A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey agony aunts and uncles! I have a question and I apologize for the novel I am writing. However, I feel the background information is necessary for my question.I have spent my years as an adolescent feeling like an old soul in a very young shell. Now, finally coming into my adulthood at the soon to be age of twenty, I have come to terms with this and have accepted the fact that I am not the typical college girl. I don't go to frat parties and drink my nights away. I'm not the typical social young adult who aspires to be popular and well liked. I have little interest in popular culture or gossiping on the phone. Rather, I am the witty and wise academic with the maturity of a forty year old. I would rather interesting conversation than a beer bong in my face. I'd prefer to read than to watch reality television. I'd rather debate you in politics than talk about American Idol. In short, I don't get along with most "kids" my age. Don't worry. I have friends and a social life. I realize I am not completely alone, but, at times, it does make me feel 'different' and isolated, as I am mostly submerged in a social atmosphere of typical college kids. (By the way, I'm not trying to be pretentious or smug. This is just, truly, how I feel about my situation.)That being said, I don't date much. Most of the men I am interested in are far older than I and are often my professors. I realize this is not appropriate and am forced to put my feelings aside. However, I cannot stand the typical frat boy and rarely find guys my age that I am interested in on an intellectual level. So, I resorted to the internet. I made a post on a known website, looking for a pen pal. I had many responses (many being crazed perverts), but finally they dwindled to one, who I will refer to as Ray. Ray and I have been chatting for roughly three months. We have a great deal in common and our personalities has seemed to click. We chat, e-mail, and text. We've shared pictures and everything appears to be on the up and up. I have no ill feelings about the situation. I believe Ray is overall a stand-up guy. He has never pressured me into sending him risque pictures and has never asked me if I own a webcam. We've talked about sex, but he always minds boundaries and is always as gentleman like as possible. I feel he is being completely genuine with me and is after my friendship, not what's inside my pants.However, he is 27, which is nearly eight years older than I. The gap isn't huge, but I realize we are both in significantly different chapters in our lives. He has already obtained a degree, a career, and a house. I, on the other hand, am living at home, financially dependent on my parents, and intently focused on my education.Despite this difference, Ray has been asking to meet. He has been rather sweet and patient on the issue, telling me to not feel pressured and that he also understands if I am hesitant because of the internet's sometimes dangerous nature. But, because of our relatively close proximity and our commonalities in personality, he has told me that he thinks we could become great friends in actual life. I agree with him and, honestly, am developing feelings for him. I know it sounds crazy, as we have never met and truly barely known each other. Though, I really want to meet him and feel this could develop into something great. However, I know I must be sensible and tell someone about Ray and that I am meeting him. I know it is essential to be safe and logical, even if my heart is telling me there is nothing to worry about. I am pretty close with my parents and love them dearly. The simple answer is to tell them and confide in them about Ray and our relationship, but I am afraid that they will forbid this because of his age and, most importantly, because of it being fostered through the internet. I know I am an adult, but, because of my love and respect for them and what they do for me, I will feel bound to do as they say. I can't lie to them. That is not an option, but I also cannot force myself to tell them. How do I tell them about my situation? What might be a good tactic to help them see this through my eyes? How can I make them see I am being safe? Despite my maturity around those my age, I feel like such a baby...Such an idiotic kid... It's tearing me up.I have told my sister, who I am also very close with. She has told me to pursue the relationship and to just be upfront and straight forward with our Mom and Dad. Her approval has given me hope, but I still cannot even entertain the idea of telling them, which I can't fathom why. I have entrusted them with so much about myself, but now suddenly I feel I can't tell them or be honest. Thus, I have been stalling, telling Ray I am busy or that I'm not ready every time he asks if I would like to meet for dinner or maybe a movie. I feel horrible for doing this to him and I feel too stupid to tell him my problem. Now Ray seems to be becoming discouraged about our situation and I think he is assuming that I truly don't want to meet him. He has told me that he has tried online dating sites and, that every time he has felt he might have a connection with someone, he has been deeply disappointed. (No, I don't think he is telling me this for sympathy. He has told me a few believable, detailed stories of his experiences.) He seems slightly discontented in his messages now. How can I be sure to dissuade him of this? I know the obvious answer is to tell him what's going on in my head, but I feel so ridiculous!Lastly, being someone who hasn't dated much, I have some slight self-esteem issues and am worried I will disappoint him. I've been honest with him and he knows what I look like, but still my brain tries to convince me I might not be good enough and he might turn me down. I know this line of thinking is irrational, as he would have stopped talking to me long ago if he felt I was inadequate. However, I can't shake the negative feelings. What can I do? I just don't know how to kick myself into gear and take care of this situation. I will deeply appreciate any advice on my situation. Thank you all so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, how about an update? :D
I finally told my Mom, as I could no longer hold it in! She was surprisingly positive and told me she trusted my judgment and that I'm a big girl who can make my own decisions. That was incredibly relieving.
