A
male
age
51-59,
*hought_I_KnewSomething
writes:Hello all. I recently asked for advice about how to renew the spark in a very argumentative marriage. I recently found out some news that explains a lot about the arguing.My wife told me last night that she doesn't trust me. She said she just expects me to leave her at any moment. Here's why:When we were engaged, we argued a lot about little things. It got worse and worse, and finally I told her that we needed to work on some things if we were to get married. Things improved, and we married. Things were great until we started trying to get pregnant. Then, we started arguing even more than before. I was working full time and taking a class at night to prepare me for grad school, and we were arguing nearly every other day about trying to get pregnant. I told her in a therapy session that I wasn't sure how we were going to raise a child this way, if we are fighting all the time.Now, 3 years into the marriage, with a 5 month old child, she tells me she doesn't trust me. I think this is the root of our arguing. I don't know what else I can do to cultivate trust. I work my butt off every day for the family. I stayed in the marriage! I'm still here! I quit my steady job of 9 years to go to graduate school so I could earn more money for the family. We bought a new car together. The point is, I'm still here 3 years later, and she still doesn't trust me. Honestly, I don't know what more I can do. How can I improve this situation? I've never cheated, never lied, never done anything except tell her when I've had issues with the relationship. I think I'm a good husband. Does this warrant a failure of trust? Thank you.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 At first thought the men broke it off with her. It's her that had commitment issues. So it could be guilt and the fear of punishment of what she did. Anyways I am not sure what she is expressing here. Let the therapist clarify things.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 August 2011):
She needs to tell the therapist the reason why she has trust issues is because two of her engagements were broken off and that crushed her self esteem. The hurtful feelings were never processed and dealt with. The therapist would tell her how to handle this, and how not to think of you as the man who could do this to her.
You need to help her feel that she is indeed worthy of love and history does not need to repeat itself.
You should not focus on what other things she has been hiding. This is not about her being wrong for not telling you, it's about revealing vulnerability and she is scared being judged. Let her deal with one thing at a time. The more questions you asked her the more she feels judged.
It is a good thing finally you get to deal with the root of the problem.
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A
male
reader, Thought_I_KnewSomething +, writes (25 August 2011):
Thought_I_KnewSomething is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all who responded: thank you.
Here's an update, and I'd like your advice, please.
When I asked her why she doesn't trust me, she says that it's because at two important junctures in our relationship (marriage, children), I told her that we needed to work on the relationship for these things to work, and that now she's just "waiting for me to leave her." I assured her that I am still here, and would have left long ago had I not thought it could work, especially now with our daughter.
A little later in the conversation, we were talking about honesty and trustworthiness in the marriage, and that she in fact appreciated me being honest about my doubts about our ability to withstand marriage and kids, though it hurt to hear. Then, she blind sided me a bit and said "I need to tell you something." She confessed that her first engagement, when he proposed she told him "I don't know," but still wore his ring for 3 months, then broke it off. This isn't a lie, but it was withheld information, so lying by omission. Originally, she told me that he proposed, she said "I don't know" then broke it off later. She said nothing about a ring, much less wearing it for three months, and I never asked "how much later did you break it off?"
I am angry, and I told her that she should have told me this before. She agreed, and said she was afraid I would think she was "careless in love" if she told me (her second engagement, the guy broke it off. Her third was me.)
I don't know how to feel about this. I'm glad she told me, but I'm upset that she kept this information from me. How do I bring this up in a productive way when we go to therapy? Should i be worried that she's keeping other information from me?
Thank you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): This is not your problem, this is HER problem. You need to not let her put the responsibility on you to make her feel OK when she's unable to. Unless you have psychic mind-control powers there's just no way you can make someone feel less insecure, and if you agree with her that it's your job to make her feel OK, you're guaranteeing you will fail and she will blame you. She has serious insecurity issues (could stem from bad past experiences) and rather than doing the hard work of dealing with her issues and becoming an emotionally more balanced person, instead she's making it your job to take care of it for her. She's taking the easy way out. Instead of pointing the finger at herself, she's pointing it at you.The fact is, you CAN'T make her trust you beyond being trustworthy and transparent which you already have been doing. You've done all that is humanly possible. If that's still not enough for her, that means the rest of the work has to be done by her to help herself feel better. She may need psychiatric treatment to deal with her fear and insecurity. She may need individual therapy (not couples therapy because this is not a relationship problem it's an individual's problem) or even medication. Whatever she needs, that's what she needs. Don't do anything different because you're already doing everything that any sane person would do. The more you contort yourself to jump through hoops, the lower her threshold for insecurity will be and it will never end. It's already driving you nuts so this has to stop. Tell her that you understand she feels insecure and mistrustful, and that you're sorry she feels so upset but you haven't done anything wrong so she can choose to believe you, or she can choose to make stuff up in her mind and make herself feel horrible. It's up to her. And just leave it at that. Don't try to contort yourself even more to appease her because that will never end and it will never be enough.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (15 August 2011):
First thing first, i would apologize for giving her the impression that i'll leave her. Its not trust but fear she has of you bolting on her, heck you said it more than once. (when times gets rough you will get going). I would just start romancing her again. I would always include her in everything. i would call her mid day and call if im running late. She would be reassured thaat im here for the long haul. I wouldnt let my wife ive in fear another day. Never worry about who started what and how, just find away to fix it. Never give her a reason that ur looking for an exit. Try aking her into a goddess untill she tells you to go play.
