A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyoneSo my boyfriend proposed to me last week and I know I just be happy about this but I'm not..We have been dating for 3 years and things are goin really well until the day of propasal..He has never spoken about marriage to me so this came as a surprise..he told me we were goin on a cruise but he went overboard,booked the entire thing,our friends were there, a perfect atmosphere but then came the ring,he did this in front of around 30 of our friends, bent on his knee and in my head I'm thinking oh my god I hope he's not popping the question and he did!I dint knw what to say I just gave him a blank stare I dint want him to be embarassed but how could I say yess to him..I just told him I love you but I'm not ready for this yet!so ever since then he has just stopped talking to me cuz I just played games??how am I playing games tho I told him I am not ready for marriage he still went ahead thinking I would have change my mind..I miss him:( wht do I do?
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female
reader, adamantine +, writes (22 July 2012):
 I find it hard to believe that in 3 years of being together, not once has the topic of marriage come up.
Have you never expressed to him that you just don't feel ready to get engaged within the next year or two?
Communciation is huge within a relationship and I think it's lacking within yours. Talk to him so that he knows where you stand.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): OP, you have my sympathy. YOU were the victim, YOU were publicly humilated and embarrassed, bf put you in a terrible spot, respectfully remind other aunts (oldbag in particular) that this is completely on boyfriend, astonishingly inappropriate and inconsiderate, other responders missing key point: when guest(s) of honor at surprise birthday or anniversary party enter a room to unexpectedly find friends and family gathered to celebrate, it's the PARTY that's the surprise, not the occasion for it, as in such cases GOH has benefit of advance knowledge of occasion being celebrated on given calendar date based on prior annual celebrations of actual events that had already actually happened. Boyfriend's elaborate grandiose overboard public gesture of supposed love was ego-driven compulsion to show the whole world how much he loved you and the lengths that he's willing to go in order to prove that undying devotion. And in wanting to show everyone else how much he loves OP, in my eyes he showed her how much he DIDN'T.Absolutely zero consideration for OP, bf told the whole world but not her assuming she'd be swept off her feet to the applause and admiration and envy of the crowd who could only wish they had such a knight in shining armor. No previous talk of marriage so boyfriend set OP up to OP walk into celebration of life-changing milestone event of occasion requiring instantaneous response to question asked without warning, expectation or preparation in fromt of her immediate circle of family and friends, for sole purpose of gratifying bf's ego at OP's expense. Innapropriate and inconsiderate and embarassing and humiliating for supposed honoree, as most such ego-fueled histrionics are, hopefully some attendees are as horrified as I am given time to digest events. And now boyfriend's in a snit because OP ruined HIS party by not providing answer he had no legitimate reason to expect other than ego-driven delusion that he could sway her to change her mind about a question to which the ONLY answer was no? Sorry, but nobody living in Hawaii at midnight on December 7, 1941 knew it was Pearl Harbor Day for simple reason no way to anticipate or prepare for unexpected sneak attack before it happens, only then did it become Pearl Harbor Day. OP, this is a huge, huge, huge red flag in my eyes. I'd think very very long and very very hard and very very carefully about even considering a future with this guy. An egomaniac with delusions of grandeur expecting you to kow-tow to his whims in order to puff and preen in presence of others entirely at your expense is someone from whom I'd have walked off the gangplank and in the other direction. Can you say "controlling?" At the very least, he needs therapy, lots and lots of it, if he pulls such an elaborate yet reckless stunt like this and takes NO ownership, then I suspect he has huge huge unresolved issues resulting in huge huge unfilled voids to which he will go to any length to fill (and that's an understatement); on that basis then you have good reason to question his judgement, if not his long-term sanity.At least you can be thankful for now having previously unbeknownest and unimaginable window into his mind. He is not someone you should even consider marrying any time soon, like Pearl Harbor residents you need time to recover and reevaluate and rebuild in wake of out-of-blue event resulting in radically altered landscape. Be scared, be very very scared.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (21 July 2012):
 Hi
Oh poor bloke he must be totally humiliated,you could have said yes, it was an engagement ring not a wedding ring. After 3 years it IS considered the next step.
If you don't want to commit to him now, then I don't think he is the one for you and furthermore, he knows that's how you feel now
I know its absolutely your right to say no, but I wouldn't have done it to the man I love in front of everyone.You need to talk to him but more than that, you have to ask yourself if he is for you or just a bloke your used to having around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): You've obviously dented his ego and hurt his feelings in front of everyone, who can blame him for feeling the way he does. But then again, it takes two to make this decision and if you're not ready then that's just the way it is.
Why don't you have a think about the subject and decide if/when you think you might consider marriage then ask to discuss it with him. I'm sure he will come round once he gets over the embarrassing knocked back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): His ego and confidence has been bruised.... he will be alright once he gets over himself. Give him some time and continue trying to talk to him about it and explain where you are coming from and let him know you are sorry he was hurt by this though it was not your intention and that you had no idea because you had never discussed it before. If he is the right guy, you two will work it out..if not, he wasn't the right one. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (20 July 2012):
The fact that he’s reacting like this just proves that you’re not ready for marriage. If you’ve encouraged him to try and talk things through and have an honest conversation with you and he refuses, there’s nothing you can do. Tell him this needs sorting and that you expect him to hear you out. Then be honest with him about what you want. IF he won’t do that, he doesn’t really care much about how you’re feeling anyway. Of course he may be hurt and upset but people can’t complain if they spring a surprise like that in front of so many people. There’s always a risk when one pops the question, it was his choice to take that risk in public and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about it.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 This reminds me of the time, in Norfolk, at Harbor Park... when a guy proposed during the "7th inning stretch"... and the "fan cam" was on them. SHE said, "H**l, no" and turned tail and left. The poor guy.... was not only TOTALLY humiliated... but was humiliated in front of about 8000 people.
Things like this (and your incident) should make guys a little more discriminating in the things they do - "romantically" - in public....
I think, incidentally, that you should contact this guy and ask him if he's like a "re-do".... except under slightly more private circumstances....
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (20 July 2012):
 While you did the right thing for you, he is crushed and feels embarrassed and humiliated. He will be questioning whether you are the right person now, as after 3 years you should know one way or the other. His confidence would have been severely knocked.
If you want to continue in this relationship, then you have to talk to him. Explain yourself, and see things from his point of view. Good luck!
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