A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have posted a couple of questions on here and always had good replies. This one really isnt a question, more a request for opinion. I have met this guy and been seeing him for about 4 months. He is 29 and I am 31, both of our relationships before were long term, mine a marriage of 4 yrs but a realtionship since age 15, him a LDR for 8 yrs from the age of about 21. I am still learning how to deal with the ex thing and the fact that he has a past (its hard sometimes but hey! I have to deal with it) however his ex is so much older than him she is 58 in fact. They still keep in touch with a call a few times a week, the split was his decision btw, and recently has been quite sharp with him as I think she is realising things are really over between them. I had a long talk about his contact with her and I do undersand more, she has no next of kin and very little friends, suffers with many health problems so he feels oblidged to make sure she is OK with a call each day. He says that there was not a romantic relationship between them properley for a long time and it was a LDR with a visit every month or every couple of weeks. They did try to live together at the start but couldnt and she moved back to her home town. He says there was never really a future because of her age and he knew this its just that it suited him at the time, no real commitment. He tells me that as he has always been into older women I am special as I am not in the 'older'bracket for a start and the difference is he wants to do things and see things and go places with me that he never wanted to with her. I know that he loves me, but his obligation to this woman worries me. I understand completely as I still care about my ex husband but not calling every day. I have mentioned my worries and he says its ok as she dosent want to talk to him anymore any way and showed me his last text from her, but of course I scrolled back and they do keep in contact lots, just how are you's and stuff but then the last few are her complaining he his always to tired to talk to her and its his life he can do what he wants and then the last one saying she dosent want to talk him and let her know when he wants to collect the rest of his stuff. I suppose I am just looking for comments and opinions really. Should I be worried, just accept it and see how it pans out. I have no doubt that they have split (as that was my first worry) and no doubt that he wants to be with me. Im just a little worried about all this contact still with her and his feelings of obligation towards her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much guys, you know when you feel as if its drving you slightly crazy. I think I will leave it as it is for a while and see what happens. It looks like it may work itself out as she realises he is not coming back. I think also he feels a little guilty.
I suppose its my jealousy that they still share things, even though he says its always just a hi how are you and stuff. He always trys to help her the best he can, its just the constant contact that worries me. I know he is only trying to be a friend to her but you know... the mind ticks over a little too much sometimes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): First of all, props to you for taking such an adult, measured, and mature approach to this issue. You are clearly a really caring person who wants what's best for everyone in a situation that's really difficult for you. Most women would not put up with this kind of relationship between their partner and an ex.
I am writing this because I, too, had problems with my current partner's relationship towards his ex. I'm therefore far too close to your situation to give you objective advice, but I can share my own experience with you, in the hope that firstly, you don't feel so alone; and secondly, that maybe someone else's story can have a happy ending too!
My partner's ex is a very spontaneous, sweet, generous person, but has also had a difficult life which has left her a bit needy and clingy. She is also prone to hysteria, threats, and tantrums when she doesn't get her way. Despite the fact that they'd been broken up for three years, when I started dating my partner, they still had a joint bank account because he was too scared to close it!! She would call him all the time, asking for various favours, from changing a lightbulb to taking her garbage out, and was generally a bit of an intrusive headache!
Here's what I did: I set a timescale in my head of 18 months, because I realized that there was a certain amount of disentanglement that had to happen (not emotional, I knew my partner was over her, but purely practical to prevent unnecessary suffering and guilt). From the start, I began to draw some very, very gentle lines - I said (in a non-conflicty way) that I understood that the ex would always have a place, but that the degree and nature of the emotional reliance was not particularly healthy for either party. I made it clear that I wasn't trying to cut all ties between them, but that we both needed to put the dynamic into a bit more of a 'normal' and healthy framework that would ultimately mean that it was more sustainable. I was lucky in that my partner agreed readily that the situation wasn't helpful or healthy, and said that he found the contact draining and difficult.
We started to discuss how we best managed the demands of the situation not as individuals but as a couple. This included things like - not always being on the end of a phone, but instead managing contact in a timetable that suited our routine, and sometimes saying 'no' to requests for help if we had other priorities (e.g. family visiting). This softly, softly approach sent a message without us ever having to be brutal about it, and gave my partner gathered confidence in managing the situation as he realized that he could navigate it without arguments and conflicts, and could set some boundaries without feeling guilty.
I also started to engage with the ex myself. At the start it was difficult, because I have to admit that I had moments of great insecurity and even jealousy of her hold over my partner, and I had to keep stopping myself and telling myself off for being irrational! Also, she treats everyone like a servant and I took this way too personally at the start, instead of realizing it's just her way with everyone, not just me! However, before long (once I'd put aside my feelings) I saw much to admire and like in her. She turned to me when she was struggling through a horrible relationship with a nasty, bullying guy - and, little by little, we became friends to the point that I am probably closer to her than she is with my partner.
Fast forward two years... the ex moved away to a town about 30 miles from here which gives us a bit more breathing space from the constant demands, though we still speak on the phone a couple of times a week and meet up regularly for drinks and meals. Also, my partner proposed, and we are getting married early next year.
So my no 1 piece of advice is: ignore the people who say 'exes shouldn't be in contact' - real life is so much more complex than any book, and there are many ways in which relationships are configured that don't fit into a narrow set of rules. My no 2 piece of advice is... I count myself in that! This is just my experience. Your case is very different in a number of respects. First of all, everything sounds very raw for this woman and I think you need to be a bit careful. The fact that you are so much younger than her will be a HUGE issue - she is facing the end of a long term relationship (that she probably wanted to last forever), on top of the the fact of imminently turning 60, which is a big milestone for any gal. She sounds like she's having some kind of breakdown, and is not particularly stable. Daily contact from your partner may actually not be the kindest thing for her right now - sometimes, people need space and time to get over something like this, and it's not always the case that trying to make contact is the best thing.
Trust your feelings! And your kindness. And your partner's care. You will get through this together, and you'll be all the stronger for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): I think he's just trying to look out for her. Its obvious he loves you, I can tell just from the question. I think it should end, but the only way it will is if you bring it up very gently. One wrong move and your in the middle of a huge fight. As the other reader said, try to reach a compromise. Maybe he'll call once every two weeks or once a month to check on her health, but no other contact. And don't worry about them getting back together or anything. She's almost 60, and it says he wants to do stuff with you he didn't want to with her.
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