A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been taking to a decent guy online for the last 2 weeks. We seem to hit it off really well and within days were talking on the phone every day for hours on end. However I was the first person he started talking to as he had only subscribed to the site on that day. It was discussed from the start how the both of us were looking for a long term relationship and found that we were both on the same page. I offered to meet within a couple of days of talking, he did say he felt it was rushed but agreed to meet, but then cancelled as he was called in to work. Then he arranged to meet the following week but it was cancelled as he said he had food poisoning. As disappointing as the situation is we continue to message but the messages and calls have reduced. And I have noticed that he is back online. I am not sure if he was or is stringing me along as I feel that his intentions to get to know me were/are genuine. Part of me feels that it was unfortunate that I was the first person he started talking to regardless of whether we are a match or not. Something similar happened to me earlier in the year, where I started talking to a guy a week into his membership, we dated for over a month and then when we discussed exclusivity, he chose to take a risk and get to know the other women in his inbox, one month later he got in contact with me and said he made a mistake, obviously I didn’t want him after that, but part of me wants to know, is it luck, is it timing, is it persistence, is it me or is it them?. In this case I don’t feel used as we haven’t meet in person. However I would like your advice, comments and opinions on whether this is something worth pursuing or just let it go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, I acknowledge that my mind-set is a little rushed and my concerns are also that he may be wasting my time. However I will be mindful of both points. Thanks again
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 December 2015):
 I think I would just SLOW down if I were you. Meeting after talking for a week is not a bad idea, but it CAN feel rushed, like you are TRYING to make things happen and that in turn can seem desperate or pushy (in lack of better terms).
As for the past guy, I think it's a TAD soon to jump the exclusivity thing after a month. And that might have been why he bailed on you to see what else was out there. And then kept you in reserve. And I think you did the right thing in not wanting to be his "back up" girl.
GO slow.
Keep the phone calls/texting to a "sane" level. Talk/chat for maybe 2-4 weeks then meet up. It's kind of nice to not have talked about "everything" over the phone but have something to discuss in person. Make the first meeting in person a "short" date - a "let's see if there is chemistry" like a lunch date. And have the date in public. If there IS great chemistry, have a second, a third, fourth date, etc. and no sex till you are BOTH OK with exclusivity.
I think you are trying to make things happen a bit too fast and it can feel forced - try and let it be a little more organic.
The whole "I want it all and I want it now! approach" isn't working for you, so TRY another.. and that would be... to slow down.
Talk to a guy with the notion that he might be interesting to get to know, not with the OH he WILL be my BF asap, let's make that happen!!
Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
And I don't think he is stringing you along, but if he felt rushed or pushed by you, he might pull away and look at other options (other women) to see if he can find one he clicks with as easily as he did with you, but without feeling pressured into something he isn't sure about.
Don't give up. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2015): Hi, I just have to respond to your dilemma. I recently wrote of a similar experience I had. The question appears in November and December when I posted a follow-up. I had phone conversations almost non-stop for 2 months with a guy who became ill; a horrible cough brought about by exposure to agent orange. We were supposed to meet so many times but were prevented from meeting because of his illness. After the first 2 months he suddenly went dark with no correspondence at all, came back for 3 weeks and on the day of our meeting wrote to say he couldn't meet me and has subsequently gone dark again. I decided I was much too good to be the recipient of such immature and bad behavior and you are too. These are bad guys who are rude and not worth our time and great energy. We can do so much better. I know it hurts; I'm undoubtedly much older than you and it hurt me terribly. There are good guys out there; we just have to hunt and search for them. Not everyone behaves that way which you'll find out for yourself. Be well and stay happy. Sincerely, Scottie
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