A
male
age
36-40,
*oul83
writes:My gf was initially driven by lust by mentioned that she wanted to settle down with me for certain in the early stages of the relationship. I was glad that she was so 'in love' but a few months later (and a lot more water under the bridge) and things have settled down and changed significantly.A common theme for her is trying to test me out by occasionally mentioning that she wants other guys. Take last night as another example, I mentioned us marrying before we go back to Australia and she immediately laughed it off (fair enough) and said it was better if she came back as my gf so that we could avoid a divorce. Why? Because she reckons that once she gets into Australia, she'll find a better man. She's always saying crap like that. Trying to make out she's looking for greener pastures.Again this morning, she mentioned that there will be other men in her life. I try to keep my cool because I know from past experiences when she's come up to me and apologised for being such a ***** with her comments. But still she keeps doing it. I try to act confident and secure (which she claims is what she wants to see in me which is why she says what she does). But it still plays on my mind and makes me feel like I'm wasting my time in the realtionship. What does it take to get us both giving 100% to the relationship?I have bad dreams sometimes about falling, failing, and her cheating. Sometimes can't sleep so well because this stuff plays on my mind.Last night we were talking about the previous night and I happened to mention in a round about way how I felt deep passion and she just laughed it off and said I was a dreamer - that she could only recall the physical feelings. It's complicated to try and understand what's going through her mind.In other ways she shows that she is very happy for us to be together and is always showing her love. In fact, she has her mother coming to stay with us to help cook food while we are working. So there's MANY things she's doing that indicate a seriousness to commitment but there's many things she says that kind of point in another direction...I should add that my thinking is for us to work on trying to create something for the long term. We've been living together for nearly 6 months now (and knew each other for 8 months long via long distance) so I know it's still VERY EARLY to talk too much about seriousness. Yet I can't help but think forward to trying to create a life together. After all, bringing her back to Australia and sponsoring her is a big move and something that I would only consider once we are sure that we want to be together for the long term - i.e. thinking about marriage commitment. But I know neither of us are ready for that! She talks about it sometimes but I feel like we need at least another couple of years to save here in China before going back and that will give us time to decide if we are really suited to settling down together. There just hasn't been enough time and I see some signs that we are settling into a 'routine phase' now. Though as last night showed, we need to spend more time doing active/fun things! I was getting a bit romantic and thinking quiet nights together watching movies, dinner, casual/relaxed dates. But I think we need something very different, fun and exciting where we can act like young teenagers!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Once a girl loses respect for a man, as yours has for you, it is very very hard to get it back.
You keep on posting here and the answer is the same: you are starving yourself in the middle of the land of plenty. China is just choc-a-bloc full of the nicest girls you could ever hope for, beautiful, feminine, clever and generally speaking pretty much "up for it". You seem to have landed on one who just isn't that nice. You need to let her go and head out and find another one.
A
female
reader, rambini  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 she is playing games with you, not very nice games either. to be honest, any girl who gets a kick out of playing silly mind games like this is not a long term prospect. you say you try to act secure, but it is bound to eat away at you, and eventually you wil end up resenting her.
she needs to learn that they way to build confidence and security is to have love and trust and compliments, not tests and threats designed to make you jealous.
my honest advice would be next time she talks about getting a new guy, say to her "well off you go then".
she is wasting your time and playing immature games, she is not a long term prospect. im really sorry you are being messed around, but you need to put your foot down.
best of luck
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Hun it sounds like your gf is falling out of lust with you. When in lust everything is totally fantastic, but as everyday life creeps in, well things get familiar and not so exciting anymore.
Personally, I think that this girl is going to get whatever she can out of you... she doesnt sound comitted, the fact her mother is coming to live with you is going to put undue pressure on an already wobbly relationship.
Clearly you need to have a serious heart to heart chat with your gf, see a counsellor if need be, but she doesnt sound as committed to you as you are to her.
Honeygirl
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