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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid, I am a 22 year old female and I have been with my current boyfriend for 2 years. Our relationship has been nothing but up and down from the beginning. We have broken up four or more times, and we argue quite frequently. My friends and family tell me constantly that he is not the one for me because he doesn't treat me well enough, which more times than not, I agree. However, my main goal in a relationship is stability and comfort, knowing the person is always there for me because I rarely had that growing up. He does provide that, even though he'll tell me to shut-up or do or say other things that to me are unacceptable (like the B word). He often says that women are (insert negative comments), which I think he partly does because his mom left him and his Dad and he feels abandoned by her. (Keep in mind he is almost 31). So I feel I am often punished because of his past. His Dad acts and talks the same way about women. Also, another problem is he is in tens of thousands of dollars in debt and he continues to spend money he doesn't have. Then he says we can't get married until all of his debt is paid off. I continue to stay with him even though I feel bad about a lot of the things regarding our relationship. I can't seem to just cut the ties. I love him and want him to change (and he has a little), but I don't know if this is right. I am more scared of being alone than of being with him. Advice please. Be honest- I can take it.Sincerely, Anonymous
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): I don't think that this guy is the one for you because if he can sit there and call you the B word then maybe he does'nt like you or he's just using you. I agree with your mom. And I would have to bet that you are afraid of being alone. If you really truly love him then I think that you should talk to him about how you feel and give him a couple of weeks and if he does'nt change I would break up with him.
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (3 January 2006):
 I bet when you finished writing your posting to this site that you had a good idea as to what people would say and I also reckon you already know the answer to your situation.
However, emotions and fear do have a nasty habit of getting in the way, don't they?
You do indeed deserve so much better; you should be treated with love and respect but I guess we should on this site be aware of the fact that the other person may put across a different story; there are two sides to every story.
Why does he think you argue too much? Is he willing to go to counselling and sort out his somewhat misognistic view of women? Does he recognise the fact that he needs to change in order for your relationship to work or does he just blame you?
You need to also work out why it is that you are scared of being alone and find ways and means of building your confidence and independence without him. If you could realise that there is more to life than just him, you may be able to release yourself from the relationship.
Try talking to him and then be honest with yourself on the basis of his answers as to whether you think the relationship has much chance of success.
I know how frightening this is for you but always keep in mind the fact that though breaking away from your boyfriend may be terribly hard, the future is something to look forward to especially when you meet a man who is capable of loving and respecting you without any problems.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Dearie, i think ur family and friends are right here. please dont waste anymore of your time with this guy. He isnt treating u right and u have admitted it now its time to get the strength and move on.
I noticed in your posting u indicated u are afraid of being alone more than of leaving him. Maybe that is why u havent left really. But what u should consider is by staying with him u are missing the opportunity of meeting other great guys who will treat you the way u deserve with respect.
I too had a break up about 7wks now. i was initially scared of leaving him not becos i loved him cos he did alot like he lied and didnt treat me right. now i am involved with someone else who is totally devoted to me and treats me with so much love and respect.
My own advise is that u should find the heart to move on.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (3 January 2006):
The question really is, does HE want to change? You can't make someone change who does not wish to, and likewise, you can't change what you don't acknowledge, so if he doesnt see and admit there is a probelm then he cant change either.
You know that the way he treats you is due to his past expeirences, as growing up as a child. He must have alot of undealt issues and feelings stored up inside of him.
Part of what you can do, is ask him about how he felt when his mom left. Get him to express his feelings to you.
You know why I think he is treating you like crap? Because he fears so hard that you will leave him, like his mum did. So he thinks, 'well to protect myself im gona have to make sure she will put up with me even if im a bad person'. So he keeps testing you, and trying ti hurt you to see if you will give up and go away. And believe me people who do this, do continue till they do push the person away, then they are left lonely and will be like 'i was right, i knew they would leave me'. The only way to deal with his issues, is to get professioanl help. YOu can't do it. I suggest either you both go into relationship counselling, or atleast he himself goes and sees a counsellor to talk about his past. He needs to tak about it with a profesional who truly understands and knows what ot say and how to deal with it all.
I stronly suggest you tell hikm that you hate how he has lack of respct for you and so on, and all the other things he does to upset you. Then say that you are NOT willing to put up wiht this anyore and that if hewishes to keep you that then he willchange and WILL see a counsellor. if he doesnt agree then I say leave him. Because his chances of changing are zeor, he wont change, enless he gets thaat help. if he hasnt changed in 2 ywars time, then what is going to make him change in the nect year? only counselling!
also remember, its not fair that you are being punished for the way he is treating you, you shoudlnt be, thats why you need to do something about it. I understand that you want stability and secuirty, yet is it really thhat secure but you can be secure in life and have stability with out a bf, cant you? after all its not like he is rich is it, you said he is having fiancial problems.
I think you really have to think about what is more importnat, your EMOTIONAL well being, or a feeling of security and stability, which mind you, I cant see how he really gives you. in the end, if you put up with what he is doing, you will be so worn oiut that you as a person will change and wont cope well, thats why somethign needs ot be done. either you leave him or he gets the professioanl help.
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A
female
reader, Tinkz  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Honestly,
He is not going to change. If he was going to change then 2years should be long enough to make a change.
How can you stay with a man who verbally abuses you?
If debit collector come looking for there money and he doesn't have it, do you think they going to come to?
Yes it's sad that this is the way that he has been brought up, but you deserve so much better.
The thought of being alone is scary, but angel you only 22, thats my age, we are so young so much to explore, start looking for that type of relationship in a year or so.
We have so much in common already, I never had stable family, i went to 7 different schools moved all around, and i ended up in a relationship at 19 for 2 years and when things ended i fell apart, but with good friends, they'll catch you before you hit the ground and help you up slowly.
At 31 his head isn't screwed on properly and that is not what you need!
Find someone who will appreciate you and without so much baggage!
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