A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Long story as short as possible. Been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We don't live together at the moment but have been talking about it once my lease is up. A few months ago we'd started fighting and this caused him to distance himself. We broke up for about 2 months and then decided to give it another go, only this time is total hell. Basically, it's ME putting in ALL the effort. He seems to have reached indifference. I'll explain...I saw him 4 days ago and he went off, basically expressing himself in a way I've never heard. He was yelling and told me that he's not in love with me anymore, that he loves me but isn't in love with me. He said that just looking at me anymore pisses him off and he hates even being around me. He said he's still looking at me as the same person prior to us getting back together. He also said, at one point, that he hates me and how he wishes he was the type of guy to get under something new in order to finally push him entirely over me. He was extremely angry while yelling all of this stuff and even punched his dresser so hard the drawer won't open. I sat there bawling my eyes out. He was even throwing things up in my face he never had a problem with during our relationship. Things he was aware of from the start 4 years ago was even irritating him. He just exploded with anger and basically said every hurtful thing he could say. When he gets angry, he says whatever he can to piss someone off or hurt someone that's hurt him. His mother (god rest her soul) told him how bones heal but words cause real life-long scars.I ended up finding out what was really the cause of his freak out. It was an incident that happened right before we broke up where he thought I was cheating on him with another man, which I wasn't. It was harmless conversation but the way it came about he believes I had something for this man. Right after that is when we broke up. He didn't tell me the reason but now I know that was it. I called that out 4 days ago during his episode and he said I was damn right and how he thought about that "mother fucker" every day and night and it was eating at him over and over. After he let all this out we went out and spent the rest of the day together like we always did. While we were out he said that he doesn't hate me, that he does love me but that I can't expect him to just let himself get close to me again and in 6 months something bad happen again. As the day went on he was talking like his old self and saying things which implied we'd see each other this coming weekend. Before we said goodnight, we had sex 2x which was passionate and full of him grabbing my hair and pulling me into him so he could kiss me. It was just like old times. This week has been in the pits. We've hardly spoken. I've initiated contact every day this week, except yesterday, in which he called to say he drove by my place of work and saw my car and that he just wanted to let me know he drove by and was on his way to work. He ended the call by saying he loved me. The call was less than a minute. It's safe to say he's still not letting me in. He's refusing to get close to me again.Where I'm at right now is basically pining for him. Telling him how much I love/miss him while he pretty much says nothing, and when he does it's short and to the point. When he called me yesterday, out of the blue, I was totally shocked. He drove by my work on purpose which shows he was thinking of me but he's still so distant it feels like he's becoming a stranger.If I stop begging for his attention, I just won't get any. I know he loves me, I really know he does, but he's so angry about that incident that he's refusing to do his part in this relationship. If I stopped chasing him I'd probably never hear from him again. :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): He is obviously a very insecure guy.
If you truly want to stay in the relationship, stop chasing so much... and within a few days the tables will have turned and he will be chasing you. When that happens, he is more likely to open up and you may be able to find a more constructive way forward.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 March 2014):
 It's so hard for me to understand why someone would put with verbal abuse, lack of respect and shitty behavior.
Stop chasing him and see what happens. You already know. You are begging for abuse, I mean *attention*--the abuse, sorry, *attention* you crave he's happy to give as long as he gets a little sex now and then.
Stop rowing this dysfunctional relationship boat. If he does come to you and asks to see you, tell him that you will only do so if you see a couples counselor. Find one now so you can make an appointment, assuming he does appear in your life with a different attitude.
You wrote "He was even throwing things up in my face he never had a problem with during our relationship. Things he was aware of from the start 4 years ago was even irritating him." If he's talking about your sexual past then he may have a case of retroactive or retrograde jealousy (RJ). Google it, there are also lots of discussions about it here.
You need to get yourself together and not chase him. That's just continuing to let him know you are tolerating his piss poor behavior. Punching a dresser? Really? Using words as a weapon? Not good.
Do not chase him, find that counselor and go see the counselor without him. Research RJ and keep your integrity and dignity intact.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): I believe you are so wrapped up in this love fantasy that you do not see what it going on. Him going around your work place is nothing more than his way of keeping tabs on you, to make sure you are working and not cheating. I know you said you did nothing of the sort but in his mind you already did. And you doing all the work to repair the relationship leads me to think that he may no longer be interested or that it's his way of punishing you. What kind of person is that? I would leave him if I were you. He is too heavily damaged (out of his own accord as he refuses to let the past go) to have a proper and stable relationship with. Also, if you do leave him then watch your back. The behavior you've attributed to him paints a picture of one who is a stalker with vengeful tendencies.
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