A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated a guy I work with for a month(I started working at this place 2 months ago),but we don’t work in the same office. It was a really intensive dating. We met almost everyday, spent a lot of time together. He was really into me and I liked him a lot. It was a short time of us being together, but he started to let people know about us and making long term plans with me.Last week we went out with one of his friends whom I met for the first time. That night we had a conversation of how much jealous he is and I was ok with it, cause I am as well so for me it wasn’t a big deal dealing with a jealous/possessive man.After that I spent the night at his apartment and the other day we stayed in all day. We had great time or at least I thought so.After that he kind of ghosted me for 2 days and didn’t even come to work( 2 days was too much cause it didn’t happen earlier, we talked and met everyday). When I asked him what was happening he told me he was having some emotional issues and even though he ‘respects’ me he wishes we could be friends. Long story short he broke up with me. And after that I didn’t reply, cause I wasn’t able to think what should i say to him.He took a week off and came back today, I met him,we didn’t contact or meet for week or so. He was happy he saw me and said he missed me. I was speechless but acted like I didn’t believe what he said. I don’t know how to behave, what to do or what to say. I’m confused and most of all I want him back and I am scared that if I give him too much space and time he will leave for good :( .
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broke up, I work with, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2019): I second what N91 says. I think he's a player, and toying with your emotions. N91 called him a "messer."
Playing on your sympathies like he's having some kind of emotional thing going on.
How do the English put it? BULLOCKS!!!
He was healthy enough to pull you in. Now he's messing with your mind. He wants to see you when he wants to; and then gives you dead air while he goes through his "moods."
You deserve better than that.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2019):
 Another reason he ended it could be that he couldn't sustain the courting you while also having to deal with his mental illness/mood swings.
You said YOU dealt with his mood-swings - well, I don't think THAT is your job at all!
Now, I'm not saying that people with mental disorders and/or mood swings can't date anyone. But in order for ANYONE to have a healthy relationship THEY NEED to be open about and GETTING help so THEY themselves can MANAGE their issue.
Saying "I want a serious relationship with you" and actually being CAPABLE of HAVING one, are TWO different things. And saying something doesn't always mean you (in this case HE) are being truthful.
YOU look at a person's ACTIONS and see if they MATCH his words.
In this case they DO NOT. Because he is NOT in the right head space to be dating ANYONE.
He isn't some grand prize, OP
You BARELY know him after 2 months. While I understand that you got your hopes up that THIS guy could be "the one" for you. HE ISN'T. What you are missing and want back is the "fantasy" of what COULD have been.
Don't date in the work place.
And work on accepting that he IS NOT the guy for you. NOT if you want a long term HEALTHY relationship.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 March 2019):
 You’re right, you do deserve better than what he can offer. He’s a messer, plain and simple.
If he’s not in the right headspace to be dating people then he shouldn’t be trying to drag someone into the situation. Stick to your guns, let him play games with other people. You’re free to find a good man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom the beginning of our dating, he stated that he wants a serious relationship and his behavior was according to what we talked. That was the reason I panicked and noticed immediately that he was ghosting. He had ‘mood swings’ earlier too, but I was there and could manage them. The only time I decided to let him deal with his mood swings by himself gave me the result of him breaking up with me. And he did it by phone, I’m pretty sure that he would never say that to my face.I didn’t buy that he missed me, but I felt that he did.. I didn’t mention that, the week he was off he started to come to places I have coffee and go out and he knows them as well as around the place I live.I’m trying not to see him around workplace. I go early and leave later.But the way he behaves when I am around doesn’t correspond to what he said,and I know for sure that if I give him the needed space he will come and try to ‘fix’ things.And yes I deserve that Prize, I didn’t check on him he when he came back, he did it, I didn’t explode and ask for explanations, I simply ‘accepted’ what he said, didn’t say a thing on that, I’m not giving him space to even go through that conversation and not even to ‘flirt’ ( cause he is trying hard). I’m aware that I am too good for him, I am aware that I won’t accept ‘no strings attached’ or FWB kinds of relationship.. but inside I’m dying, I want him back so bad so I can’t even think anything else besides that!!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 March 2019):
He already has left you.
Getting back with him, if the opportunity, arose would be foolish. He has come up with a reason not to date, now whether you believe it or not is irrelevant. He doesn’t see a future here or else he would not of broke up with you.
You don’t need to think of what to say or what to do. Just remain professional whilst you’re at work and block his number and social media. He has made his choice, move on with your life. You are NOT a good match for each other. You’ve known each other for 2 months, you’re still effectively strangers. You thought you knew the guy then he ghosted you! Showed his true colours.
Let this be a lesson never to date co-workers. Now you’ll see this guy every day! Move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2019): I think the connection was purely physical. He was attracted, but has no emotional-attachment. He wants no strings attached.
The usual method this kind of guy will use to break these kind of connections; is by going brutally cold, and dropping out of sight. You work at the same place; so he can't find a new job that quickly.
Take notes, because I'm revealing a few things you obviously don't know.
You do know that it's never a good idea dating people where you work. Yes, you said he worked in a different office; but you work close enough for you to know when he didn't show for work. You had to check-up on him to know. That's the reason not to date people you work with. They won't take being dissed well; and they'll come looking for you at work! Now your drama is no longer personal; it's now at the workplace.
