A
female
age
41-50,
*K8833
writes:Below is a letter I wrote to my former lover explaining how I feel about him. I have no intention of sending it, I just needed to get it out there because I felt like I needed to get it out of me. Plus the therapist mentioned it would help :)My question is with these strong of feelings will they ever go away or even lessen? It's been 10 years and no change in the intensity. Anyone else been in this situation or have any advice to make it better. Thanks!!!Dear M,I miss you so much it hurts, it literally hurts my heart. I feel like I can't breathe and there is huge aching spot in my chest when I think of you (which is all the time). It's been 10 years and I still think about you and want you everyday. I thought time would make it better, that time would ease my pain, but the hurt is every bit as intense as it was the day you left. The time we spent together was the happiest time of my life, the sex we had was amazing and no one has come close to making me feel that way again. You made me feel beautiful, sexy, smart, and confident. You brought out the best in me. The connection we had was so easy, so free, and probably the closest friendship/relationship I have ever had with another person. I gave you everything I had to give, including my virginity. I am thankful you are the one who took my virginity though because in giving you that; you hold a part of me that no one will ever fill or replace. It bonds us together it will remain that way forever. You were The One, my other half, my soul mate. The day you left me for her I lost everything important in my life. That was without a doubt the worst day of my life. I lost my lover, my best friend, my confidant, and my heart. My life has been an empty hole and I find myself just going through the motions pretending that you don't matter to me and that I am happy and complete, but it's a lie. I miss you like hell. We are both married now and are no longer in touch. I hear through the grapevine that you are not happy in your marriage. I am not surprised, you married her because it was convienant, where being with me had complications. You took the easy way out and now we are both suffering for it. You know as well as I do, that despite the hardships we had stacked against us we were meant for each other. I am not happy in my marriage either. I lay in bed next to him, praying that I will dream of you. The nights I dream of you are wonderful, but I am crushed to wake up and find that it's another man next to me and not you. The worst part is that he's nothing at all like you. He's mean, selfish, emotionally abusive, and brings out the worse in me. He makes me loathe myself and feel like the ugliest, dumbest person in the world. I married him because I didn't think I could do better. When you left me it crushed me and he was there to take advantage a weak broken hearted girl. I want more than anything for us to reconnect and start over with each other. I'd give up everything in my life to be with you. I know that this can not happen because of our marriages, and circumstances outside our control; but a girl can dream, right? Right now I miss you so much that I'd I be happy just to hear you say my name. I'll never get over you, you were my one true love and I'll go to my grave with you on my mind. I love you, J
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): I read this letter and I have been going though the same thing off and on for over 10 years now. The reason that my issue has lasted so long with my ex is because he would keep popping back into my life when I tried to create distance. I actually moved away. He would still call even though I would never answer the phone when he called. He just wanted to use me for sex.... The problem is that I still loved the guy that he was when I first met him. In reality, he is mean to me, always forgot about me on birthdays and holidays even though I always remembered him. The part that bothers me the most is the emotional trauma that my ex put me through. He would always make subtle insults to me on the phone to make me feel unattractive, like nobody in their right mind would ever want me. I haven't dated in a very long time.....I guess I just don't want to take the risk of falling for someone and this crap happen all over again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): I cried when I read your letter.
It is kinda like the one I will say if ever I will make one for my ex. Anyway, i broke up with him almost a year ago and though the feeling is lesser painful, its only because I refuse to think about it more than I did before. But every time I remember how he left me for another girl, the pain is something I cannot describe. I don't have the exact word to describe it. I don't really know where the pain comes from but its killing me. I feel like I want to die. I cannot understand why this happened to me, can't understand why he did it.
I don't know what advise to give as I seek advise too. And your time in suffering is really a great amount of time compared to mine. But to me its slowly working that I don't myself time to think about what happened anymore. I just refuse to think about it as much as I can.
I know its a little too late to tell you to stop doing this to yourself as you've been doing this for 10 yrs but would you want another 10 yrs suffering like this? I suggest that you try all you can now to move on.
Good luck to both of us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): I don't know what to say to you other than I feel the same. It has been 5 years since my husband upped and left and I am now married to somebody else. I too think about him every day and the slightet thought of the past will send me off crying.
I think your particular interest has been reawakened by finding out that he is not happy in his marriage That sought of has opened the door for you. If you are going to go down the route of wanting him back or even thinking of sending a letter such as this one do make sure his marriage is over first and they are living separately. People hang on to their first loves and also it appears if they are the one that has been left in the relationship. It puts you into a kind of limbo land.
If you want to stop thinking about him you need to concentrate on what was wrong between you and why he ultimately left. For me I was wrapped up in the kids, gave him no attention and was too tired for sex. I don't think those points were unreasonable at the time but he clearly did. Try to concentrate on the bad parts of your relationship. It wasn't all sweetness and light or he would still be there. Try to gain more love and affection with your husband if you can. Dwelling in the past and mulling these points over and over is not healthy. It does stop you from moving on. I am the same but I try to look forward at what life can bring me and don't think so much of the past. I cannot change the past. I would give anything literally to have my ex husband back but it is never going to happen so I make the most of what I have. Effectively you are still grieving and that takes years and years to get over if at all. Try to limit the amount of time you dwell on him each day , give him 5 mins and then put him out of your mind until tomorrow - that also helps. Also ofcourse beimg busy and active also stops you dwelling. You have tuned your body to thinking of him in times of quiet or solititude and you need to re-wire yourself. Hopefully your therapist will be able to help you. Writing a journal is also very therapeutic. I am sorry that I cannot be of more help but I know what you are feeling. xx
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