A
female
age
41-50,
*amato2
writes:My husband of 9 years (together for 16) had an almost 4 year long affair with his office manager who had a live-in boyfriend. Although I've decided to give him a second chance he has not stopped all contact with her as she still comes into the office to do billing and I've just discovered they shared an intimate French kiss the other day. He said he wasn't starting up the affair again and that it was only a kiss. He said they both stopped after the kiss because they realized that that was not what they wanted to do again. I didn't believe him and I kicked him out. We both agreed that we were staying together for the kids, ages 6 and 4 but I did still love him and in my heart I had hope that we could overcome this. During the past 4 months he has not truly tried to fix our relationship. He comes home but he is not here and he says he doesn't have time for counseling because he is too busy with school and work. He is distant and I know he has been calling/texting/emailing his mistress about how much he still loves her and misses her. She feels the same way but knows that they have no future together because he can't have any more kids and she's young and wants them. She now has a new boyfriend.He also has been having an inappropriate relationship with someone he met while on business one month after I found out about the other affair. He was actually trying to hit on her but she's married and lives in another state. He constantly texts/calls/emails this other person with sexual innuendos and half naked pictures of himself. He claims they are just friends and not having an emotional affair. He said he hit on her because he thought our relationship was over (even though I was giving him a 2nd chance) and to try to get over the mistress. He says it's a friendship and they talk about their problems but I don't have friends that I contact multiple times a day, every day and send half naked pictures to.To make matters worse, he says he doesn't feel comfortable around me!!! He doesn't trust me not to break into his computer and look at his stuff. He says he's a very private person and can't live with me constantly looking over his shoulder. I don't trust him as he has lied to my face for the past 4 years and is continuing to do so. Every time I get upset he says we're taking 2 steps backwards. He says he loves me and doesn't want a divorce but doesn't know what kind of love it is. We are separating to see how it feels without the other constantly in our lives. Our lives are in limbo as we try to figure out if we still want to be with each other. Half of me loves him so much still and half can't stand the thought of him. I know he loves me deeply but he has changed and hurt me so much. He says he is taking this time apart to help us and not be with anyone else. He is just moving 5 min away so he can be close to me and kids. He said that if he were up to no good he wouldn't be moving so close to me but he was up to no good while he was still living under the same roof as me!! I had no clue.Is he just a narcissist who just wants his cake and to eat it too? Can people like this really change? Can I ever trust him again or has too much hurt taken place and I should just precede with divorce? It's hard for me to see because he is a good manipulator and I see him as the man I fell in love with 16 years ago. It's hard to accept the man he has become now. I want to believe that he will change and become the husband I deserve. Is that just naive thinking?
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female
reader, mamato2 +, writes (26 April 2010):
mamato2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all your replies. As I was reading over my question, I tried to view it as someone else's and can agree to what you all are saying. It is going to be hard to let go because he's all I've known since I was 18 but I know I'm deserving of a happy life and my children deserve to be with at least one happy parent-me. I guess I already knew the answer but just had to hear/read it. Thanks again so much!
A
female
reader, medha  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Hi.
I never used to agree to the 'a cheater is a cheater is a cheater' but I believed that it isn't so, and gave a man a chance to prove this. (of course that man is my now long gone ex).... Only to be proved wrong again...and again... and yet again. Thank god he cheated pretty early on, so the only consolation is that I didn't waste much time with him and the relationship.
So basically, a cheater is a cheater is a cheater.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Your hanging on to a memory. He's a cheater, he's not interested in this relationship and he is no longer the man you fell in love with 16 years ago. You can both be good parents without being in a relationship with one another, so staying for the kids is not a valid reason to put up with this misery.
After 16 years, you don't know how to live without him, and this is what's scaring you. But in reality, you have been living without him for the four years. His attention and affection have been diverted elsewhere for half of your marriage; the only thing left is to make the dissolution of this relationship official.
Will he change? Only if he chooses to. And judging by his actions, he has no interest in changing.Hoping for him to change is just delaying the inevitable and extending your heartache.
Unless you enjoy standing on the "X" and having an anvil dropped on your head, you need to get moving with divorce proceedings so you can get out of limbo and move forward with your life. You can't stay in this holding pattern forever and there is nothing left to salvage in this relationship.
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A
female
reader, Bethany1108 +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Run! Please, do yourself and your kids a favor and get out now. He obviously has no respect for you or your relationship and people like this, unfortunately, and no matter how hard we wish, cannot and will not change. You have to understand this point until you're blue in the face thinking about it. He will not and cannot change. You sound like a very nice woman, and this guy doesn't deserve any of your time or attention. Half naked pictures to another married woman a month after his 4 year affair? And the whole kiss between the two of them and how it doesn't mean anything...trust me, if he truly respected himself and you there would have been no kiss. Actually there would have been no affair to start with! My advice would be to yes, get out now while you still can, and you aren't suckered into his lies. Best of luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): My heart goes out to you as i am almost in the same situation, i have just discovered my husband who i love and adore with all my heart has been seeing someone he had an affair with 10 years ago, and has got back in contact with 2 years ago, without me knowing and ive just found out by chance.I have the same questions going round in my head as you do, as my husband says he still loves me and doesnt want to end our 20 year marriage. (At the moment he has moved in with parents.)I think the honest answer is that once the damage has been done, it would be too hard to ever trust again, but it is so hard to give up on so many years together. I have recently saw a counceller who suggested that i give myself a date, whether it is 3 months 6 months or a year-what ever it is , and if things havnt moved any further forward or nothing has changed in the relationship and you know its never going to go back the same. Move on and try and find some happiness.Who knows what the answer is, but i wish you luck as we set on our very difficult journeys!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Yes, I think you are naive. There are ex husbands, ex wives, ex boyfriends and girlfriends. I had never heard of any ex abusers and ex cheaters. You only had to give him one chance and if he blew it, divorce him for the sake of your children's happiness. Chilren are not dumb. They know when you are trying to pretend everything is okay and they hate to be the ones to prevent you from looking for your own happiness. It's not that he has become that way. This is his true nature he has been hiding since his marriage and it had to come out.
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