A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Many people say not to start a relationship in the winter months for many reasons, especially if you have just broken off from a previous relationship. As winter is the time when most people become depressed and sad and this makes them want to seek out warmth and compassion in another person during these lonely not so sunny months, and in doing so they rush into a relationship because of all the romance in the air, then they're buying gifts, spending new year together, go out for hot cocoa, snuggling up, all the things that in normal relationships takes a while to fully commit to with a person. Not saying that if you're already IN a relationship sparks wont fly and you'll be happily snuggling up with your loved one. But is it a bad time to START a relationship as there is no sun, you're just naturally a little more sad, and want someone to hold while you could be just rushing into it because you dont want to be all alone in the cold! And your basically obligated to do everything you would do during the winter months that you would do for someone you truly loved and have been in a relationship with rather then someone you've only been with a few months?Just wondering if there are any thoughts on it or any personal experiences with starting a winter romance and then finding you're ready to move on when spring and summer hit and you're feeling much better about yourself! Thanks for any opinions or contributions to this theory.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Here's a thought. Why don't you try being the mature one and the strong one and make it a point NOT to get into a relationship with a new guy until you feel you are completely over this old guy.
After breaking off a relationship it really is a good thing to be on your own for awhile and get back to being who you are as an individual. Sometimes we get too dependent on another person and it is about dependency then not love. And even though you broke up with him I can see that you still have some very strong feelings about him and about that, you wish he hadn't been a jerk so that you could have stayed in the relationship.
But you know what you made a decision to break up at that time and you had a damn good reason to do it or you wouldn't have done it. Your heart didn't want to, but you know that you would never be happy in a relationship where a man disrespects you, abuses you in any way or makes you feel less than. Don't forget those reasons, you got to see the real him and what ever it was it was a deal breaker for you. He hasn't changed who he is.
You are just mourning the loss of your "relationship" with him and you feel bad that he has another woman and he is telling you how serious he is. This could be his way of getting back at you. He probably isn't all that serious, but he is with her and that is what you have to accept.
Do not talk yourself out of breaking the no contact thing at least for a month or so....
And why do you want to get back together with this guy?
Write down a list of the reasons why on one side of a paper and list the reasons or reason why not on the other and see if anything makes sense to you.
I want you to look at this paragraph you wrote. This says it all.
He has already said that things between still need to be resolved.
It is a myth that all things or issues can be resolved in a relationship, in fact about 90% of them never will be resolved. What you have to do is to come to some sort of emotional closure over them and move on.
You both have already done that, you chose they were big enough to end your relationship over."
so even though he might want to be fully into his new relationship he never will be 100% until him and i really have time to work things out without him being in another relationship or me being in one either.
"This is nonsensical thinking. What you are saying is that you have some emotional Hold over him because of unresolved issues from your relationship with him. Well, never is a very long time and you can have another relationship without the two of you having your stuff worked out.
What you ought to be focusing on are any Issues that you have individually that kept your relationship from working, I think you mention a couple further on down the line, let's take a look at that."
I think right now we are both trying to get over each other and basically find love again, no one wants to admit that they cant move on from a person, so i think we are both trying to have new relationships. And with him saying he wants to be with her forever i kind of think that's his immaturity they have only been together 2 months and he lost his father about a year ago and has been kind of dependent to always have someone there
"Here is a an issue for him, He lost his father and he has become dependent on a relationship to keep him from dealing with his pain over that. He is kind of immature and is possibly not ready for a serious relationship"
And I think deep down you know this about him and he did not make you happy. You feel guilty for pushing him away.
This does not make the basis for starting over again with him. In fact on again off again relationships can end up being abusive. This is why I think you are better off not talking to him even if he calls you. You made a choice about this relationship and you probably will just find yourself having to do that again if you go back....now is not the time, and that is OK, it happens a lot to people.
The gracious thing to do would be to wish him and his new girlfriend well. Should he become single again, and you are as well you can check in and see how things look in the relationship waters...but right now it is not a good time to even stick your toe in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, thanks for the advice, im really trying to put things in perspective. And the way i see it is, he told me i'll always have a hold on him, im not sayin we will get back together again i just think that he goes about things without thinking and i think he will end up getting bad karma from that. We both were contributing factors to the break up basically i think there is such as "loving someone too much" i think that we both loved eachother almost TOO much so the littlest things would bother us the littlest things could also make us smile. It was just a lot in any case i think going into another relationship from a serious relationship too fast definately has its downfalls. He has already said that things between still need to be resolved so even though he might want to be fully into his new relationship he never will be 100% until him and i really have time to work things out without him being in another relationship or me being in one either. I think right now we are both trying to get over eachother and basically find love again, no one wants to admit that they cant move on from a person, so i think we are both trying to have new relationships. And with him saying he wants to be with her forever i kind of think thats his immaturity they have only been together 2 months and he lost his father about a year ago and has been kind of dependent to always have someone there ever since then so i think thats what he is doing with this new girl. He knows there is a lot between us and we would have to work on things to get back together so being with someone new seems like the easier way out. But the grass isnt always greener on the other side. But what better way to try to move on then to be in another relationship i mean thats what most people do and your right only tell will tell. If him and I are meant to be then we'll be. I think he really wants us to be again, but right now he is trying to fill the void. I've delt with the break-up cried and cried done everything, i dont think hes fully done that yet. He still gets emotional talking about our break up. So for right now i think he is just laching on to the nearest thing to him, they have never been really great friends just buddies cause she hung out with his group of friends but nothing really serious. In a way while i was in a relationship with him i think i pushed him into maybe liking other girls because i didnt boost his ego enough and i think thats what this new relationship is doing for him and its making him feel like it will last. So his ego was really bruised by me and now he is loving the attention and adoration.
