A
female
age
41-50,
*iffania
writes:Since I got such great advice on my last issue I felt why not try this again on another that is a bit more complex in my eyes... I met my boyfriend about 4 years ago at work and we were just really good friends for a couple of years friends with "benefits" let's say. There wasn't really any emotional attachment for either of us and we both pretty much looked for other relationships when we were just friends. We cared about one another but never figured we would actually end up together in a relationship. And at one point we drifted apart. Well I started to see a guy and at that point suddenly my friend realized he had feelings for me and wanted to be more then just friends. I broke up with the guy I was seeing and basically wanted to be on my own but my friend wouldn't let that be. He chased me and started helping me with everything in my life, kept explaining what a great boyfriend he would be and pretty much would not let me be. I didn't want to be with him being we were good friends and I knew things and habits about him that I really did not care for. But I decided to give it a shot anyway. I was having a great time until the first habit I mentioned reared its face. I decided to look thru his text messages and what do I find but a message to a girl asking if she could send him nudey pics. I confronted him of course and he apologized and said this would not happen again. That I needed to trust him. Let me explain about the habit he has so this can be a little more clear. He spent a lot of his time chatting and talking to girls online from other countries specifically the asian side of the world. So these girls are ones he will never meet but still you can figure out what alot of these chats consisted of. Anyways I forgave him and just kind of figured it was a mistake and got past it. Well a couple of months went by and I became nosey and being that I pay attention I happened to figure out his passwords to his email and other sites and well yeah I found that he actually had been continuing to talk to these other girls and not just friendly chats and ask for pics. One time even when he was out of town and talked to me the same day. So I of course confronted him and he explained it was dumb and for some reason it's like "virtual porn" to him. Porn I can deal with, actually talking to another girl in a sexual manner and getting off well that I cannot that is a little more real to me when there is actually someone to talk to and just not a girl in a movie that you will never talk to or be personal with. So after this fall out he actually uninstalled all his messenger programs and such to show me he wanted to be with me and it would not happen again. He got rid of all but one which he asked if he could keep because he had a registered nick that he had for years and did not want to lose it. A nerd thing you could say. I agreed for him to keep it. So a year had gone by and all was good. Without him knowing I had actually been keeping an eye on this program which retained logs and all was good. Basically he was just logging on and then off once a month in order to keep his registered nick. Made me feel good. Well a couple of months ago that was not the case. My heart dropped as I actually saw he logged in to the sex channel on this and began chatting to a girl he once had known. Explaining how he was a good boy now to her then proceeding to ask if new pics had been posted and how he remembered her and how her unmentionables were nice and pretty much sexual inappropriate talk to have with another woman even if she's a million miles away. Then let her know he would pop in to say hi every once in a while. He had been good for so long that I really thought I had gotten past this. And I had started to trust him again. I confronted him and well actually kicked him out of the house. We had just moved into a house together 1 month prior. I thought everything was going great. I let him come back and his excuse again was the "virtual porn" thing. I of course made him uninstall the program because apparently I made the mistake of allowing it to be kept in the first place. He doesn't want to let me go. He wants to be with me and besides this habit he really is a great guy. My kids love him and he does help me out tremendously. The truth is I love him alot and I did not want to because I knew of these things about him beforehand and did not want to get hurt, but yet I let my self anyway. My thing is I am having a hard time letting this go this time. I make rude comments pertaining to the situation and pretty much don't let him forget what he did. Honestly it hurt me bad. And I want him to feel what I do. It makes me feel ugly and that I just wasn't good enough for him sexually if he is having to look and talk to to others to get off. I used to feel sexy and beautiful and he took that from me and I don't know if I will ever get it back. I can't seem to grasp it because we do have an amazing sex life that is so fulfilling. Is there something wrong with me that a man would do this? And will this be something I can ever get over and move past? Is this relationship worth going forward? I don't doubt he loves me at all, but why would someone do something they know hurts me? I just need some insight from someone other then myself because honestly this has taken alot of the life out of me and I would really like to be the woman I once was again...
View related questions:
at work, broke up, his ex, moved in, porn, sex life, talking to girls, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): I think you two need couples counseling. Your boyfriend is addicted to this kind of thing and you knew that about him when you got involved with him and you expect him to change for you and he keeps telling you he won't...the virtual porn thing. He toned it down for you, but he isn't willing to give his "habit" up.
I don't think it means that he doesn't find you sexually attractive. It is an addiction for him. Addicts need bigger thrills to stay stimulated and they need their "fix".
He's basically a sex addict.
He needs help if you are going to be happy with him..... because you don't like this particular addiction, and it can get worse and lead to other things that are in the real world and not virtual, but I don't know where he is at in his head.
But, I think this is something you both need to talk about with a relationship or marriage counselor, because this isn't going to resolve itself on it's own. Talking and getting angry about it is not working, is it?
|
