A
male
age
51-59,
*teel545
writes:How do I move on? My W has been in Midlifecrisis for 2 yrs now (though my counselor says its bipolar) and I dont know whats next?I do still love her, but I cant tolerate the verbal abuse any longer. She frequently says how she hates me, and blames me for all of her pain, threatens to leave, etc. We have two kids 7 and 14, and I love them both. I want to keep them, and look for love elsewhere. Im a good father and husband (or i was). How can I escalate this when I need her to watch the kids while im at work? And I feel guilty for wanting love, but this is just a miserable existence. I dont want to lose my kids, or pay child support, and shes not going to snap out of this, or get treatment.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 October 2012):
 she definitely needs medications..if wellbutrin did not work there are many others. jumping out of a window is suicidal tendencies... and she strongly needs help.
if you tell her you are taking the kids and leaving maybe she will get the help she needs....
before planning the divorce, I would srongly urge another round with a good doctor to get her properly medicated that can take months to do btw... many different tries... it's very frustrating...
A
male
reader, Steel545 +, writes (12 October 2012):
Steel545 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all.I guess I have the legal route if I want out, which will be expensive, and prob wont get custody. And then I have the medical route if I want to stay. Shes mostly a good parent, but given to fits. 2 weeks ago she cursed our daughter 14 and threw a cup of water in her face. D14 def wants to go with me if there a separation.. and she has told me many times, and even asked for it. The only danger is that W talks about running away to FL and leaving me and the kids. And sometimes mentions a desire to jump out a window.If I ask for separation, who knows, she might give them up anyway. That's what happened 2 yrs ago when she left for 3 months.She was getting good counseling, but only Wellbutrin (for depression). She's quit both, even though I kindly suggest getting back on.I just hate all of this,. I always wanted a successful marriage, and so my judgement is cloudy. Thank you all for your advice.
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A
male
reader, Steel545 +, writes (12 October 2012):
Steel545 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all.
I guess I have the legal route if I want out, which will be expensive, and prob wont get custody. And then I have the medical route if I want to stay.
Shes mostly a good parent, but given to fits. 2 weeks ago she cursed our daughter 14 and threw a cup of water in her face. D14 def wants to go with me if there a separation.. and she has told me many times, and even asked for it.
The only danger is that W talks about running away to FL and leaving me and the kids. And sometimes mentions a desire to jump out a window.
If I ask for separation, who knows, she might give them up anyway. That's what happened 2 yrs ago when she left for 3 months.
She was getting good counseling, but only Wellbutrin (for depression). She's quit both, even though I kindly suggest getting back on.
I just hate all of this,. I always wanted a successful marriage, and so my judgement is cloudy. Thank you all for your advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): Do you remember your vows?
Through sickness and in health comes to mind. You are the man of the house, start acting like one. Ask her to get help for her verbal abusing if she refuses, take the kids and leave. She may just come around once the 3 of you are gone and get the help she needs. You are getting counseling, are your kids?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2012):
I agree with the counselor that your wife is mentally ill not having a midlife crisis...
by saying she is having a midlife crisis you do realize you are enabling her to be ill and therefore that makes you co-dependent...
your kids are old enough to
a. be in school most of the time
b. the 14 yr old can watch the 7 yr old when they get home you don't even need a babysitter but you could find after school care if you really wanted to.
saying you need her to watch the kids while you are at work is a cop out.
you don't want to pay child support? well then you better get full custody of those kids...
if you are that unhappy, see a lawyer, get documentation that your wife is severely unfit for parenting and that the children will be in danger with her... but I have to tell you that in MOST cases in the USA a father does NOT get custody unless the mother's activities put the children in danger....you will need a VERY VERY GOOD (read expensive) divorce attorney...
how do you know she won't seek treatment?
if she was properly medicated and treated would you want to stay? if so have you asked her to seek treatment?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): When emotional abuse goes on like this, there is only so much you can take.. I sympathise with you and the kids.However as a mental health nurse, I can say your wife is not well - doesn't excuse her behaviour but it gives reason behind it.. If you want this relationship to survive my advice is go with her to your doctor tell him whatever medication she is on it is not working. Is is on an SSRI.?? Or lithium ? As these are medications that tailored to meet bipolar systems if she is. And the behaviour is still there then the medication is not doing its job and should be reviewed and increased... If she is not on any meds then she needs to be ASAP, her neurone functions in her brain are not functioning properly ..She should also be receiving some kind of cognitive therapy, and you some support and guidance .Do not suffer in silence go to the doctor . Give them an account of what it is like at home, do not omit anything out ..A counsellor is not enough here.. Good luck and keep,us updated
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 October 2012):
 I think I would go talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.
Your kids should be in school at least from 8am-3pm so no one needs to "watch" them. Finding a babysitter to watch then after school is definitely possible.
I don't think it's healthy for the kids to grow up watching anyone verbally abuse their spouse.
Your oldest is old enough to CHOOSE where he/she wants to live, so you need to take that into consideration.
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