A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m 31 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year. We both feel that communication and respect are most important in a relationship and have many shared interests. My boyfriend is an amazing listener. He’s kind and caring, treats family and friends well, and has a calm yet serious personality that complements my emotional personality, which flusters easily.However… he is not funny.I grew up in a home where the men have sharp wit, make puns, tell entertaining stories and speak fluent sarcasm. Life in general is addressed with a side of humor. I am drawn to people with this sense of humor, from friends and co-workers to strangers and customers. I love the challenge and excitement that witty banter provides me. I find it’s my way of connecting with people.My current relationship is not completely lacking laughter but I am often consumed with thoughts of “Can I live my whole life with a man who’ll never have a witty come back?” Because we have such open communication I’ve been able to explain my feelings to him. It has not upset him that I’m still unsure in our relationship, but for me it has been causing stress from indecision.I’m the type of person to over-analyze and question everything in life. I realize I cannot change my boyfriend’s lack of sense of humor. I’m not getting any younger and hate the thought of breaking off an otherwise great relationship. The stress on me from constantly questioning a future decision to marry my boyfriend is not helpful toward furthering what could be an amazing relationship. How do I find a way to shake this nagging feeling that marrying him may be a wrong decision because of our humor gap? Or is this difference in our senses of humor a deal breaker?
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 April 2014):
Dear OP,
I'm 30 so I get it.. "if I break it up with him, will I ever find another serious relationship with anybody better in the few years I've got...because I want marriage and kids etc. before I turn 40 (or 35 or any number in that range)".
But I think that's the wrong mindset to approach a relationship. Don't settle for anyone just because you're not in your twenties anymore. You have to face the risk that your dreams of a perfect family won't come true. Because that's simply our time of futility - and families were never perfect anyway. That doesn't mean you should miss out on the chance to spend your time with someone who makes you happy.
Want a cautionary tale?
An acquaintance left her ex to find a man she could have a traditional family with. Having reached her 30s, she rushed into marriage with the first guy she got involved with, because he was ready to marry and have kids. It seemed all so "perfect" and she defended him, even though they were constantly fighting from the start. Now, few years later, they are both unhappy and their little baby child is the only thing that's keeping them together. She needs therapy and antidepressants to keep going. If they had taken their time and been honest with themselves, they'd have realized they are far from compatible. But no. The temptation of settling down was too big.
Another cautionary tale?
Someone I know insisted she and her not-so-compatible on-and-off boyfriend got engaged and married, because she wanted to "tie him down", as she had reached her 30s and really wishing for a baby.
After loads of trouble, they got married and were trying for a baby. No success.
What can you learn from those stories? Please choose wisely who you want to be with. And don't assume marriage is an arrangement that guarantees you happiness or children. You can have both without marriage. Think outside the box and ignore the ticking clock. This is not the fifties anymore.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2014):
 Chi girl makes a hugely important point and I just saw a piece that shows that children of high intelligence get jokes faster and better than lower intelligence children... it seems intelligence is needed for a sense of humor.
makes sense to me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 April 2014):
 Oh. I just thought of something. I once had an ex who didn't get jokes. But it wasn't because of a lack of humour, it was a lack in intelligence. Or... a different working brain, if I am to put it more nicely. But in my eyes, he was just plain dumb. He never took a joke. We had fun, sure, but watching a comedy with him? And in a group of people everyone laughed except him. And I'd have to explain the point to him all the time.
If your boyfriend is like that, then no, don't stay with him. Because you will lose respect for him and just see him as dumb, or slow, like I saw my ex. It didn't help that he couldn't make a decision in his life, followed his best friend in his every move, and needed me to give him instructions on every damn thing he was asked to do, down to how to make a sandwich. He was incapable of standing on his own two feet and think for himself and make any decisions, so it wasn't just his lack of understanding humour...
