and respected my body and controlled myself when I was in need of sex and saved myself for someone who loves me and I love him back. No, I had not had/given oral before either. P.s I am NOT religious at all either. I feel like almost everyone thinks that my virginity is part of my identity because of its physical aspect but NO! That's not true! My virginity is a part of me because it shows that I have respected myself and that I have remained true to my dignity of not sleeping around nor having sex with someone who is not "the one". I am grateful for the fact that my BF loves me for who I am and not bc of the physical aspect of the piece of hymen between my legs but I want him to also appreciate that this piece of hymen is there because of ME and MY dignity and MY decisions. Once I lose it, it won't affect my character either, in fact, it goes along with my morals since I lost it to "the one". I hope now everyone understands why I made a post about this. Thank you guys
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (29 January 2015):
 Male anon, and I do like and appreciate your words and metaphor. Yes I can understand that it would hurt her feelings. My issue comes in with her choice verbiage and the way she looks down on others, calling his exes names and getting angry with him. Also her boyfriend has told her he loves her regardless, which is not so rude as "who cares." It's better that he does not have the attitude of "popping a cherry" and I have known guys to discuss taking virginity as a victory and a hobby. So I think he should be appreciated, and yes you are right : she should be appreciated as well. Maybe if they could both step back and recognize the good in each other regarding this, they will be able to move past it. Thank you for making me think more objectively.
~Sy
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2015): I don't think it's "judgmental" to see value in giving a gift like virginity. I have read all the viewpoints about how evil the whole concept of virginity is. But let's get over it, both the big love for virginity and the big hate for it. If your partner had never been to a movie before, because they wanted their first "movie date" to be with someone special, then wouldn't you feel happy they want to share that experience with you? A movie date doesn't have to be that big of a deal but they are making it something extra FOR THEM with their never doing it in the past. You should feel honored that they chose you to be the person they first do it with. Yes it does mean something more this time. Can't we just look at virginity like this, and be understanding to everyone about it? And what if you saved your first movie date for someone special, but when you told them you had chosen them, they said, "Whatever. Movie dates don't mean anything. Hurry up, let's go." That would hurt your feelings. It would make you rethink your choice. Maybe the experience isn't special FOR THEM. But if they cannot even be bothered to realize how special this is FOR YOU . .
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 January 2015):
I think all of the answers given are on the same train of thought. Do you know the difference between Patience and Waiting?
The main difference between the two is the attitude. There is nothing admirable about a woman that brags about sleeping with hundreds of men or a woman that brags about sleeping with none.
I do understand your point of view (and I am sure your boyfriend does) but your attitude is not leaving room for communication which isn't the healthiest thing for a relationship. You can take as much jabs as you want but I cant imagine anything good happening from it, because the only one who will be hurt by it, is yourself.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (28 January 2015):
I believe the reason is that he is less judgmental than you. You seem by your writing that you put yourself higher than those who did not make the decision you did. But you did it for yourself, for your health and your feelings, right? Or did you do it for attention, because your wish was to be admired and seen as morally superior and put on a pedestal?
By speaking to your boyfriend as if he should honor and treasure you because you're a virgin, you basically say he does not deserve to be honored and treasured. I am sure you are a lovely person, but you should do some reflecting on WHY you chose to be a virgin. And stop comparing yourself to his exes, it is unbecoming and I'm sure he sees that.
But he loves you regardless and he has given you all of his loyalty and love and appreciation for your soul. Is that not enough for you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): I just cant decide how to answer this question, I'm not even sure what the problem is? I was a virgin until 21, by choice. I didn't judge people that weren't. I didn't think I was precious. Casual sex just wasn't me and I was lucky enough to find my 'one' straight away.
Also I'd just like to double check, is he the firstperson you have had oral with?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2015):
 You DO know that the "term" VIRGINITY is a SOCIAL CONSTRUCT that came with organized religion?
