A
female
age
30-35,
*ostandfound2018
writes:My dad loves to accuse me of being anti social and saying "that's why you have no friends". We were at a friends place and there is a single guy there who I see a couple times a year. We aren't friends (acquaintances) and we do not share interests. That night he invited me out w/him to a symphony for the next day, just him and I. I turned him down and when I told my family what happened, they jumped down my throat and told me I was missing out on a social opportunity. Most important, I have a bf and I know he would be hurt if I went alone w/a guy to a concert. Also I don't find him all that interesting anyways, even as just a friend. Had this been a group thing, I wouldn't have said no. What in the heck is my family's problem? They find it weird that I wouldn't want my bf going alone w/some random chick as a social opportunity. This kind of stuff is extremely frustrating and makes me feel self conscious. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2019): I understand that you've accepted your social situation, but it'll be harder to build social connections if you and your boyfriend break up. We all hope that doesn't happen, but it's not healthy to have your world revolve mostly around one person. Anyway, you're making the right decision to reduce what you share; I've had to do the same with my folks.
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female
reader, Lostandfound2018 +, writes (3 January 2019):
Lostandfound2018 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried to do social things, nothing has really worked out. Atm I'm happy where things are. In the future I will not be telling my family much, I just found the situation funny.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2018): You're an adult. You can take your family's opinions into advisement; or your can smile, and flat-out ignore them.
Everyone is jumping on your family, including yourself, for voicing their opinions. You decided to share the interaction between you and the guy. They weren't just citing that particular incident; they were compiling it with past situations that they've observed where you don't seem friendly to people. You might even have a way of being very dismissive or short with people. They happen to know you and your ways!
I try to avoid one-dimensional thinking, or viewing human issues from a narrow point-of-view. We get one-sided stories with all the details slanted in the favor of the OP. Now lets give your family benefit of the doubt; since they don't get to tell their side of this situation. If they love you, let's presume they do; they are thinking in your best interest. Unless you're claiming they're cruel or abusive?
It's very common for young women in relationships to center everything around their boyfriends. His friends are her friends. He is the center of her universe; and he picks and chooses everyone they socialize with. So when there's a breakup; he takes his friends with him. When there are disagreements; they side with him. Leaving her totally alone with no one to turn to for support. She'll avoid her family if they've warned her about it; because hard-headed people don't like to hear the words "I told you so!"
She is accepted by the group; as long as they're together as a couple. Your family may be observing these traits in your relationship; and only feel you should be more social and friendly to people other than your boyfriend. They may not like him. Maybe for good reasons. They don't get to tell their side. They're the mean ole attackers!
Come on, don't try to make us believe they were just purposely trying to make you cheat on your boyfriend!
If they were, I won't presume they don't have good reasons. Especially, if it's a consensus among family-members! They said you're "anti-social." That's kind of serious. They must have some evidence to base such an observation.
It's uncharacteristic of a "mean-family" to want you to make friends!!!
If you have a tendency to gravitate only towards your boyfriend, and shut yourself off from other people; that's likely what they're referring to. You're exaggerating and implying they're suggesting you go on a date with another guy.
Seriously?!!
It was an appropriate move to reject his offer. You are taken; so accepting it would have been disrespectful to your boyfriend, and unfaithful to your relationship. You get a point for your act of loyalty and respect.
Now your family also gets one point for letting you know you should be more social, and need to make some friends. If you had friends, this never would have been mentioned. If they ganged-up on you; maybe it's because it has been an ongoing concern that you have consistently refused to consider, or even bother to listen to.
You don't have to have a lot of friends. You should have a few people who are unrelated by blood; but you can count on when you need them. People you can share celebrations, who will standby you, and you can learn new things from. People loyal to YOU! A healthy distraction away from concentrating all your emotions and feelings on one single solitary-individual labeled your "boyfriend." Your whole world!
Not knowing how to interact with people and make friends makes people isolated and socially-awkward. You will draw all your energy from one source...him! If he leaves you, and shut's off the energy-supply; you will have an emotional collapse. You will feel totally abandoned.
I expect a rebuttal claiming you have friends of your own. Why would your family as a group say otherwise? I read enough posts about people characterizing their families in a negative light; if they dare criticize them in any way. Who would be more honest with you? Who would care more for you?
Maybe you felt insulted by their observations; but it may have been a family-intervention to let you know you need to make your own friends! You should try to socialize; to be a more balanced individual. Necessary to empower yourself; by showing you have enough independence you can share yourself, and interact with others. Not just one guy, and/or his circle of friends. You will have your own friends and family to catch you when you fall!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 December 2018):
 There was a very similar situation here that may help too: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-family-says-im-limiting-myself-by-not.html
I agree that you should limit information sharing with your family. You need to establish healthy boundaries. If you haven’t had much practice, now is the time to start.
Good luck!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 December 2018):
 I agree with Ciar,
Stop telling them stuff that is REALLY none of their business. While they might think they are trying to "help" you be more social, all they are doing is making you feel bad.
You are under NO obligations to go to a concert with an acquaintance just to get out of the house or to be social in your family's eyes.
Do you. Don't worry what they will think, that is something YOU CANNOT change.
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (30 December 2018):
 I think it would be best if you started being very selective in what you tell your family. You are an adult and do not need their thoughts opinions or approval. Its just that simple
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (30 December 2018):
 My advice is to stop telling them things, even conversationally. Too many people assume that when they're told things they're advice is wanted or expected.
You can't control what others do, only what you do, so don't give them opportunities. That applies to most people in life.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 December 2018):
 I had felt not accepted by my family for my whole life, so I can relate to you totally. Your parents are actually thinking for your own good. They rigid thinking patterns such as social people are successful and happy. Quiet, introverted people as lonely, unhappy and lose out on life. I also believe some parents are not good at listening because they don't believe the younger generation has anything valuable to say, since they lived their lives to an old age and are supposed to have wisdom in life.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (30 December 2018):
 Do your family like your boyfriend? Are they, by any chance, trying to separate you from him by throwing you at other guys?
As an adult, you do not need your family's approval of what you do on a social level or who you socialize with. Why would you want to go out on a 1-to-1 with someone you have no social interest in? Perhaps the best way forward is not to discuss stuff like this with your family? What they don't know about, they can't criticize.
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reader, N91 +, writes (30 December 2018):
 Tell them exactly how you feel.
You’re an adult, you are perfectly capable of making your own choices and they need to respect that. Why would they expect you to go to an event you don’t want to attend with someone you have no interest in befriending? That makes no sense.
As you said I don’t think your BF would be too impressed if you were going out with other guys so I’m not sure why your parents wouldn’t see your decision as being respectful to your partner.
Some people just aren’t as social as others, it doesn’t matter if you don’t have many friends. As long as you DO have some form of relationship with others and don’t isolate yourself then I don’t see a problem. Keep doing your own thing whether your parents like it or not. Tell them to get off your back.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 December 2018):
 I get that they’re concerned if you’re social circle is mostly just your boyfriend, but I also agree with why you said no to going alone to a concert with a friend you’re not that well-matched with. Maybe start arranging things once or twice per month with a group of friends or start a new hobby class - not for your parents, but for yourself :)
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