A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay so please don’t judge.. the question is somewhat selfish and I get it. I was in a 9 yrs LTR and recently broke it off. I was engaged to my ex and It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. I am still struggling to get on the right path but it was a RIGHT decision and that I Know. The last few months of my relationship I cheated. The person I cheated with shared the same miserable feelings about the relationship he’s in. We were both stuck and we found an escape in each other. However I am not stuck anymore and he still is. After I moved on I saw him few more times and not a lot has changed.. Or so I thought. From the very beginning we have had an amazing connection and we still do. However, NOW I am very conscious of his relationship. Emotionally and physically we completely intervolve and it’s explosive. It has been like that from the beginning so it’s hard not to indulge.. I do like him but NOW I feel guilty for HIM being with me and ME allowing it. He is the one always saying we are once in a lifetime connection and I don't see him breaking it off with me. He has always been a little more intense.At first I thought - I did the responsible act and left my ex so why not enjoy. To be clear- I never expected of him to do the same and didn’t leave my ex for him. I will not ask him to leave his wife and his life. If it happens it has to be HIS decision and it's not something I am waiting for.The problem is I felt like this before but still did nothing about it. After my break up it was great seeing him and having the support. (Left ex 2.5 months ago; what used to be affair 5 months)Do I continue for a little while longer or just end it now? And why NOW do I feel so bad after seeing him? Thank you for your advice, I truly appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your support and kick in the butt. I do need it. I think the way I feel right now is because the reality is setting in. NOW I am conscious of what I’m doing. Past few months were nothing but an emotional roller-coaster and I did a lot of reacting. It took me a while WiseOwlE to leave my ex and even before I left I was grieving my relationship and friendship with him. I still do and often wonder when it will get better. I feel that I almost lost a part of my identity by leaving him and even though I know it’s for the better it is scary at times. Cheating on him made the situation even worse. He found out and I became fully responsible for ruining our relationship. I am not sorry that I left but the guilt of cheating will take a long time to dissipate. That he did not deserve and for THAT I am FULLY responsible.The current guy and I have an amazing sex together and to be honest that’s why I got into it. For me the physical connection outweighed the emotional, every time. As I NOW realize what we’re doing, (“trance” ended already), I see him/us in a different light and am trying to form a rational conclusion – which in this case seems clear.Thanks again! Much love and my best to all of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): You end it because what you're doing is wrong on all counts. And then you try to figure out why you did this to your fiance and to yourself.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (12 December 2014):
 Anything you guys do should be relative to your relationship status. Youre free and single now, (congrats if its for the best by the way)... but continue with this guy while hes attached and he has no reason to leave. Then it becomes a "having the cake and eating it too" situation..
If he is feeling trapped as you were then he wont mind you not getting with him til hes made the same leap of faith as you have. stay strong and he'll show his true colours. Or make the same jump
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): You broke up with someone, and you're using the other guy as a painkiller.
Breaking-up, as you said, was one of the hardest things you ever had to do.
However; I know what you're doing. You're avoiding dealing with the inevitable feelings of loss, grief, and you want to avoid feeling the emotional agony associated with a breakup. You've found yourself someone to help you feel numb about the other guy you left. Or, So you think.
The guy is taking advantage of your rebound feelings. Sorry, but for him, it's strictly physical. No matter what he says.
He's still with her. In spite of his so-called "miserable feelings about the relationship he’s in." Cheat, and just enjoy it for the sake of the sex. Don't delude yourself into thinking that player feels anything above the waist.
The placebo-effect will soon wear-off, and you will feel the real pain of your breakup.
You have to allow your mind and heart to deal with it; so you can move on and get-over your ex. It's going to sneak up on you. You're just on the rebound and you'll wake-up out of your trance. End the affair until he is single and you're both on equal-footing. He's feeding on your vulnerability right now.
You're running from your feelings.
Deal with the emotions from your breakup, young lady! Don't try to add any validity to that affair.
He'll go back to his "miserable" relationship; leaving you to deal with your grief from the breakup, and to deal with being rejected after being played. You're trying to transfer your feelings. Sorry, the human brain doesn't work that way. You really should end it.
It's necessary for healing and detachment from your ex; before you can actually venture into another relationship.
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