The REASON (female) virgins were "treasured" and "valued" was because women were a commodity. They were first their FATHER'S property and then their HUSBAND'S property. Women were "bought and sold". Some MEN still "treasure" this IDEAL because they live in the dark ages MENTALLY.
Marrying a virgin was VITAL for men of RANK, men who owned land, because the chance of THEIR offspring being the HUSBAND'S was much higher, and since their offspring would INHERIT the land (if male) or get a dowry (if female) if was IMPORTANT to the MAN that it was HIS bloodline that inherited.
Husband's OWNED their wife. They OWNED the wife's sexuality. A marriage wasn't VALID til the HUSBAND consummated it.
Have you ever read "The Scarlet letter"? by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Poor Hester was basically PUNISHED for having "passions" without a MAN owning it. (aka without being married). Or Tess of the D'Ubervilles by Thomas Hardy? a take on the subject of double standards applied to male and female sexual behavior. It's a SAD and upsetting book but it carries a STATEMENT of how value was/is placed on "virginity" more than decency. How a woman who is RAPED suffers a LOSS in standing, in life in general, because SHE is no longer a virgin and thus, no longer of value as a commodity or even as a person.
You BF doesn't BELIEVE in this social construct.
HE doesn't think your virginity is some golden prize. HE sees YOU AS a WHOLE package, he sees YOU as the prize.
He shouldn't be MORE careful about STD's with you, then with ANY OTHER girl. HE should be CAREFUL WITH every SINGLE girl he dates and sleep with.
This guy WENT ABOVE and BEYOND to prove to you that you weren't just a "v-card" to him. Another notch in the bedpost - YAY snagged a virgin!" - the GUYS out there who are MORE INTERESTED in your "virginity" than YOU, are the ones who would have sex with you and walk away, because they "popped" your cherry. Oh but, they would appreciate being "first" but not much else.
Now with all that said, I think it's a GOOD choice to WAIT with sex til you fall absolutely MADLY in love with someone and WANT that someone to BE your first. Because you will ALWAYS remember your first.
BUT it doesn't MAKE you better then your BF, because YOU waited and he didn't. Doesn't MAKE you better then the girls you term "sluts" because you waited and they didn't. THEY just have a different VIEW on sex and their own sexuality then YOU do. What is DOES make you, is LUCKY to to have found someone you WANT to share and WON'T regret having shared the first time with. TOO many girls (and boys) have sex with people they didn't REALLY want to have sex with as their first.
YOU should be proud OF yourself to have waited for THAT one guy you REALLY REALLY want to do the deed with. But you should also know there is SO much MORE to you then being a virgin or not being a virgin. And there is SO much more to your BF than being a virgin or not.
As for STD testing, yea that WOULD be smart of you to ask him for, but you did it as a JAB because he didn't think being a virgin was a big deal. You tried to make him FEEL "dirty" because he CHOOSE to have sex before.
A BOY doesn't OWE you something for your "virginity" there is no "gold star sticker" for you, you get no halo. What he DOES owe you is wanting SEX with you ON your terms, with protection, and being CAREFUL and MINDFUL that you are totally inexperienced.
If you want a guy to put you on a pedestal for being a Virgin, STAY a virgin. If you want a guy to love YOU and the ground you walk on, you already got that in your BF. Not only is he considerate, he is also open minded, kind, committed and caring.
You aren't GIVING him anything by being a virgin. YOU are SHARING your FIRST time with him. THAT is it. He can't "take" your virginity, he can SHARE your FIRST sexual experience.