Ray and I made plans to meet and talk at a coffee house in a neutral location, neither near my house nor his, and we finally met over the weekend. I was extremely nervous and, unfortunately, allowed my anxiety to get the best of me. I wasn't nearly as talkative as I might normally be, but I wasn't a silent awkward mess, either! He seems like a nice and normal guy and we made possible plans in a couple of weeks, ending our meeting in a hug. Sadly, I haven't heard much from him since then, but it has only been a couple of days. I did send him a quick text the following day, telling him I had fun and enjoyed talking to him, but promised to be more talkative the next time. He told me he enjoyed it as well and that he was nervous, too and not to worry. I just wish I could better judge his reaction to me!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): To me you seem like a very sensible person and I can connect to a lot of things you wrote about yourself.
What you describe sounds like it could turn into a beautiful relationship, but in my experience there's something missing which is necessary for this friendship or relationship to develop to its full potential.
You need to be honest to yourself and accept who you are. If you're worried, I'm sure you have valid reasons to be so. If you feel childish, I know where you're coming from, but it doesn't help to want to hide that from yourself. You should accept that this is who your are at 20 and that there is no need to change it. Or maybe there is, but you will change when you're ready for it and maybe you're not right not. Don't apologize for who you are and how you feel and don't try to hide it. If you feel like this 20 year old you can't have a relationship with the 27 year old guy, because your situations in life are too different, then you should clearly tell him, no matter how much it hurts.
If you don't want to do that, there are two other options. 1. Do whatever you feel it has to take to progress with your friendship or relationship and meet this guy in person. In your case that seems to mean that you need to talk to your parents about it. If you meet the guy without telling your parents, you're probably not going to feel okay about it. Listen well to how they react and think about if you want to adopt their opinion or if you feel you should disagree and then go from there. If you have serious qualms about telling your parents, ask yourself why that is. My guess: either you're actually scared of meeting this guy and possibly bursting the bubble that you get along well or you're scared of your parents forbidding you to meet him and thereby bursting the bubble.
Besides, you really need to be honest with this guy. Otherwise you won't have a good basis for a friendship or a relationship. If you can't confide to him why you're putting off the meeting, you won't ever be able to understand each other. Building a relationship can fail at every step because either person feels that you're not compatible after all. There is no precaution you can take against this and the best way to deal with it is to be yourself. That's the only way that will not leave you with regret when things don't work out.
Because I think you're so sensible, I want to tell you that you may feel like you're very mature, but you still have a lot to learn. And there's no shame in that. Maturity doesn't just fall into people's lap and it doesn't result from reading books. Maturity results from real-life challenges you have faced. And this is one of them. Deal with it wisely. ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): Oh gosh stop overthinking things! You need not tell your parents your sister knows so you can get security from that so I want you ro email him now and meet him in a cafe or poetry bar! Go for it!
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