A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:so there's this guy that i have been seeing, he has an ex girlfriend though and they just broke up 3 months ago, i know that seems like a while but they also went out for like 3 or 4 years maybe more maybe less i'm not really sure, long story short they went out for a long time and were off and on at times. he would see girls while they were on breaks and then eventually go back to her. we've been hanging out and talking for like ...a month or so or more and i actually am starting to like him but its his friend's birthday tonight and his ex is best friends with her too and so they're going to be at the bar at the same time....they have been talking "as friends" i'm told and i believe it but they only broke up because of distance and because they both cheated all the time and couldn't trust each other anymore...i don't know the whole story but that's all i've been told. HELP should i be worried? i've been told i'm prettier than her but i think she's really pretty and she looks more outgoing than me , as hard as i try i'm afraid i wont be able to compete with her and the truth is they were pretty cute together... but i like him and i wanna know if you think i have a shot still? i'm scared they'll hook up tonight and i won't find out or im scared i will find out that they're getting back together..
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female
reader, sianybarney  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 Hey hun, one thing to remember here, we cupids are only here to give our advice on the information you have told us, obviously we dont know everything or the whole story. You know this guy better than any of us here and if you think hes worthy of keeping than you do what you think is best.
However, you say you are not in denial and that he is a great guy, then how comes you are worried in the first place. If he was a great guy you wouldnt have a reason not to trust him and worry if he will get back with his ex. It also seems that you need your friends approval of him, which you wouldnt need if you were sure he is a great guy.
I suggest you do whatever your heart tells you to do and i think waiting a little while to see how things go with him is probably the best thing you can do in this situation. If this friend of yours is a good, honest friend and they say he is a good guy, then i suggest you trust them and see how things go.
If you think everyone deserves a second chance, then i would actually give him a second chance and trust he wont cheat on you or get back with his ex. Your not really letting him have his second chance by worrying about it.
I think you should wait a week or so and if he doesnt contact you to hang out, i would just move on. I would give it longer than a couple of days though as he may just be busy.
Good luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I forgot to mention that in the past the reason they cheated was apparently because of distance, this is according to his best friend's girlfriend who is also my friend. Apparently he is a really good guy, I don't ever need to call him to get together, he'll call me and we usually hang out every other day to every 3 days. The last time I saw him was on Tuesday morning because we slept at his friend's house and then my friend who is his best friend's girlfriend, like I mentioned drove me home. I haven't talked to him since that morning. Some of my friends say I should be worried a others say I shouldn't be worried at all because apparently he mentioned buying me a gift for christmas and we have only been hanging out, w'ere not an item or anything so I think that is a good sign? I know I probably sound like I'm in denial but I'm just standing in the middle, I go from thinking I'm completely fine, like he didn't do anything and then I start thinking of everything else and all other people this has happened to and I am worried but I'm also not, just because everyone seems to think he really likes me and he's a huge cuddler and is always kissing me and apparently he is a really really great guy, even my guy friends who know him say that he's great and they're so picky, every guy I've ever dated they've had something negative to say and now they haven't said anything.I know once a cheater always a cheater but I've had my share of messups once but I was forgiven and I think everyone deserves a second chance plus apparently she was his first and only real serious girlfriend and they cheated. I've been told just because they both did it and they couldn't trust each other any more, another reason they broke up... and I dunno, I just wanna see how it pans out but I am still worried. I haven't seen him since Tuesday morning and it's Thursday. He would usually call to make plans by tonight or tomorrow so I think should I will give him to like Monday/Sunday, to call me? and if he doesn't should I give up? because that'd be the longest we'd go without hanging out and I think I'd get the hint... By the way, thank you so much for all your feedback!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): if he's cheated on his ex in the past, then he obviously doesn't take his relationships seriously. things with you will not be any different!
think like him for a second: you've only been together for a month, should he feel 'obligated' in any way to be faithful to you? he wasn't faithful to her, and if he's the cheating type, it's likely he'll have sex whenever it's available. regardless of how serious the two of you become, do you honestly think he'll ever be faithful to you? his past should answer that question.