I think YOU are putting WAY to much value on this. Like others mentioned what happens after you done the deed? Are you no longer to be loved and cherished? Because you are no longer a virgin?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): Your virginity is your pride (although why it is something to be proud of and appreciated is beyond me, we are all born with hearts but nobody gets appreciation for having that lump of cells). You value your virginity. Great. Pat yourself on the back. Fortunately he doesn't value you for an orifice that happens to be between your legs. He appreciates your whole person and personality.I do fear that if you keep rubbing your pride and joy in his face he will start feeling like it is a cross to bear. He will feel like he has to pay hommage and forever be grateful . It will become a sore point more than anything else.With this attitude, the person who does happen to 'take' your virginity will be in for an earful of 'how lucky they are' to be with you. And I can tell you this, no relationship with that kind of bragging and (no offense) self righteousness will go very far. You might then find yourself in that 'unfortunate' position of being the slut who slept with someone who they thought was the one but turned out not to be.A word from the wise; sometimes subtlety is more elegant. If you are graceful about sharing this new experience with him you will be closer as a result. If you keep carrying on like he owes a penance for your choices then I wish thee much luck oh fair maiden.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2015):
 You've gotta be really careful with your attitude, because you put him down because he isn't a virgin. You not sleeping with others doesn't make you better or worse than those who have, and calling them "sluts" simply because they are sexually active is not good at all. You're calling your boyfriend a "slut" for choices you should honestly respect as much as he respects yours.
You're also far from innocent. The idea of virginity being valuable isn't some "shrink wrap" called a hymen. It has to do with innocence -- you never having given yourself to another man. You may technically be a virgin for not having had intercourse, but you're no more innocent than he is. Oral, genital touching (which if he slightly penetrated you, or "just the tip", you're NOT a virgin anymore), all of that...makes you sexually active. And you made the choice to be so before asking for an STI test. Quite frankly, if you've done these things with other guys, you need to test as well.
There are guys who choose NOT to date virgins because like it or not, virgins have their own stigma. I don't agree with it, but many guys avoid them because of the belief that a virgin who loses it to a guy becomes obsessively clingy to this guy.
Not only that, but if you're putting THIS much of your identity in your virginity, what's going to happen when you DO lose it?? A lot of conservative/religious people who stay virgins until marriage report extreme depression because they put so much of their identity into their virginity. They wait to get married, lose it on their wedding night, and then fall to pieces slowly or quickly.
You are emotionally bludgeoning a good guy. A keeper. For you to be doing that over and over because you're jealous that he didn't "follow the rules" and doesn't admire you for doing so is unhealthy to your relationship, and will destroy it. You're either compatible or incompatible sexually. You'll be giving him a gift for sure, but you aren't giving him any innocence. What will happen later, will you throw it in his face that you lost your virginity to him??
You need to do some soul searching before you torch a really good thing by being jealous of his past girlfriends.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (27 January 2015):
Your virginity is special because you are only a virgin once, but you seem to be more focused on being admired for your virginity, than to have a guy who would love you regardless. Virginity is "less admirable" when you're calling other girls "sluts" for sleeping around, yet you're partaking in oral without STD checks! You can't judge others when you're not as "pure" as you seem to think your "vaginal virginity" makes you. What you've done (or not done) is right for you, just like those girls did what's right for them, but you seem to be partially doing it to be told "well done for not having sex by age 23". I think that the only "real" admirable quality about your virginity is the decision to wait until you find someone special, which is smart, but it doesn't make you any better than girls who don't wait as long or who don't mind who it's with - maybe a little wiser, but not better.I think you need to realise that having a man who loves you is more important than whether you're a virgin or not.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (27 January 2015):
I fully agree with the others, you need to get over this notion that you are some precious little diamond just because you're a virgin.
It really sounds like you see yourself as soooo morally superior to those "sluts" that actually had sex with your boyfriend. Why? They have different sexual preferences than you, that doesn't make it better.
Let me tell you something about first times. They tend to be awkward, uncomfortable and can be painful. Sex, frankly in my opinion, became much better and more fun after I had a few experiences under my belt. You're possibly setting yourself up for major disappointment by imagining your first time as some heavenly experience complete with a chorus of angels singing.
And how can you be upset with him for saying he'd love you either way? That's just weird.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 This really is a weird question, I've come back to it several times and it doesn't get any easier to understand where you are coming from.