But there is a difference between just not sharing the same sense of humour, and not being intellectually on the same level. Humour can be a way to identify what level his intellect is on, as someone with lacking EQ will not get jokes or sarcasm. Although they can have a high IQ even so. My ex, unfortunately, was lacking in both areas. He was like a fly that kept banging against the window without understanding why it couldn't get out. So you see, clearly I lost respect for him. Don't go down that same path.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 April 2014):
Normally I'd say why settle? If he's great, BUT.... Then no, he's not what you're looking for. However, in this case I think you should really reconsider and look at the great things you have right in front of you. A boyfriend can not, and should not, fill your every need. And it sounds to me like you have witty and challenging, sarcastic conversations with just about everyone else. Do you really need your boyfriend to also be as witty, challenging, sarcastic etc?
Look at what he is to you. A boyfriend who is your good friend, a support, stands by you. If you marry and have children, and you at 5am have had 2 hours of sleep because of a crying brat, what do you want: a sarcastic comment or a hug and a smile?
I'm just saying, if you have friends and family to be witty and sarcastic with, can't your boyfriend be your boyfriend... and be enough with that? Does he also need to be a stand-up comedian, when that's actually NOT what you need him to be on a daily basis?
I'm just saying... think about what you're actually looking for, what you actually need from him, in the many situations in life. Sure a witty guy might be great at parties, but at 5am with a screaming toddler.. I think I'd go for a calm and comfortable guy with his feet planted on the ground. Call your friends if you want sarcasm, go to your boyfriend for support. A boyfriend (and a husband) is not supposed to fill your every need. He needs to cover some needs, which it appears he does perfectly well. The rest you can get from your friends.
But, it's up to you. If a matching sense of humour is more important to you than everything else, that's totally your choice, and no one has a right to tell you you're wrong. It's your life, you only live once, and life is short. So if you're miserable and don't get enough laughter in your life, you do what you must do. But if you laugh and have a great time, just not always with him, then I think you should count your blessings and enjoy it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2014):
I speak fluent sarcasm. It's a lost language on my hubby who really can't get it. He has a sense of humor but not the same as mine.
I get what you are saying and I often wish he got me more than he does...but he has a sense of humor and he does manage to laugh and to make me laugh now and then and we cope...
there are always trade offs in relationships. I don't believe that any one person can meet all of another person's needs... you have to decide if this need is mandatory or just really desired and if you can cope with a sarcasm impaired man.....
as Cindy said, this is a choice only YOU can make. For some it's a no brainer and off they go... for others they have to weigh the pros and cons.... will having to constantly say "I was being sarcastic SHEESH" get on your nerves???
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 April 2014):
 This is a question that only you can answer ( and you have sort of already answered in your submittal... ).
It all depends, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much sense of humour in a partner is important to you.
Not everybody is the same and reacts the same to similar conditions. I grew up in a family like yours ,Oscar Wilde's aphorisms were our Bible, and Wittybanter is my middle name. Yet, although I do like laughing and I appreciate sense of humour, personally it would never cross my mind to dispose of a great partner with plenty of qualities because he is not a life of the party kind of guy. Maybe it's because I am an egomaniac and I like to be the smart-aleck in the couple, who knows. Anyway, I don't see a steady relationship or a marriage as a vaudeville act , and I do not need a man to make me laugh , I can easily come up with my own jokes, or read something funny on my own... it's with the serious stuff, that which requires reliability, strength, wisdom, perseverance etc.. that I may need some help with. I think you can see where I am getting at personally, I think you'd be crazy to let go of this gem of a man because he's not Jerry Seinfeld. BUT but but : I understand that for you it may be all different, and if you have this nagging feeling... well, maybe you are not supposed to just shake it off. Maybe you are supposed to listen to it, maybe it's a little inner voice telling you that you are betraying your true self and neglecting your true needs. If you do NEED a funny guy, if you feel that , with all its good points, something is sorely missing from your relationship, .... then something IS sorely missing from it,- basically you aren't happy with what you've got, and this is always a shaky foundation to start from.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (2 April 2014):
 I married a man very much like your boyfriend. He was a good kind loving man, had a very stable job and was someone I knew I could depend on, loved kids, came from a good family. He was a quiet man. He did NOT have a sense of humor like mine at all. I grew up in a family where we laughed, teased, joked around. I have a sort of silly/sarcastic sense of humor and I LOVE to laugh and make others laugh.
