A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my best friend have known each other for 20 years. We are neighbours, we have grown up together. Throughout our lives, we have taken different paths but we always meet again, and things have been fine. I had been working at my job for 3 years. When one day, One of the members of my staff, who works under me, by pure co-incidence met my best friend.My best friend recognised his uniform and immediately struck up a conversation, and offered to walk with him home so they could talk more.Next day at work, my colleague came to me quite disturbed, he said I have something to say: "you often tell me, about your best friend, and how amazing he is, and how long you have been friends with him, however, he spoke to me yday and he has some negative things to say about you and your not as successful" (I asked him how he knew, he said your friend told me)I was so shocked.Let me summarise, I have known :-my colleague for 6 months. -my friend for 20 yearsMy colleague and friend had known each other for 10 minutes. Why would my friend embarrass me like that? Bottom line is my colleague told me to watch out, that was it. He was surprised how helpful my friend was and eager to display my faults to a member of staff that works below me. I have not confronted him and what good will it do. Any advice apart from lowering my life standards so he is not jealous?
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (28 November 2018):
 You have been friends for a long time so talk to him and tell him what you have heard and allow him the chance to explain what was said. As you said yourself you have only known this person for six months and he could be a complete trouble maker and took something your friend said and made it sound worse or it could be that your friend was in the wrong! Either way I would let him have his say before you make any major decisions going forward.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 November 2018):
 I would be very suspicious of this subordinate or anyone who can't wait to show their 'loyalty' to you by dishing up the latest on what was said behind your back.
You've chosen to believe someone you've known for 6 months over someone you've known 20 years, which is not much different from what you assume your friend has done.
Your friend may have said nothing of the sort, or he may have said something innocent that this subordinate twisted or misunderstood. Your friend could have commented on how successful you've been despite some adversity you experienced, or how you've never been satisfied with your own accomplishments. Or he may have said nothing at all.
My advice is whenever anyone comes to you with a story like this is act disinterested. Don't give liars and troublemakers any more encouragement. You could speak to this friend, privately, when you've come down from the shock of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2018): I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Take into account what the other respondents have posted, here, but also bear in mind that you don't really know your colleague well. He may have ulterior motives. I know it sounds a strange thing to say, but sometimes good friends can inadvertently say "bad" things about their friend without thinking that what they are saying is "bad". They may just think ' yes, I am so close to this person after so many years that our friendship can withstand me being honest about them'. I'm not saying this is morally correct, I'm just saying he may not have meant to actually hurt you.
On the other hand, the colleague who has gleaned all of this information about you from your friend had every opportunity to put a stop to it immediately. He could have indicated, in any number of ways, that he was not happy to discuss you behind your back, even by remaining silent; is it possible he actually extracted information from your friend, and is re-framing it to make your friend look bad? Could this colleague want to bring you down for some reason?
Like WiseOwlE I was incredibly hurt by a friend of 17 years who acted very strangely amongst friends of mine, betraying my trust. I gave her the benefit of the doubt many times, even when she openly flirted with my boyfriend ( I mean to the extent of sitting on the floor with a skirt on and 'forgetting' that her skirt had ridden up an was exposing her knickers right in from of my boyfriend's eyes as he was sitting with me, on the sofa, above him - he saw through it immediately and moved away) - and , when I asked her to be godmother to my daughter, immediately said "Oh, but can she and I have secrets together, without you knowing "? (!!! - I mean, for that to be the first thing she said was VERY weird!); I tried to talk with her about it.
She simply wouldn't admit what she'd done was morally objectionable o wrong. The final straw came when I had a small party with some close friends and some new friends from a new college course I was attending. My other very close friend (19 years ) told me afterwards that my 'friend' had very openly started telling my new colleagues VERY private details of my life, in a way that would cast suspicion on me and make people alarmed.
Prior to this, I had gone out of my way, so many times, to help her to integrate socially as she had few, almost no, friends - just one friend from primary school who she often used to talk about negatively behind her back - she was an actress but also trying to write academically and creatively, and I introduced her to some of my new colleagues as "an actress and a really good writer". She then turned and looked at me strangely, in front of everyone and said "But what of mine have you ever read?", in a way that immediately made it seem like I was being fake or phoney. In fact, I had read some of her work and I was doing my utmost to put her in a good light and pave the way for her to start having a good conversation with people, so that she would not feel left out in any way - instead of appreciating this she had chosen to try to humiliate me, or cast suspicion on me, in front of others. She showed absolutely no sense of remorse about this whatsoever, no inclination that she had behaved badly socially.