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A
male
reader, Thought_I_KnewSomething +, writes (15 August 2011):
Thought_I_KnewSomething is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. That was helpful.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (14 August 2011):
Some psycho women are never going to trust you no matter what you do. She needs to get to a therapist and start working on her trust issues. You need to go with her at least enough for the therapist to understand the nature of your relationship. If she refuses to get help (i.e. address these issues). I'd tell her that you can NOT live this way and will file for divorce.
Then DO IT!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 August 2011):
 From what you say, you're doing fine as a husband - getting married at all was probably not the wisest move, but you're doing it right.
I'd say it's about a 2/3 chance that she's just chronically neurotic, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop this, and about a 1/3 chance she's actually either cheating or is tempted to cheat and is projecting her lack of trustworthiness onto you.
If the former, your best bet is to stop trying to accommodate her complaints and tell her, calmly but sternly, that you have done nothing to earn distrust, that the problem is her, and that you would be happy to help her deal with her trust issues, but that you will no longer listen to anything impugning your commitment. Follow through by doing exactly that - disengage from any discussion that shows a lack of trust for you, unless she is asking for help in overcoming her feelings by asking for precise, specific things from you (asking you to hold her for a few minutes and whisper nice things is acceptable; generalized demands to "make me feel better!" are not).
If you suspect the latter, do the same thing as for the former, but also keep an eye on her. Come home from work or class during lunch on random days, or go out to do something but come home early without warning. See if she's not home when she said she would be. Swing by places she says she's going to, like work or being out with friends - stop in by surprise to give her flowers or something, quietly confirming that she's been where she claims.
I hate to bring up the latter possibility, since trust seems to be the issue in this marriage and adding more mistrust is probably not the best thing to do, but honest people often have a difficult time spotting dishonesty.
In any event, the most important thing here is to simply stop listening to any baseless complaining. Stop rewarding hysteria with attention of any sort. If she goes a day or two without doing anything neurotic, reward her with lots of positive attention.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 August 2011):
 Actually, I have a much simpler possible explanation.
When a woman causes arguments and talks about distrust when the man has given her no cause to distrust her, she's actually saying one very important thing:
She doesn't believe she's good enough for you. She'll never say it out loud, but she believes that you will one day wake up and "trade up". In the meantime, she's engaging in self-fulfilling prophecy by the constant arguing and "sabotaging" the relationship with the arguing and nitpicking, as if subconsiously she knows you're going to get fed up anyways and confirm her insecurities.
That being said, you shouldn't have to constantly cater to these insecurities. If you've truly done nothing for which you have broken her trust, then don't stand for her not trusting you. You've earned it many times over, and trust is established. You do not need to constantly prove yourself to her and constantly assure her.
Tell her that you're in this for the long haul, and that her insecurities could make what she fears come to pass because the arguments and her distrust will erode the relationship. She has to stop nursing her insecurities, which is really what it is. You are innocent until proven guilty. Your actions have proven all you can, and she will have to come to grips with it herself.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 August 2011):
She knows something is missing but doesn't know what it is. A marriage, a baby, did not ease her sense of emptiness. There is nothing wrong at all in the relationship. There is always the possibility of a failing relationship. The fear of something ending is so great that it's painful to be vulnerable. What she wants to hear from you is why you love her and why you picked her over other women. She needs you to tell her that even though you don't have much time together you need her faith that things will be better in the future if she just hangs in there. She wants to be wooed like everyday is a courtship kind of thing and I know this won't feel natural for you to do. The root of your arguing is that both of you react to things that shouldn't have been said out of fear. I think what you need is to let her experience her emotions, and not express them. I can visualize two loving couples, with you holding her head is on your chest. She does not need to be analyzed, debated. She needs loving support. Accept that there is no trust right now. Accept that this fear is what she has to go through. Tell her it's okay to have negative feelings.
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