A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Its kinda complicated. Me and my partner (who is married) have been off and on for 4 years now. I met him when we were working together overseas for a year, after two months of being close friends we started being intimate. We pretty much knew it was just a fling the whole time we were messing around, well about the 4th month in he told me he loved me, I ignored it due to the sitiation (but I love him). Once we came back home he moved out of his familys house and moved to another state due to his work, we visited each other and continued a relationship. Well his wife found out about us and started ubgging him about it, he asked for a divorce and she flipped. They have three kids and now trying to take everything from him. We started getting serious but then he broke up with me because she was threatning him with taking the kids and all his money so he went back to her. 4 months later he wants to get back together, well I had already moved on and was dating a new guy (who I was really just using to get over him) we messed around again. I was leaving for work overseas again for another year and figure that would be the end of us. He deceided he wanted to go with me. The issue now is that once we got back together we decided to take eachother seriously, he is not totally divorced yet he saids that he cant do nothing while we are overseas cause she doesnt want to sign, he hasnt live with her for 3 years now. He admitted to sleeping with her while me and him broke up, which Im ok with ( I also slept with my new guy) except the fact that she got pregnant and now he has a 3 month old child with her that he doesnt even know cause he is with me working overseas. Im scared that when we get back he will not go thru with the divorce and that he will be presurred in to staying with her when we get back. Help what do you guys think...should I stop waisting my time and break off with him or take his word and believe he will follow thru ( by the way he is my boss and his wife knows that our company would fire us if we were caught fratenizing specially cause he is still technically marry and she is threatning him with that too) He saids he loves me and that wants to live with me ....HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): Thanks you guys, I have distance myself from him, I told him I need to know when his divorce be finalized and whats the plan, if I dont get proof of this Im moving on
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (13 April 2011):
I don't think you should believe him when he says he will finally leave his wife because history has shown that he's very unreliable. Either he's dishonest and just telling you he wants to be with you to keep you around as his bit on the side, or he's just too weak and messed up to decide what he wants and stick with it.
either way, whatever his motivations for his behavior, this guy is a mess. And that's why you can't rely on him or trust his words. Already he is messing his family up, and he's messing you up as well.
You said he asked for divorce and she flipped out so he stayed. This is a very cowardly and dishonest and disrespectful reason to stay in a marriage, and yet he is doing it. This speaks volumes about him.
Then he slept with his wife that he supposedly doesn't want to be with and wanted to divorce from, and got her pregnant all over again so he now has 4 kids with her. Why would a man get a woman pregnant whom he doesn't want to be with?? Again, another strike against his character.
Then he kept breaking up with you and then coming back. He can't make up his mind, or he doesn't have the guts to stick with one course. This also doesn't speak well for his character.
Giving him the best benefit of the doubt: let's say he's not lying when he says he loves you and is not intentionally stringing you along. Even if it's true that he loves you and is just too weak to get a divorce, it's still the truth that by being too cowardly to get divorced, he never will be divorced. Unless he grows a pair, there's no reason this time will be any different.
Divorce is never easy, and yet many people manage to do it and move on to a healthier life. Marriage should be a voluntary relationship, divorce exists to terminate a relationship that's no longer voluntary.
I think it's very likely that if his wife pressures him to stay with her, he will. (and she must be pretty messed up too if she actually wants him to stay with her under duress and against his liking). History has shown that he is too weak or scared to leave her. and weak people dont' make good life partners because even if you "had" him for real, it wouldn't take much to steal him away from you either.
You could try to use her tactic on him, and take advantage of his weak character to pressure him to leave her and hope that if his heart belongs to you, that he will cave in to your wishes instead of to hers. But seeing as how she has the distinct and powerful advantages of having 4 kids with him (which I'm sure she can and will use as pawns to guilt him into never leaving), and that divorce is expensive, it would take a man a lot of guts and nerves of steel to go through with a divorce in such a situation. And he has already shown he doesn't have these qualities.
It would of course be better for you if he realized how messed up he is and takes the stand of going through with the divorce he supposedly wants. But, that is for him to decide. If he does not show any signs of such personal growth any time soon, I think all you can do is to protect your own emotional health which would mean leaving him and not waiting around on him letting him continue to take you on a roller coaster ride.
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A
female
reader, little_3_eyes +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Listen, you are the only one who can make these decisions about your life, but the truth is this: he has the best of both worlds. He has a kid (and shame on them for thinking a kid could save their marriage) and he is still married. He has a little bit on the side (you) to run to and whine about when he has problems with wifey. He is *never* going to leave her, and if he did, *you* would become the Evil Wife and he would have a girlfriend. That's the way men like that are. You need to leave him and forget him!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): "have three kids and now trying to take everything from him"I love it when I hear this from the new wife, or mistress. What do you expect? Really, she has three kids she has to look out for, and their interests, and their future, and when the guy leaves he usually leaves all that in second place, gets the new wife, and has new kids, and acts like the old ones never existed. Think it doesn't happen, well think again. I'm married to someone it happened to, I dated someone years ago who was treated worse than that, and I knew someone long ago who lived in poverty with her mother and siblings while her father and his new wife lived it up on his income while he ignored the prior progeny.So, what does this have to do with you?He is still married. He has more kids with her. He is using you and you need to find the resolve to get away from this mess. Tell him to get lost. Get yourself unlost. Get professional help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): He is married..Why do you want all this drama...This relationship is unhealthy...Find someone single and learn your lesson from this...It is not right or in your best interest to date a married man
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): No matter how you try rationalize it, you are just a mistress who is holding onto broken promises and being sold fantasies by a married man who just wants to have his cake and eat it too. This man does not love you and is probably never going to leave his wife. Do not be naïve here, you are being sold lies that are gift wrapped. Its not about money, the kids or the wife not wanting to sign those are all just pitiful excuses that he is using to keep you around. And you being the naïve desperate women you are you swallow those lies whole! Catch a wake up sweetie you are on a boat that is sinking fast and its up to you whether to stay on it or not. 4 years is a long time to waste on somebody unworthy of you but 4 years and a day is even worse.
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