i think you need to move on. this guy sounds like bad news and you already sound too involved. this situation is going to end badly for you and it couldn't be more obvious. this guy is drinking with his ex tonight.. if she's cheated on him in the past then she obviously doesn't think twice about putting out, and if she knows the two of you are talking i'm sure she'll be jealous and want to come in between that.
if i were you i wouldn't even talk to the guy, but i have a feeling you really like this guy and aren't going to give up on him too easily. if that's the case, let me give you a word of advice: play hard to get. if you aren't so available he'll be more interested in you. do your own thing. have hobbies and interests. talk to other guys. hang out with your friends. don't answer his calls everytime and if you call him back don't tell him why you didn't answer. just don't be so available! if he thinks you like him so much he won't even think twice about sleeping around, he probably thinks you'll put up with it even. the more uninterested you act, the more guys will want you. i tried this one time with a guy i liked, it worked, and i've been doing it with guys ever since. he will be eating out of your palms in less than a month. you will turn the tables on him and confuse the hell out of him, he'll be interested in why you aren't so interested in him anymore. guys love the 'chase' and this guy sounds like he wants the 'chase' more than he wants an actual relationship.. he's the perfect candidate.
regardless of what you decide to do, you have to distance yourself from him in some way. you can't be head over heels for this guy or you are definitely going to get burned. the same goes for most guys. don't get involved unless he's actually a good guy, and even then be careful!
hope this helps =)
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female
reader, lacuti3  +, writes (17 December 2008):
BECAREFUL!
Ive been here before! He might be a great guy, and he might have good intentions, but there is always something there with exes especially if they were together for over a year.. that takes alot. anyway, i say dont give up..hes not even with her.. so give it a shot
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female
reader, starfairy +, writes (17 December 2008):
 Be VERY wary. It doesn't sound to me llike they are over each other - whenever I have broken up with someone, all contact is cut, and you get over them and move on. After a year I think you can safely have moved on and explore being friends.
Having been together 3-4 years and only broken up a few months, feelings are still WAY too raw for them to "be friends". You can't just move on like that.
I was in pretty much the same situation with my last ex. He had been with his ex for 4 years, I got with him when they had been broken up 4 months. But she was in his life so much, every time we argued he would run to her for advice etc, pictures would turn up on Facebook of the 2 of them when I didn't even know they would be at the same place, even a close friend of mine told me my ex had confided he still loved his ex (which he denied!), it got too much for me in the end and I broke it off after a year (stupid me for hanging around so long!). It's no fun at all feeling second best.
Message me if you need to chat x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): They cheated on each other and you and his ex both still want him? If he cheated on her with other people, why would you think he's not cheating on you with her or other people, or if he's not cheating now...maybe he will cheat later.
Yes, he's probably cheating on you with her and/or a bunch of other people, so if I were you, I'd only be using latex condoms all the time, or he is going to give you something like AIDS you can't get rid of, or maybe even get you pregnant, too, so I hope you are using latex condoms all the time or just dump him now. Pray, read the bible, find a nice guy at church. There are good men around.
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A
female
reader, sianybarney +, writes (17 December 2008):
Be vary wary of this guy.
You said that when he and his ex break-up he sees other girls. It seems to me that you are one of these girls and i would be worried he will eventually go back to her again if i was you.
Also if youve been told that he cheated on his ex, then he will most likely cheat on you if things were to work out between you. Once a cheater always a cheater.
If i was you, i would stop seeing this guy and move on. If not you will be hurt eventually, the pain would be far less if you get out now. Even if he doesnt get back with his ex, his track record should be enough for you to say no to being with him or seeing him.
A guy should never make you compare yourself to his ex and you should listen to your intuition. If you feel like he may go back to her, then you obviously can not trust him.
I say move on and find someone who will make you feel special and the only one.
Good luck x
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