Things started-out hot and heavy. That's usually hormones in over-drive; so your impulses takeover, and you toss all common-sense and caution to the wind. Thereby, having no concern for the consequences. Things can go two ways. Either good, or bad. He ghosted you...so this went bad. Another point that affirms the reasoning why dating people who work where you work is a bad idea.
He was happy to see you he says; but a week went by without a word. You're too smart to buy that one.
I'm almost sure you drove by his place to see what's-up. If you didn't, you deserve a prize; because few women wouldn't do that. He had damned well better say he was glad to see you!!! Yet the awkwardness was there. Did he flush or did the color in his face drain-away?
He claims emotional-issues??? He could have called. I know it was quite a tense moment! You must have been steaming inside, while you pretended to believe him. Oh, but you had to remain composed; because you're at work. He was praying silently in his mind that you wouldn't go psycho.
If you would happen to see him flirting with someone else too soon, you will likely lose-it! You're human, and you have a right to. Only, because you work at the same place; you have to resist your natural-reflexes and normal reaction to such an offense. You have be a work-droid, and show no emotion. Another reason dating people at work is a bad idea.
It was a fling. That's all it was. Don't bother asking him if that's what it was. He'll deny it. Should you ask, and he admits it; please stay calm, and maintain your dignity. You're a woman, not a teenager. So handle it like a woman.
Two people got horny; but only one person attached emotion to the sex. One pretended. Now one feels played, and the other is terrified of how she will deal with this? Will she turn it into a workplace-harassment complaint, spread gossip, or tell the other women how little it is?
All the more reason you shouldn't date people you've met on the job...especially for a man, who is a player; or a adolescent/baby-man posing as an adult. Word spreads fast at the discovery the big-time player has a little wiener.
Please don't stoop to such tactics. I was adding humor, to break your tension and concern. I'm not making light of the situation, but I don't want this to get you down either.
Chalk this up to a learning-experience. He explained his jealousy in terms of owning property. He doesn't dig knowing someone he's smashing is smashing somebody else. I don't recommend dating men who outright admit they're the jealous-type. Add stalker, lady-beater, and psycho to his resume.
Sweetheart, you're looking for something meaningful. He gave you a pretend love-affair; but as I said, it was a fling. He had to make it worth your while. He isn't a monster. He was thinking with his other head, and that has no brain.
Think with your normal-sized female brain, which weighs approximately 1,222 grams (2.69 pounds); and decide whether you deserve better than this. I've never met you, but I know you deserve better. You didn't do anything wrong; but dating people where you work is a bad idea.
Write it off. Transform into a professional work-droid, and deactivate your emotional-response mechanism, while at work. Be polite, distant, and well-schooled about dealing with that kind of guy, and dating men you've met at your job. Now that you know how it feels to see someone most of your week; whom didn't exactly treat you as you deserve to be treated, after having sex. You're done with this guy.
Now I want you to go back and read both BrownWolf's post, and mine. Read them over until they sink-in. You're too smart for this mess. Pretend it never happened. Detach your feelings from him, he's not worthy. Don't allow him to damage you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2019):
Sounds like he has commitment issues and probably some other unmentioned issues. I mean if he HAD to take a week of work... I don't think it's minor issues that he is trying to deal with on his own and HASN'T included you in.
A GOOD partner brings out the BEST in you. It seems YOU brought out some of his NEGATIVE issues. Sorry, there is NOTHING OK with a jealous or possessive man. It's NOT attractive and definitely NOT a good trait.
I think he was trying to tell you (with his jealousy speech) that YOU (not that it's YOUR fault) brought out these negative traits and HE isn't liking it.
Which means HE can't see a healthy future relationship WITH you, so he broke up with you.
I think YOU need to respect that. And I would also suggest you don't GO the "friendship" route either. Because YOU will be holding out hope that he will change and WANT to date you again, and HE would NOT be able to handle YOU dating someone else down the line very well.
This is the "typical" case of WHY dating in the work place is SUCH a bad idea. Even if you don't work together. Because you still have to be around each other.
You want HIM back, but HE has been QUITE clear that HE doesn't WANT a relationship with him and YOU need to accept and RESPECT that choice.
It was ONLY 2 months of dating. Shouldn't take TOO long for you BOTH to move on.
Leave him be and let him go. It's not going to work out. YOU CAN NOT fit a square peg into a round hole and make it fit.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (14 March 2019):
 Hi OP,
Older man here...He was never into you as you thought. He was into what you had to offer.
When a man thinks you are the one, he will start a war for you. Most men today are in for a quick fix, not long term.
Never give the man the cookie until he learns how work the oven...you. When you get all love you need, then he can eat to his hearts content.
Most young men today are nothing but teenagers with a beard and a better job...does not mean the have the mental capacity to deal with a woman.
Only deal with men who have a realistic plan for life...something they can actually achieve...not a dream plan. A man that has his mind set right, and not bouncing all over the place.
Question...He used you, then burned you...Is this someone you really want back in your life??? Never go backwards...Always forward. You cannot change the past...and you really don't need to, because the right guy is not in your past. You have not met him yet, and you cannot meet him if you have foolish men in your life.
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