A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've dated my wife for almost 10 years before we got married for 5 years, ever since I met her she never have a job. Reason I like about her was she was very old school like my mom and I thought she would make a great mom one day and she's very tradition. After we got married I ask her to get a job but she argued with me, she don't like mingle with other people she just wanted to stay home, she rarely cook anything cause she don't want to mess up the kitchen she do our laundry but never fold them,she don't want to make up the bed cause we eventually going to sleep in it, our kitchen is always clean cause she never cooks and our refrigerator is always empty cause she never wanted us to buy food we got a lot of canned food instead, she never wanted to get out of the house, I realized she's not at all like my mom I thought she was going to be a great cook at least. Thankfully I eat everyday at my job and I ate fast food a lot now I gain a lot of weight. I was just going divorced her but she got pregnant with our little girl now I feel like I'm trap with a woman that don't want to do anything. Some of my friends make fun of me cause their wife's cooks , things got worse I used to invite my friends over to our house for BBQ now she start to demand family time everytime I'm off work she don't want me to have social life anymore and its starting to stress me out even more, I love my wife and daughter to death and I would love to pay her as much as I can if we get a divorce but the only problem was she never have a job in her life and she told me her mom is crazy she's happy she moved out from her house, I wanted to get a divorce but I don't know how she can survive without me helping her, I would love to hear some advice please.
View related questions:
divorce, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): It sounds as though she is extremely lazy. It's disrespectful to you and your family. Hopefully you want your daughter to have a good role model and your wife doesn't sound like she fits the bill at this time.
You should sit and chat with her about her lack of efforts give her a specific timeframe to work on her behaviors. If she becomes more responsible and respectable then great.
You shouldn't have let her get away with this behavior for so long. That was your mistake. But the past is the past and you need to focus on the future.
There are many deserving woman who are looking for great husbands.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): I'm sorry but you can't put all the blame on your wife. You conveniently overlook the fact that;1. you had 10 years to figure out that she's not what you want. Major mistake#12. You wanted to marry her exactly because you wanted a "traditional" wife. Well, a "traditional" wife does not work outside the home. So why were you in any way surprised that she refused to get a job?? Major mistake#2.3. You had unprotected sex with someone that you wanted to divorce. Of course she's going to get pregnant, that's what happens when you sleep with someone. what did you expect? So no, she did not 'trap' you - YOU trapped YOURSELF. major mistake#3.In a nutshell - you created this situation yourself through the choices you made. Acknowledge your mistakes, don't just blame your wife for being the way she always was.So no you don't get to whine and complain that your wife is like this or like that. You made those decisions. What are you going to do about it? It's quite simple really: if you dont' want to be with her, then get a divorce. If you stay married to her, then you're just going to have to live with the consequences since you chose to marry her and you chose to get her pregnant. Neither of these options are going to be easy or fun, but that's the price you pay for making so many major mistakes in your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): If you love her and for the sake of your daughter, sit down and talk to her. Tell her what you're feeling, try to work through the issues, consider marriage counseling.
Is she otherwise a loving wife and mother? I'm sure her good qualities outweigh the bad. It could be she simply doesn't know how to cook or how to clean the house.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 July 2013):
 I have to say, I wonder why you thought she would change after marriage. You dated her for ten years prior to marrying her, you knew very well what she was like. It is unreasonable to expect her to change just because you married her. She didn't work then, so why would she work now? She's got all the more reason to not work, since she's married and you have to support her. I wonder who supported her before you married her? How did she live?
No, you made your bed and now you sleep in it. You can't really complain. She is who she is, and you accepted that deal and married into it. If you dislike it then I think all that is left is divorce.
What country are you and your wife from? Your flag says Canada, but the way you write suggest English isn't your first language. And you mention she lived at home up until the point where she married you. Are you from heavily religious cultures? Is that why she never worked, perhaps, because women in such a culture do not work? Also, do women in such a culture usually cook for their men, since your friends make fun of you since your wife does not cook? In Norway it is not that common for wives to cook for their men any longer, that was the old generation. People of our generation (like you and me) are expected to do equal amounts of housework once they live together, so no one would make fun of the man if the woman doesn't cook for him, it is quite usual that the man cooks his own meals or cook for both, just as usual as it is for the woman to do the cooking. It's not like 30 years ago where the kitchen was a womans work place.