We loved eachother very much and never got tired of eachother but at the end he did get distant and when i would ask to hang out he would say no, so maybe things did really end before they physically did. But i dont think that is the case, a couple after we broke up i went to his house and he was crying and saying he was sorry he just hasnt known how to deal with things. And begged me to say, but that was months ago.
I think we both kind of "pushed" eachother into being in other relationships because he thought i was with another guy and i thought he was with another girl so we both probably had the same thinking "well, if shes moved on i will too" or "if hes moved on im going to do the same"
Thanks again for all your help i really appreciate it, I know you can only give more sort of general advice because you dont know the whole sitation and all its details.
The only thing is that im wondering if we ever do reconnect again how can we do that if i cut him totally out? I guess it would have to be when his current relationship is completely over. I would never try to break them up those arent my intentions he has already cheated on her with me so its been off to a bad start, i dont think they really have the foundations of being in a long-lasting healthy relationship so i dont it will go that far.
Me on the other hand am just having trouble moving on to other guys, i've greived as he hasnt, and now its the stage of trying to get over how "happy" he seems with another girl, and trying to date other guys and not always compare, it seems hes not comparing her to me or maybe in the back of his mind he really is, but now im just dealing with the fact of how serious his feelings seem to be about this girl.
About 3 months ago he did something i thought was inappropriate and i broke up with him changed my number everything and he came chasing after me, but then i felt good i was confident i cut him out was seeing other guys but then as soon as i gave him attention again, he totally cut me out and found a new girl and has been acting like a happy joe ever since, and ever since then i've just been so down about it.
And the only other thing is if he tries to talk to me being sincere i dont want to ignore him cause i think that creates tension or maybe it doesnt maybe it will just make him realize he cant do whatever he wants. Anyway right now ive accepted it but now all the guys i see just dont seem to be right, and im just trying to find the one so that i do can find a new relationship that will or may not last but at least i'll be doing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): No contact means no contact. If he calls you do not answer the phone, do not text him, do not return his calls.
You two are broken up and he has moved on and you do not owe him friendship.
It is really best that you just accept the break up and get on with your life.
You cannot "hope" that things will fall apart with him and this girl, you may want that, but we don't always get what we want in life. It won't do you any good to sit and pray about it either, just stay busy and find someone who is better for you than he is.
Did he break up with you? Why do guys move on so fast? Usually, they have either already moved on before ending the relationship or their ego's are really bruised and it makes them feel better to be in a relationship with someone new and get all that adoration and attention. They don't want to sit around and think and analyze the way we do, at least not some of them. Or it could be a possibility since this new gal is really an old friend that he truly does have romantic feelings for her. He told you he wants to be with her forever, that sounds pretty serious to me. Will he end up with her? Time will tell, but you just have to let him go otherwise it is going to make it that much harder to move on.
Moving on does not mean you will NEVER get back together again, but it is unlikely. I mean you two broke up for a reason.
I have broken up before in a newer relationship over a misunderstanding or because some ex girlfriend tried to break us up and succeeded. Those kind of break ups can be repaired. But when you have been with someone for a good amount of time and things just aren't working out either due to timing, circumstance, or you just plain don't get along or like each other all that much, then it is pretty much over. If it is commitment issues then you may have a shot, but it can go either way.
