A
female
age
30-35,
*hampagne69
writes:This is bit of a read sorry, but I'd really like some outsider input on this.I guess I now can no longer call him my boyfriend, so my ex, let's call him A, broke up with me tonight. We're both eighteen, he graduates school tomorrow, I graduated last year, got accepted into my university program of choice, but declined as I got in a relationship with A, we didn't want a long distance relationship and he wanted me to wait til he finished school so we could then move away together for uni.Past couple of months, he got really busy at school, I struggled completely, I don't have much left in my small home town, all my friends have moved away, and I'm stuck at home if I'm not at work usually just waiting around to hear from him. I did all the wrong things, sent him millions of text messages, demanded his attention and time often, I was emotionally dependent on him which I realised was very bad about a month ago, this is when he started to drift away from me and I knew our relationship was in trouble. I did my best to try and just be happy with what very little time we had together, but as the weeks past and it got closer to him finishing school, the less and less I saw of him and the less I heard from him. Upon all of this also his phone was stolen, his replacement phone hardly worked, then his second replacement phone stopped working as well. So when I thought he was ignoring me, I would overreact, get upset, and it would turn out his phone just had issues and then this behaviour pushed him away, fair enough, I understand.But all he ever did was tell me to just stay strong til he finished school and everything would be better than, we always spoke about our plan that we were moving together, he always said he wanted to, and although times were tough during school I promised him I would be happy girl he fell in love with when he finished school because he would actually have time for me.We planned all year to go camping with his mates for a week after he finished school, well for half a week with his mates than half a week on our own.On the weekend we had his school formal, really special night between us, everything was once again, perfect whilst we were together, as much as things got * * * * when we were apart, together everything seemed to fall back into place again.Tonght he text me, saying he doesn't want me to come away with him, he wants to celebrate the end of school with just his mates he was sick of me demanding time with him and tieing him down. (just throwing it out there, he asked me to go with him and his mates)I called him, knew something was wrong instantly, asked what the hell was going on, and discovered his feelings had changed. As a mess on the phone he didn't have much to say, I hung up on him, drove to his house and we spoke for an hour. He wants us to be over, he has lost feeling for me, he changed his mind between 'I don't know if I love you' and 'I don't love you' several times, he does not want a serious relationship, he's not ready for one, he does not want any relationship at all. He just wants to spend his time with his friends and not have any boundaries or be tied down. I questioned if he wanted to go out and meet other girls and hook up and stuff, which isn't in his nature at all and he was rather disappointed in me for suggesting that, he just is completely anti-women or relationships and wants to just have fun with his mates.I asked him if he was scared, he said yes. About our relationship being serious and moving. He doesn't want to move yet, he can't afford to yet, he just got a good job here and wants to save money so he then can move to his university of choice which is an hour from where I'm meant to start university beginning of next year.He's not sure why his feelings have changed, he thinks it's just a mixture of things, he learnt to live without me, he no longer thought about me all the time, he hated texting me because he'd heave heaps of messages to read from me, he started to resent me cause I over crowded him. I understand this part is completely my fault, I did realise but I did not know how to cope with it, and as much as I tried I failed. My Mum warned me I would lose him if I didn't stop crowding him, and of course, mothers are always right.He said his feelings started to change about a month ago, which is when he started to push me away as I realised I was pushing him away. It was also a month ago that we both gave each other our virginities. Firstly said he felt different just after that, but later said it was a month and a couple of weeks he felt like this, but at time we took my virginity he was hoping it was just a little rough patch he'd overcome but that it escalated and now it was ruined - no turning back.I'm currently in shock, extremely angry he kept his doubts away from me for a whole month, if he addressed to me there was a serious problem, I would have snapped out of it and done everything I could to give him space if it meant saving our relationship or at least giving it a chance. Because I begged him to give it a chance tonight, I was asking that we stayed in a relationship until both our heads are in the right place to make a decision, at first when I suggested tihis he said no. But when I brought up recent very good memories between us, like only last week or the week before and how special our bond has been, he agreed to stay together and give it a chance, not a hopeful one, but just not end things right there and then. But twenty minutes later it was getting late and he tried saying goodbye than had changed his mind, we were over, it was his final decision.I was heartbroken and he felt awful about it, he could hardly look at me, he was iffy about comforting me but as soon as I started letting go of his hand and move away he kept holding me, but I started to push him away, I didn't know how to feel, I don't know how to feel, everyone thought we were a really rare couple, which we were, we were like made for each other, our parents family all thought it and we had something really special, we made it to the end of his school year, he graduates tomorrow! I have waited nearly a whole year for this I was soooooooooooooo excited to FINALLY have him, for him to have time for me, for his parents to stop controlling him, he promised me everything - and now, it's all gone, ended, just like that, out of the blue, complete shock, I am shattered.So please, advice on this, I don't know what about exactly I just want some help.
