A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is kind of complicated so I apologize in advance. This guy and I were initially work friends who hooked-up. He had broken up with his gf a couple months prior and I ended things with my bf during that summer. I assumed that we would have our fun and then go our separate ways in September since we went to different schools about 2hrs away from each other but somehow things didn't go that way and now, about a year and a half later we're still... I dunno... This is where I'm confused.We're pretty much together except we don't call it that. - We talk to each other every day (some combination of phone, text and emails), - neither of us are seeing or sleeping with anyone else, - we recently made a conscious decision to meet each others friends, - as of recently, we openly hang out at each others houses even when our parents are around- we spent new year's weekend together(his idea) and we both had a great time and he wants, as he calls it, "play house", again- He keeps encouraging me to share and be more open with each other, which I was always reluctant to do in what started off as more of a friends with benefits relationshipAnyway, I'm pretty sure he's developed feelings for me as I have for him but I know he's still really close with his ex and talks to her fairly regularly (whereas I don't talk to mine at all). Also, the reason they broke up, as far as I know, was that he didn't want to be in a relationship at the time but he could see himself being serious with her so it wasn't because they were having problems or anything. At the time it was no big deal because I'd just gotten out of a terrible relationship myself and had no desire to get into another.I just feel like I'd digging myself into a hole here... The more time we spend together like this, the more "relationship-y" it gets without it actually being one and I have no idea what his intentions are. And deep down I feel like in the end, whenever he does want a relationship, he's just going to go back to her. I mean, I'm in no rush to be committed because things between us are working fine and we're both happy with the set up but the fact that I'm noticing him talking to his ex more is starting to encourage the gnawing thought in my brain that I'm just for now, despite how well he treats me. Should I say something to him? Will I sound crazy if I mention this concern? Should I even ask him anything about his ex? Help please?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): "I have no idea what his intentions are"
"Will I sound crazy if I mention this concern?"
You are crazy for not doing so. I'm a lot older than you, old enough to be your father, and this is an old story for a lot of women my age, and men as well. You really need to take care of yourself.
Not saying something may cause you to get very hurt, and you may be ready to get very hurt anyway at this point, but at least you can be prepared.
You really need to say something, and now, for your own mental health later as well as now. That hurt can last for years and years and years, and intrude on future good relationships and harm them.
I'm a guy, and I'd never do this, but I've seen guys do it, and I know the gals do it as well.
They break up with someone, and then spend time with "someone who is 'good enough' for now" but who they'd never even remotely consider for a long term relationship or marriage. They are still looking for the "right one" while they are with this person.
I'm married to someone who was treated like this, by the same guy, more than one time. She always thought when they got back together that he was "coming back to her", he even flew her to meet him and stay with him on vacations, etc.
What he was doing was still looking for "the right one" and she was never that person, never. She thought she was becoming that person.
At their last get together, he called to see her, wanted to see her. The have a nice day, and she never saw him again.
Why?
She said, "I am in love with you."
She never saw him again, never heard from him again, after years of actually loving him, and it hurt for a long time to realize that she was never more than a "temporary" fix.
Protect yourself.
A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (10 January 2011):
Sounds like you have a simple thing to do - talk to him about it all and see how you feel about it all.
It seems you are pretty much in a relationship already.
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