Before we married, we went out to dinner with my sister and her soon to be husband. It was at a pizza place and we were just laughing and joking. My sister and I were doing most of the talking and laughing, the men would chime in occasionally. I thought everyone was having fun. Later that night, my soon to be husband told me that he felt "embarrassed that my sister and I were so loud and people were noticing us". We weren't that loud, trust me. It took me off guard and I felt sort of hurt, but I pushed it aside. I shouldn't have.
We stayed married for almost 15 years and although his sense of humor (or lack of one) didn't cause our marriage to fall apart, it didn't help things. I could never joke with him because he didn't get my jokes, he never thought things were funny when they were or could have been. I laugh and joke around sometimes when things are stressful or serious just to relieve the tension. It helps me get through things. He didn't. Eventually we divorced.
The man I dated for 12 years after my divorce got me. He has the same silly stupid crazy sense of humor as me. We had so many little private jokes and sayings and he could make me laugh when I wanted to cry and could always cheer me up. Always. He got me. And I loved it.
Trust your feelings. If you are questioning if you should marry him...LISTEN to that little voice. Don't underestimate a person not having a quality that is important to you. It really could make a difference between having a marriage, and having a HAPPY marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): I'm lucky to share humour with my partner, but honestly whether a person can enjoy a relationship with differing senses of humour is individual,It's not fair on your partner to hold him hostage to your will you / won't you stay.
You've also said you grew up around funny men, and you value it in partners, but are you funny? Why don't you sharpen your own wit, take the lead in humour for your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): NO. I would feel like my sense of humour was being wasted on them. There's a guy in my office who keeps laughing I already like him and he lights up the room.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): My wife is the serious type. She was annoyed with me for laughing out loud while I was reading a book; it hurt me, I still remember. This was 11 years ago. We've been married for 12 years, now. We have a very stable marriage; she is hard working, diligent, intelligent, well educated, and loyal. She is an excellent mother.
Now, I see that our difference in sense of humor makes many of our discussions / communication labored. She does not have the generosity of mind to let go and laugh over small things. Everything is serious. It's exhausting. My life became heavy. I am depressed and tired, now.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 April 2014):
No honey, he isn't right for you and you'll never be happy with him- voice of experience speaking-
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): I have addressed this question before. Not on the DC site; but a personal acquaintance. Even in my own personal life; not quite exactly as you've presented here, in my case.
I was dating someone who liked raunchy sex. He had money, charm, good-looks, and he was a lot of fun. I fell for him.
The things he liked, I just couldn't do. I grew to care for him very much. The things I discovered just were too much. He did me a favor, and dumped me.
I should have been relieved; but I was miserable for awhile. I would have had to change too much of me to make him happy. He told me I deserved someone better.
A girlfriend had to make the decision of moving to the west coast with a successful boyfriend. She was successful in her own right, and worked hard to climb the ladder at a job she loved. All her family is on the east coast. He had the opportunity to make a lot of money. The thing is, they had been together since college. Nearly five years. He never asked her to marry him. She asked me what I would do?
I told her that I would have asked him to marry me. If he said no; I'd stay planted right where I am. She asked him. He hemmed and hawed; and said he was planning on doing it later. Told her she caught him off-guard, and blew his plans.
She stayed planted where she is. Two years later,
he came back. It all fell through. She met someone else; and she stayed with her company, she's doing quite well.
There have to be deal-breakers when making life-long decisions. Divorces are the result of irreconcilable differences for the most part. Incompatibility. Things about people either they cannot change; or they don't want to change for others.
Of course; you weigh the pros and cons; however, deciding who is right for you is not only a logical decision, it is an emotional one.
When dealing with how you "feel" about someone; you have to go beyond the practical. It's practical that they make a good-living, they have a decent education; that they have a reasonable level of sanity and intellect. These are things you can reasonably trade-off, or make adjustments to. They are things that are tangible, malleable, and adjustable. There are reasonable trade-offs.