I also wonder why you don't cook for yourself and your family. You say you always eat fast food, why? Why don't you cook your own meals, and why don't you eat together with your family? I think if you are constantly eating out, and not together with your family, then no wonder she wants to spend more time alone with you for "family time".
But you're allowed to have friends and family over for BBQ. Just tell her you want it, you can have family time the rest of the weekend. Come to an agreement, don't just say "yes dear" and be bossed around.
But I am very curious to hear where you are from and what culture you belong to, as that would shed more light on your situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): I honestly think that your being unfair to your wife.
when you married her, you already knew that she never have a job.
You accepted that fact, now you found out, she can't cook, its pretty disappointing i guess. but its not a valid reason to divorce her.
If you love her and your child to death, how could you even think of living your life without them? I am not good in cooking myself, but I know its something i can work on. Its easy to learn. She is lazy to cook, talk to her, or maybe ask for help from someone whom she will listen to about cooking.
Your problem is still possible to solve.
Its something you could over ride. Its not a third party issues, alcohol, or worst.
I do think that your problem with your wife is workable.
All you need to do is just ask help from someone who could help both of you to talk it over, If its impossible for her to understand and accept your point.
Men usually leave their wife for someone else not because she can't clean, cook or don't have a job.
You need a break, think it over.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (3 July 2013):
 I am not normally a fan of ultimatums, but it might be time for one. That she gets a job or picks up the slack around the house, or you need a divorce.
I agree with SVC, someone who is that much of a shut in may have some kind of social anxiety or something similar.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): If she doesn't cook or clean, how will she take care of your child?
Things were less complicated before you had a child; or
you could have divorced her.
You listed all her faults; but YOU were not very smart for marrying her without knowing she was lazy. What are you smoking my boy?
You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. Thinking of a divorce after the child was born is unbelievable. You stuck it out for five years, ate junk food, now you want to bail out when there is a child added to the picture.
You have two options.
One, you can divorce her and fight for full custody of your daughter, and be a single parent. Then you will be responsible for cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for baby's needs, and so on.
If you love her as you say, then you both have to make a compromise. She should agree to take some cooking and homemaking classes to help her to develop the skills she lacks.
If she wants to be a stay at home mom, that is a huge job. It means, cooking, cleaning, running the household budget, laundry, caring for baby's needs, shopping,on and on and on. It isn't 9 t 5; it's around the clock!!!
You could ask your mother to come over and teach her some basic cooking and housekeeping. I recommend you compensate your mother for the time and trouble. You were a goof and married some dead-weight; now you want to dump her.
How you could know someone so long and have no clue is beyond comprehension.
It is what it is. If she doesn't agree to do anything, it's because she was looking for a sucker to take her out of her mother's house and support her. That's it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 July 2013):
 "I love my wife and daughter to death and i would love to pay her as much as I can if we get a divorce"
if you love her to death why would you divorce her?
IF you want a divorce it's not your place to help her. Get a good attorney and have it written in the divorce decree that you do not pay alimony (spousal support)
who will have custody of your daughter... if you divorce and do not have full custody of her you will probably have to pay your ex wife child support for your child.
if you do not want to pay your wife money then I suggest you not only divorce her but sue for full custody of the child. Which if your wife is not taking proper care of her (no cooking or cleaning) should not be a problem.
the issue is you married her knowing she did not work, then immediately asked her to find a job. Did you think that a piece of paper would change her? Why were these things not discussed prior to marriage?
In our house if someone wants the bed made, they have to make it... hence the bed rarely gets made in our house.
if she does not go out of the house at all she may have social anxiety or agoraphobia (fear of the marketplace or other places) has she had a complete medical and psychological work up?
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 July 2013):
I think you should divorce her or come straight with her about her lack of effort in the household. Seems like you have a lazy wife.
...............................
|