It was unbelievable and shocking, after 17 years of being a good friend. This and loads of other things really upset me. But when my other close friend finally told me that she had deliberately tried to cast suspicion on me to my new colleagues, I simply did what WiseOwlE did - I never spoke to her again.
It sill upsets me what she did, but I know I tried to act reasonably with her before cutting her out of my life and I know for sure I was a good friend to her from my side of things.
What made this worse was that I tried to talk to another, less close friend of 6 years, about what was going on, but she actually became suspicious; she couldn't understand why, after 17 years of friendship, someone would treat me like that - she actually began to distance herself from me and finally cut off from me altogether - so there was a very odd situation in which the friend of 6 years became suspicious because of what the friend of 17 years had done - a kind of 'no smoke without fire' way of thinking. This was exactly what the 17 year friend had wanted, I think, but on a more 'major' scale. So I lost 2 friends, honestly through no fault of my own. I've learned since to be VERY careful about who I open up to about problems with friends. And I've learned a lot of strange social behaviour can be due to jealousy or people needing 'one up-manship'.
BUT I still wouldn't necessarily jump to this kind of conclusion about your friend. Try to talk to him first. Or maybe even get both of them together at the same time, and calmly ask them to explain, together, in front of you, what happened. That way they can't double cross one another, or you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2018): People can maintain a facade of friendship for many years; and you may not find-out what is really in their hearts and minds. Until the truth finds its way through someone else, you have a fight, through evidence left uncovered, or a slip-up.
It must have been a shock, and I know that feeling when your heart suddenly feels heavy and sinks in your chest. Knowing that you've always valued their friendship, trusted their words, and assumed all was well. You let your guard down completely, and hide no secrets from them.
Evy can kill love in an instant. Cain slew his own brother Abel; because God appreciated his offering more. Compared to a less significant gift offered by his stingy brother, Cain.
I'm sure he didn't see it coming.
Well, now you know. I'm very sorry. It's better to know then be deceived. I would test the credibility of the source, that new guy. I would only believe it; if there is an element of verifiable evidence. Judge by what was said.
I had a friend I met shortly after my partner passed-away from cancer. We were introduced through another acquaintance. He is a minor recording-artist from the 80's. He made a couple of small hits. He now produces and writes for others. We became thick as thieves. Always invited to my dinner parties or celebrations.
We've gone to various concerts, elegant parties, good restaurants, shows, and have partied with mutual-friends. We'd exchange Christmas gifts every Christmas for nearly 7 years. I made a new friend from Kuwait. He'd often meet us out on the town, or invite me on shopping excursions to New York, Boston, Washington DC; or some other city. He pulled me aside one day, after I told him a long story about one of the escapades I shared with my so-called friend. Like your experience, he told me some hurtful things said about me.
He ran into my friend the recording-artist, at a restaurant; and was invited to his table. My Kuwaiti friend asked me why would he say bad things about me? He said it seemed he was making it up; it didn't fit my personality. Yet another friend of ours mentioned some unkind words and jokes he made about me. He asked me why I always let him insult me? I never took him seriously. They were always directed at me!
I felt a very heavy heart. I simply haven't spoken to him, answered any calls, or taken his messages. I just let it end on the note he left it. He's jealous of my relationship; and other things I'm blessed to have. He's jealous of me, and I never knew it. He always smiled in my face. It hurts to even write about it. I truly loved him as a friend. Others had to tell me what he was doing behind my back.
You heard it from only one source. Give your friend benefit of the doubt.
I got it from a new friend, and a trusted old friend; who had basically warned me before. He made me realize the constant grating jokes were digs, and often crossed the line. I wasn't noticing the venom in his words. I no longer associate. We live in different states; so it was easy to cut ties.
Make sure you talk to your friend, and give him a chance to explain himself. Maybe he isn't jealous, but you make him feel like an under-achiever. Talk! Bring everything to light. Learn where you really stand.
In my case, I don't want to fix anything; nor confront him. Attempting to turn others against me leaves no room for reconciliation. I'll simply move on. I have no deficiency in loved-ones, and avoid making enemies. He is forgiven. I don't need fake-friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2018): I'd be careful trusting the new guy, he may be making thing up to cause trouble.
I agree, I don't think you are giving us the full quote on what was said because "not as successful" makes no sense. Not as successful as what? As you claimed to be? Monetarily or otherwise?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 November 2018):
 Seems like your "friend" isn't much of a friend after all.
Would i confront him? Yes, and I'd probably drop him as a friend afterwards.
The saying "with friends like that... who needs enemies?" comes to mind.
With that said, I think your "friend" is jealous of you.
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