He's nice; well that's a requirement in order to be a boyfriend. We expect that of our platonic friends, co-workers, neighbors, and most regular acquaintances.
He balances your tendencies to over-think things. He's kind, and you communicate well. Same can be said of a friend or loyal colleague. They know how to "re-adjust" us when we are out of whack. Calm us down.
I read all posts carefully and look for key comments and phrases which give me material to work with. There were several important points that you made, that will help you to trust your instincts.
You grew up around a household with a sense of humor. You are drawn to people with a sense of humor and sharp wit.
You love the challenge of banter and excitement.
Can you spend your whole life with a man whole never make a witty comeback? The bothers you to the degree of stressing and agonizing over the decision. It nags at you that it could be the wrong decision. That's because it is.
Wit, liveliness, humor, and banter are what you thrive on.
It's what picks you up, it energizes you. If it wasn't so important, you wouldn't have devoted more sentences of how much you love humor in your life, than you described having him in your life. I think you have your answer.
When you carry so much doubt; that is your common-sense and your heart synchronizing. They are not in conflict. He is everything you could want in a lifelong friend. Devoted,
kind, and practical. But for you, a husband must have all of those qualities, AND humor. You don't settle for only practical reasons; you settle for both practical and emotional reason when choosing a mate for life.
There will be times when you're going through rough spots,
having a rotten day, or in the throws of grief. You need someone there to brighten your day, prod you with humor,
and energize you. God forbid you fall to a terrible illness. You need a cheerful mate around to uplift you and make you crack a smile. Not someone standing over you like an undertaker. It's just not you. You need someone to toss a ball of sarcasm to you, and give you the strength to volley it back.
Listen to what your gut tells you. You want the snap, crackle, and the pop. You are a happy person with a sharp wit and sense of humor. So are all the people around you.
I think over time, he'll tire of it. It has only been a year. You talking about a life-time!
The thing you never do in a relationship, is go in with the intent to change someone's natural personality. It just isn't in him. You'll always want it. He'll feel like a fish out of water most of the time. Tolerating everyone. Not joining in to be woven into the fabric that makes up who you are, and all those you love and hold dearest.
I wouldn't make any hasty decisions. I'd give him more time to see how much you and yours rub-off on him. He needs more time to be around you and assimilate into the fold. Try not to think so far ahead when the relationship is so young.
Maybe he might need more time to warm-up to the lighter side of life. Enjoy him as a boyfriend for the time being,
and if that burns out, it's a no-brainer about marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): Can you be happy with a man that isn't funny? Yes. Can you be happy with THIS man that isn't funny? Probably not. If he has a flaw that is making you question whether you can spend the rest of your life with him... Then you really need to think long and hard about the relationship. Him being a nice guy etc. etc. etc. doesn't really matter if you don't click, and not sharing a sense of humour makes it sound like you're not that compatible.One of the best things in a relationship is being able to make your partner laugh and having private jokes together... And won't you feel disappointed and uncontent if you meet a man that DOES make you laugh and you find yourself thinking "If only my husband could be like that..."I was with my ex for five years, we got on pretty well, we had fun together we had a fairly good relationship... But there was something missing. To me, it sounds like you are facing the same thing. There is nothing really WRONG in your relationship, but there is something not quite right, which you are explaining by saying it is that your boyfriend isn't funny. He's a good guy and he'll look after you, you won't have a bad life together. But at the same time, it doesn't sound like he's completely right for you either. I'm similar to you, I fret and worry and over analyse everything... But something I feel one hundred per cent certain of is my current relationship. I will marry my girlfriend, because she is perfect for me. We're not identical in our hobbies and beliefs, but we are similar people and very compatible, I love everything about her, all aspects of her personality. I know not many aunts on here feel the same, but I strongly believe in 'the one'... And this guy isn't your one. Otherwise you wouldn't be wondering if you could marry him and not regret it... You would KNOW the relationship is right.
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