Your virginity is not some golden prize or trophy ....... to be placed on a pedestal and admired by all and sundry. Being a virgin at 23 doesn't make you better (or worse) than other girls, it simply means that you have not had penetrative sex yet, even though if you are indulging in oral you would certainly know your way around the subject.
Wanting your first time to be special ...... just what do you mean by that? A fourposter lace draped bed, sprinkled with rose petals with muted lighting coming from 100 lit candles reflecting in the overhead mirror?
Having sex with somebody you love so much you just can't hold back is special, the act itself is special, the surroundings and situation are simply window dressing.
You need to let go of the idea that you are too precious to be touched (especially if you are having oral, because that just makes you a hypocrite, I don't think any guy with an ounce of nous will stick around for too long, who needs that sort of attitude.
Your young man sounds lovely, somebody who loves you as you are, be careful your demands to be treated as something other than human, ie a precious object because you are still a virgin, dont wear thin and turn him away.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Here, read this article, I found it to be quite enlightening, and it might be an eye opener to you.
http://www.xojane.com/sex/true-love-waits-pledge
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 January 2015):
Haha, what an odd question. No really, it is very odd! You are upset because he doesn't admire your virginity, but LOVES you instead?
You need to ask yourself why this matters so much to you, because to me it sounds like you've places waaaay to much meaning on your virginity. Almost, no actually, completely, like you would LOSE YOURSELF if you lost your virginity. Like him not admiring your virginity means he doesn't admire YOU.
Are you your virginity??? Is it who you are? Is your virginity a part of you and the biggest part of you? What happens when you lose it, do you also lose yourself? Who are you without your virginity?
Apparently, HE loves the person you are WITHOUT your virginity. But I wonder if you even know yourself, who you are, without the virginity. He has a healthy and normal outlook on life and on humans. A virginity is not something to be loved and admired, a PERSON is someone to be loved and admired.
Do you love yourself, or do you love your virginity?
He should have been extra careful with you because you've never been touched? No, sorry, but that's not true. You are not more special or more important than other women just because you're a virgin. Sorry to rob you of that belief, but you are not in a position to demand extra "carefulness" just because you've not had intercourse yet. You've been touched, you've had oral and all sorts of other things, you're hardly inexperienced, and you know very well what STI's are, as you said yourself, so that responsibility lies on YOURSELF.
Get tested, he gets tested, and that's all there is to it.
You have a man who, as you said yourself, accepts everyone for who they are with no double standards. That's a GOOD thing. Yes, it means that he will not hold your virginity as particularly significant, not more than he'd hold sexual experience in high regards. But this is a good thing, because you need to get your feet on the ground and learn how to live amongst humans again, instead of on some fairy tale cloud of imagination where your virginity is your super power.
Your virginity means something to you, and ONLY to you. But this is the way it SHOULD be. Your virginity is NOT something to be admired by others, but something you should be proud of yourself, if you felt it was the right thing for you to keep. If you wanted to wait with having sex, then you did the right thing for you. But do not begin demanding to be treated more special than other women, or dare call other women sluts or other bad names, just because they did not want to wait with having sex.
You waiting with sex means something to you, and only you, remind yourself of that. And remind yourself that a man needs to love you for you, such as your boyfriend does. Those men who "admired your virginity", what did that say about them? It said that they didn't care about YOU, but probably just wanted to be able to brag about being your first. Or treat you like an object, "the virgin", rather than the human that you are.
You need to ask yourself who you are, really. Are you a virgin, or are you a person? Who/what do you want your boyfriend to love and admire? You? Or the virginity?
And what happens post-sex? Do you lose who you are? Are you no longer worthy of admiration, love or respect? These are things you need to think about. Because it sounds to me like you have objectified yourself, and added only one meaning to your own life, which is your virginity, rather than appreciating all that you are, and love yourself for all that you are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): He cares more about you than your virginity... shouldn't that be a good thing?! The other guys seem like they held your virginity higher just because they wanted to take it whereas he's more concerned about your wellbeing and it being right for you not for him. He sounds great, though if you continue with oyur jabs I think he will leave soon.
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