A
male
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anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has invited me to dinner with her family to celebrate her mother's birthday. Whenever I'm with her and her family I feel anxious and guilty, like I really shouldn't be there, but reassured by their kindness, interest and hospitality. They are good fun and I enjoy their company, but I don't feel I belong. I don't feel keen or glad or peaceful, no matter how much I tell myself I'm just being negative and to give myself a break. I can be in a fine mood but still get twinges of apprehension.Would it be wrong, unfair or deceitful to accept this dinner invitation? Do I need to explain how I feel to my girlfriend? She's the kind of person to fly off the handle, draw her own conclusions and say something like "Well if you don't want to come then don't. No one's forcing you." I want to go - but with a clear conscience. Perhaps I'm kidding myself that that is a possibility!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, to qualify what I said below, I think I also get something out of making her happy. Perhaps too much. It's become important to me to have someone to be important to. That diminishes my feeling of worth. I could probably do with creating more of my own satisfaction than relying on her appreciation of me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you cd206. You asked if I loved my girlfriend. She is a lovely girl and we are very close but I've never been in love with her. I'm with her for what she offers me: love and support, care and companionship, commitment and many shared values. Like anyone, she has her faults, like being bossy, seeking approval and lack of empathy, and although we can have sex, I've never thought of her as beautiful or even fancied her really - though I was initially excited by the novel prospect of screwing a decent looking fat bird with big bristols! So I suppose some kind of passion is there, but it's a dark and sordid kind that doesn't live up to my vision of respecting and admiring her physically as well as intellectually.
Having said all that she is the best thing that's happened to me since I met her.
Now I'm 32, thinking of marriage, children and all the rest of it, and I know my girlfriend isn't the love of my life - there is someone in my past whom I certainly wanted more, though whether love might have developed there we'll probably never know since she's married now.
Anyway, one step at a time. I feel if I accept this dinner invitation tonight, I would be doing it for both her and myself, by taking the opportunity to become closer. I reckon I'll still feel like a bit of a cheat though, because I don't already think the world of her and want to marry her right now!
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (17 May 2007):
 You love your girlfriend right? Then you're going for her sake rather than your own. I don't really understand where you're coming from when you say you don't feel comfortable despite them going out of their way to accomodate you but I suggest that the more time you spend with them the easier this will be.
CD
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