A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Anyone who reads this will have to bear with me as I don't know if it'll actually be in the form of a question, therefore making it difficult to provide an answer, but I'd like to know what others have to say. I'm 19, about to embark on my junior year of college, and in a great relationship. Both being somewhat traditional, my girlfriend and I have begun to discuss marriage, should we in our relationship be propitious enough to make it past graduation. We both feel we will, as we're both madly in love. But I'm afraid. She's begun to speak of children, and I'm haunted by instances in my adoloscence. I fondled two of my second cousins when I was young, and humored several perversities. My father produced more daughters than he did sons, and I figure my first child will be a girl. I'm afraid I'll turn out to be some kind of freak who'd abuse his daughter (I know I wouldn't, but the consideration bothers me). I think I was molested as a Child, as I recall profuse self-loathing, conflicted sexual rumination, and odd feelings of discomfort. One of my father's girlfriend harrassed me, suggesting that I let her touch my testicals, and it's been with me since. From that point on (I was 13, I believe) I was very sexual. It's laid dormant for much of my life, but it's all come up recently when, coupled with talking about children with my girlfriend, one my cousins came by to see my mother and I. I felt sexual oriented towards his daughter, one of those girls who, pardon the vulgarity, "filled in early" and started getting her period when she was eight years old (she's 14 now, I believe). I want to disclose too much to my girlfriend because it would shatter her world. She lost her virginity to me and has said thatshe wouldn't know what do if she wasn't with me, save for maybe becoming a nun. I love her, too. I don't know if I'm asking for anything. I don't know if any of this coheres. I wish it would just go away.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): I am a sex therapist and when I saw your post, I felt really bad for you. I would recommend that you speak to a sex therapist or someone who is very familiar with treating someone who has been abused to help you understand your own sexuality and how the abuse has affected you. The majority of people who were abused do NOT go on to abuse--but some do. Understanding yourself and healthy sexuality would be a very worthwhile thing to invest in. If you don't have funds, try contacting a college or university in your area to see if they have a psychology or counseling intern program so you can get low cost or no cost therapy.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 April 2009):
 I think you have a great handle on the situation and will make a great father. You know yourself and will take the appropriate actions should you feel you need some help. You future looks bright to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome of you were very sympathetic and comforting, and I appreciate it, truly. I wouldn't say that I've found closure but I have attained some measure of tranquility. I was very relieved to hear that it is, in some sense, a natural. I've done some research and happened upon actual fathers with a similar fear. I guess my fear was in the end more a fear of being aberrant, that I'm hamstrung in some way. I've often thought about being a father, and once when I girlfriend told me she missed her period I was, though fearful of the implications, resigned, happy in a way that I would be a father. I'd like to be a father, but I wouldn't want to hurt my children. I do have a number of hangups from my adolescence, and I plan on getting help for them. Thanks to all those who replied. I still hope for more feedback.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Stop torturing yourself, Dude. Much ado about nothing, it sounds like to me. Your riddle with guilt; taht's the problem. Kids are curious about sex, and sexually explore, even without knowing or understanding what is going on; it's a natural curiosity. Almost always harmless, unless, for example, you were a older teenager molesting a child... but that doesn't sound to be the case at all for your description. You have a young developed hard body, though youmg, you're a guy, and you're going to notice -- it's normal -- so long as you don't act on it!! (Remember the Academy Award Winning movie, American Beauty?!) Human sexuality is both simple and complex, if ya know what I mean. You don't need counseling, except if you keep on torturing yourself. And you don't need to share these thoughts with your GF. Also, tyou were unlikely molested -- you sound like you had a normal adolescence to me. Get over wanting to identify yourself as some victim or sexual freak. You've let guilt over normal, crazy, adolescent thoughts (every boy is nuts about sex at 13, 14) overtake rational thoughts about yourself. Enjoy your GF. Enjoy life. Nothing you have said sounds so outrageous. (You have not said that you have sexual thoughts/fantasies involving children; if you do, tat's entirely different.) Lighten up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): You recognize that these feelings are problematic and not acceptable in today's society and I think that's a good first step. Yes, you CAN be the one to break the cycle. I'd encourage you to seek counseling about these issues, and to take your girlfriend with you if you feel she can handle the knowledge about your past. Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): if you have all the doubts and torturous thoughts i suggest you are in need for major conselling.
later on your gf will also have to go into conselling so that you both know what you are dealing with.
i am just hoping that you do not turn out like what you fear you will. You have deep rooted issues and only a professional can help you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): I might be alone in suggesting this, but I think for now you should keep this to yourself. Congratulations on having the character to admit your weaknesses and think things through. The ugly truth is that sometimes grown men can form inappropriate attractions to girls who are too young. But, you can learn to control it. As long as you know yourself and know what situations to not put yourself into, then you just might turn out to be a great father.
You sound very mature and have experienced a lot of introspection. Your feelings are not wrong, but how you choose to act on them makes all the difference. Young girls have their own sexuality, they are sexual beings, and you are not a monster for feeling aroused in some way by that - especially since you are so young yourself! A person who does things with a young girl when they are young is not necessarily a paedophile. And being molested at your age is not your fault, and does not predict or explain your desires now. You might not believe it, but many men go through this inner conflict. Keep it just that though - inner. Learn to accept and keep under control these feelings that do happen, and you should be fine. I applaud your maturity, but I wouldn't blow this out of proportion.
The more you pathologize sexuality, the uglier and more perverse forms it takes when it manifests. Keep things light and the tone healthy, and don't beat yourself up, and you have nothing to worry about. When you have kids, you will hopefully be able to separate out your role as a father from any inappropriate desires you might have.
I really wish you the best of luck! :)
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