Stop thinking about him and get your mind on something else, I know it is hard, but try.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour absolutely right, i dont look at any "updates" i guess you could say of him anymore. And i havent contacted him. What do you think about not contacting him at all? some say this works others say it doesnt. I dont want to maintain a "friendship" with him because then he will technically have the best of both worlds. He clearly hasnt let our relationship go if he was just calling me up saying he wanted to be with me but is confused and is just basically leaning on this other girl for comfort. he hasnt delt with our break-up and i have a feeling this will show in his new relationship as he will probably be off and on with her. I have been focusing on taking those things completely away from him im just confused as what to do when he DOES contact me as he hasn't been able to go a month without contacting me. He always asks about my relationships which means he is not over me either, its so FRUSTRATING why do guys complicate the situations so much? And why do they enter relationships when they still arent over the previous one? I keep my opinions to myself, im just expressing them on here, but i do realize that he needs to come to his own conclusions without me interfering. I dont want to make him do any "rethinking" i just want some assurance that it most likely will happen because hes in the honeymoon phase with her now and i think when they dies away he might be rethinking a lot of things. Im just confused how does he WANT me to act when he contacts me? last time he did he expected me to jump to his feet. But it seems like the reverse effect would work better. I guess next time he contacts me i should ignore it or telling him im giving him what he wanted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): It isn't your responsibility to make him do anything especially "rethink" his new relationship.The more you do to try and mess with his new romance the more it is going to backfire on you.The reason he keeps contacting you while still with her is that he is testing you to see how you are going to react.Even though you two broke up, he still wants you to "like" him and not think he is a bad guy.But unless he is giving you some indication that he wants to be with you, then I would say he is trying to move on without you. The fact that this new relationship is actually an old one puts a new spin on things. Friendship is a pretty strong foundation for a romantic one...he may have had those feelings for her for a long time.To me it sounds like he is too immature to know what he really wants and if the relationship is going to backfire on him it will probably be for that reason, he doesn't know what he wants and he isn't in a position in his life to really settle down with one person.Anyway, the winter season really doesn't have much to do with this situation. He is with someone he has known for a long time and he is doing what he wants to do.Really it would be best for you to stop putting all your focus on him and what he is doing and who he is with. I know you want to know these things and I think you have all the answers you are going to get so that should satisfy your curiosity.And the fact that you still think you need to make him rethink his happiness is a clear sign that you are still holding onto this old relationship. You have to let it go.If there is something or some reason your break up was a mistake, then give him time to come to his own decision without your interference. You can state you opinions about his new romance or his new girlfriend if it makes you feel better, but you cannot expect it to have any effect on how he is going to conduct himself from this point forward.Now that he is in a relationship, the next time he calls you up and asks you what you think of his outfits you should tell him you don't want to be that involved in his daily life anymore, if he doesn't want a relationship with you then he isn't going to get the benefit of your emotional support, your attention or your help....take all of those things completely away from him so that he can truly see what life is like without you, give him what he wants, NO YOU.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just thought maybe the winter has a lot to do with relationships in general, i know how i feel during the winter, and many of my friends have been breaking off relationships and then getting a new one for the winter and getting back with there ex in the winter.
And no to rainorfire, i dont want to get back with him just like that but im kind of left unsettled with no answers it almost seems impossible for the human heart to move on that fast. He wasnt dating her before we even broke up but she has been his long term friend and i hung out with the both of them and they never seemed to be anywhere near intimate. But after we broke up, she was the closest thing he had so i think he just ran to her.
I havent been waiting around just having no contact with him and giving him his space while hes in this new relationship. And in an essence i did that when we broke up i moved on rather quickly and he got angry and still asked just about a month ago all the details and me and the new guy, he honestly might think its more serious then it is and being trying to outdo me by making it serious.
Either way i think things will just backfire on him, maybe if i move on and am REALLY truely happy then he will wonder why hes not truely happy in his new relationship? (Trust me i know hes not, just about a month ago..he kept calling, texting me telling me he loved me, sent me pictures to see if i liked his outfits, and would tell me about his personal family stuff going on) if he was so truely happy with her why would he seek out my approval? Anyway, right now im focusing on myself but i also am trying to think of some ways to get him to re-think his new relatiosnhip and his happiness in it. Any ideas?
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reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (7 January 2010):
 so are you saying you actually want to get back with your ex ewww, but any way back to your post im thinking maybe there is something to this winter thing also if you think about it the intmate holidays are in winter thanksgiving to valentines day and christmas and new years those are holidays to specificaly spend with your girl interesting but alas im single, well atleast they still air reruns of little house on the prarie
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I doubt the winter had much to do with it, he moved on really fast could be a rebound, or he could have been dating her before he broke up with you...I suppose you know the answer to that on.It probably won't last because he is on the rebound which means he is just trying to get over you without having to deal with his feelings.. I would not wait around to see if he wants you back though.The best thing to do is to agree with the break up and start doing the things you wantn to do, even go on some dates. That way your ex will wonder how you could be over him so fast....and that is what you want him to do wonder, just like you are doing now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice i agree with you also, but im referring to my ex we just recently broke up in Oct. And he started dating a girl come the first week of Nov. and i was reading about how men are more eager to start a relationship during winter months..and in an essence he has kind of already "replaced" me and it seems to me like what you said in "fake" way, he hates feeling down and usually does during the winter as i know him well, and i really think he is rushing into the whole relationship thing and i think it being winter he is rushing it even more he is already saying he wants to be with her forever and ever, and spends every minute with her just so he wont be coped up at home, so i think he is rushing her to spend all the time with him, however-i dont think it will last long i think as soon as spring and summer hit he will most likely want me back again. Cause hes only been with her 2 months over thanksgiving and christmas, and is already committing to her but its true i do think in a way he is "faking" through it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I think what happens in romances between men and women in your age group is that men tend to "fake" relationships that they start in the fall and winter months to have someone to hang out with and have sex with and they have no intention of being with that person long-term.
As soon as Spring rolls around and the chicks are in their bathing suits at the pool or jogging around the track, these pretenders are out of the relationship door and onto a new conquest.
You have to be a little suspect of any new relationship no matter what time of the year it starts if a man is rushing you for spending all of your time with just him.
There is nothing wrong of course with dating a guy in the winter months, but keep your wits about you and go a little slower and do not commit to one person before say 6 months.
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