A
female
age
36-40,
*ookiemonster1987
writes:My boyfriend and I are engaged to be married, but we've had a lot of problems. In the beginning, he was verbally abusive to both myself and his daughter. I told him not to talk to me like that and he's stopped. He's become a new man and he says nice things to me all the time. He does nice things for me and does his best to be supportive of my goals (I want to drop out of school for a few years but he tells me to keep trying). The problem is I don't know if I forgive him for the way he used to act. I think I love him, but it bothers me that I had to ask him to not call me names and make me feel bad when he's angry. I spoke with him about this a month ago and he begged me to let him try things my way. For example, we talk on the phone over 10 times everyday even though we live together and he agreed to stop calling as often, but it's still a lot. I'm worried our relationship is unhealthy and codependent, and he's upset that all the things he does for me, like letting me have a dog in his house, bringing me food and flowers everyday, isn't enough for me. Every time I try to tell him I want to leave, he reminds me how much better of people we are for having been together, because I stopped telling small lies all the time and he's stopped yelling and drinking in excess. I don't know what to do. He has a beautiful family and I love spending time with his daughter but I'm just not sure were going to make it in the long run. Every time I try to leave he convinces me to stay even though I've told him I don't want to have kids with him (very important to him) and I'm interested in trying to get back with one of my exes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Cookiemonster1987 +, writes (21 February 2013):
Cookiemonster1987 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for the thoughtful replies. My fiancé does know I'm interested in an exboyfriend. This started when my current boyfriend and I were having bad fights because I cheated on him once. He screamed at me for hours on end for days at a time and I reached out to my ex boyfriend for a friendly voice. I am not, unfortunately, emotionally stable. Ive had depression since I was a kid, and when I feel bad I want to give up on life. I dont know if things would work between my exboyfriend and I, but I'm also not sure things are working out currently.We get in huge fights over things that I would have never guessed were so important. He is very angry that my cell phone bill is in another mans name. This is because I have bad credit and passed due balances with several companies. If I had some money, I could break my contract, but he won't help me do that. I am constantly broke because he insisted I waitress instead of dance. I enjoy waitressing but I'm also falling deeper into debt. Last night we had a big fight over my driving a coworker home after shift. He said he needs to be my priority rather than other people because he was waiting up for me, even though I felt bad about leaving her stranded at the restaurant where she didn't know when shed find a ride. I hate the arguements and I don't think well last together because of all the fights, even though he insists I'm the root of all our unhappiness
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): wait a minute, does your fiance know that you want to try to get back with your ex?? yes you two are very co-dependent. and the relationship is very unhealthy.talking on the phone 10 times a day is excessive. even more so if you live together! he is constantly worrying that nothing he does is good enough for you. he is deathly afraid of being alone.and you are constantly trying to leave yet never actually do. Also you do not want to have kids with him. Yet having kids is very important to him. THIS ALONE is what breaks apart relationships/marriages. Given enough time this will sooner or later become THE defining problem of your relationship, as if you need more problems. this relationship is very unhealthy. You should end it now regardless of how much he begs you to stay. don't worry, he will get over you in due time, if you allow him to by not pandering to his immediate 'need' to not be alone.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 February 2013):
 Something is definitely odd with your relationship. There are so many red flags going off right now and I can definitely see why you are concerned.
A lot of guys quit drinking to please their woman. However, once the wedding ring goes on they revert back to their old selves. He could be a "dry drunk" and he may have been an alcoholic. I don't know the extent of his drinking, but it sounds like he may have had a problem with it. The question is, is he truly reformed or is it just in remission.
The fact that you want to try and get back with your ex, also indicates to me that you are not into your man. If you are about to marry a man and you are still carrying a torch for your ex (or another man for that matter) indicates that your relationship isn't based on love -- it is based upon the fact that you are too scared to break up with him. That's hardly solid ground for a lifelong relationship together.
Are you trying to be the nice person here? You don't want to break his heart and hurt him and yet it sounds like you have a lot of misgivings and worst of all, I don't really think you love him through and through.
Before you get married, I would encourage you to talk to a professional -- a therapist. Sort out what is going on; your boyfriend hasn't convinced you that he "has changed" and he may be controlling you by the constant checking up. It sounds like he too senses your drifting and that's why he clings harder. By talking to someone neutral, you may get better insight into yourself and your relationship. Do this as soon as possible so that you can make a confident decision for your future.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 February 2013):
 WHOA!!!! You "want to get back with on of my (your) exs..."
Then, DO SO, and don't keep this poor fellow on the hook whilest you take your time growing up.......
Good luck.... (Even MORE "good luck" to HIM!!!).....
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A
female
reader, Take It from Meg +, writes (21 February 2013):
 Now is the time, not after you're married, to decide to stick with this relationship or not. You have one foot out the door. You see reasons to say. You see reasons to go.
Ask yourself this: Can you live with yourself wishing you'd done something different? What answers that question? If you marry this man will you wish you hadn't? If you don't marry him will you wish you had? Therein lies your answer.
People do change. People do grow. But that doesn't mean that you have to pledge your life to them in return.
Choose wisely. Marriage is an enormous decision, one people often take for granted. Divorce is ugly and hard (and expensive).
Good luck with it all!
Be great!
-Meg
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
 oh so this is not about the fact that this man has done EVERYTHING You asked him to do or that you are codependent.
you asked him to stop yelling he complied
he's a nice man and supportive of your goals
you don't say you love him. you say "i think I love him"
this to me means you don't love him.... if you question it it's not there...
why did you accept his proposal?
this actually comes down to the last paragraph where you said the key to all this:
"and I'm interested in trying to get back with one of my exes."
are you in contact with said ex? if not how do you know you want to try to get back with him? if that doesn't work out would you want to go back to the back up guy you're with?
if so it's simple
You owe this guy you are engaged to the truth.
you must break the engagement and be true to yourself.
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