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at work, broke up, fell in love, heartbroken, I love you, long distance, money, my ex, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 November 2011):
I'm sorry he broke your heart, and I'm sorry you postponed Uni for a guy. (and a guy who wasn't worthy).
He has decided you two are over, no amount of anger, hurt or love from you will change his mind.It might have felt out of the blue, but I think he has been wanting to end it for a while. He wants what his mates have, "freedom of being single".
You really have one option right now and that is to FOCUS on yourself.
Take from this relationship and learn from it. I'm not saying that it was all your fault, but you know some of the things you did contributed to him breaking up. The constant texing and "hovering" over one's partner is a sure way to end a relationship.
Give him some space (and yourself too) Focus on work, preparing for Uni, spend time with family and friends.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (18 November 2011):
 Hi,
I am sorry you are in pain, and it must be very difficult for you.
Just know that, right now you need to be strong, and accept his decision. At this point there's no much you can do, and begging him to stay together will not solve anything. It won't make it better. The best thing you can do is to give him time to think things over. Whatever happens in the future, it needs to be his own decision. He knows how you feel, and what you want, so it's up to him to decide.
Meanwhile, be prepare and don't expect anything. You need to be calm, and prepare yourself in case he doesn't come back to you. I know the thought of not having him in your life is unberable, but you need to accept that it might be a possibility. I am sorry I am being hard and not telling you what you want to hear, but I am just being honest. I don't want to give you false hope, because that will only cause more pain.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, shandy88  +, writes (17 November 2011):
Having been through this heart ache just over a year ago, I thought I may be able to possible help you out a little bit. It was the same for me, we'd been together over 6 years, he was my first Love, my first in every way and it was all over in one evening, something very hard to deal with at the time, but to look back after a year I can honestly say its the best thing that ever happened to me personally. My advice would be to leave him to have space, I know your instant reaction is to fix it, but your need for him previously has let to this, acting clingy and obsessive now is only going to clarify for him you're not the girl he fell in Love with. He doesn't sound like the type of guy that will get with anything and everyone straight after you've broken up, he's young, he wants to have fun with his friends, let him. You have to let him realise what he has lost in order for him to want to fix it. Its the hardest thing in the world but you have to accept if its meant to be, it will be, even if its 6 months down the line and you both come to the realisation that life just isn't the same without each other, atleast you know he has come to that decision on his own, not because he feels bad because your sat infront of him crying and he doesn't want you to be hurting like that. Give hime his week away with friends, he clearly needs to let of steam and just have fun, try and keep busy and DO NOT contact him! Let him come to you, it will happen, seems you guys have too much history together for him to just cut all ties. He will be thinking about you too, probably questioning his decision, he's not made of stone, he has Loved you, that doesn't go away in a month, if it does for him, he really isn't the one for you. I would Love to hear how you get on, you just need to fall back on you family and friends now to help you through. This time next year you will forget that feeling in your heart right now, whether it be because you're with him, or you moved on and found somebody knew, it won't always hurt.x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): You don't mention once what you love about him or why you two should continue in a relationship.
You seem extremely insecure. You have only now been with him for 11 months, but graduated a year ago and put off attending university for someone you hadn't even been in a year-long committed relationship with?
Relationships are about mutual communication, affection, trust, love and compromise. They are not about making unreasonable sacrifices (like putting off college for a few month old relationship) and expecting the other person to be there for you every free moment they have.
Instead of focusing on your sacrifices and how he has hurt you, you need to focus on picking yourself up, enrolling in university and working towards a degree. In time, you will make friends and develop relationships with more mature individuals at uni.
Just please learn from this. Don't try to get him back and don't ever make another huge sacrifice by putting your life on hold for another person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): I hate to use that cliche phrase, "it is what it is", but it is a very apt description of what transpired between you and your boyfriend. You're probably sick of hearing that you're to young and all, right? People at your age are very fickle and still evolving emotionally, so don't take it personally.The only thing I can say is that if he really wanted to be with you he wouldn't have initiated this break up, or pushed you away. You can't talk him into staying with you if he doesn't want to. My motto is that staying to getter shouldn't have to be that hard......it's no a mathematical equation.
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