A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello- My boyfriend of a year is 45 and I’m 41. He is a nice guy very smart professional and caring. He has been dealing with depression for some times now and I have tried to be helpful. He goes to these lost phases and goes quiet . I know he loves me because when he is doing ok he tries to do stuff that makes me happy and is very loving. We are not connected on any social media but recently I opened an account in instagram and searched him. Here he is with not many followers, maybe less than 40, but when I searched his pictures I saw few that I found odd. Most were his photography from nature or other stuff but he had couple of pictures of him in a bathtub just showing his legs from knees up. Or just chest up with shampoo on his head and couple if old toples pictures. Just couple of likes from women here and there and I already have heard from one of them so I know nothing is going on. He is very deep thinker and mature and what I saw online just kept me wondering why a 45 years old guy posting such pictures and also his account is open. He already knows I don’t like toples pictures but he posted one anyways. I haven’t told him anything about Instagram as I’m not sure if he has noticed me checking him. I’m not a social media person but can you please tell me if I’m crazy and this is normal? Or am I missing something here! Thanks in advance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): I think that you should do more research on depression; rather than searching around on social media to spy on the activities of your boyfriend. You claim how good he is to you; then turn around searching for things you can hold against him, or criticize him for. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" Excuse me, but men can go topless in public! If you've ever been to a beach; you're probably the only person on the entire beach wearing a blindfold!!!
Considering all the disgusting, raunchy, and blatantly illicit pics most guys post online, he's a pussycat! His legs, chest, and soapy hair?!! Oh my gosh!!!
Now let's get back to depression. I have no intention of making any excuses about those silly pictures you've found. What I do know is this; that people who suffer from depression, look for any avenue or source of validation and relief they can find. They feel detached, isolated, and on a downward-spiral.
Feeling a profound sadness, worthlessness, and despair they can't shake-loose from; they may seek a lift in spirit through unorthodox means; or fish for any form of positive-reinforcement they can, just to feel "alive." Most importantly, to "feel" something other than depressed! They do whatever they can to crawl out from under that heaviness! From under that dark cloud! He needed some kind of positive-feedback, or reassurance, that women do see him as attractive or desirable. Maybe hoping "likes" might give his ego and self-esteem a boost.
As a Christian, when my spirit needs a boost; I turn to prayer and worship. Nothing in a pill-form or anything another human being can profess can reach down into my soul like God can! God is a cure for the spirit of heaviness! He's who I turn to when the world weighs heavily on my shoulders. Always works for me! I'm human too! Darkness falls on all of us! That's why I'm here to comfort, support, educate, and admonish/rebuke others who need homespun advice. It takes compassion to understand people; and we have to do more for each other than judge each other. I will call out what seems to be unfairness, poor-judgement, foolishness, and abuse; but I am but a man. If my wisdom and experience will be a blessing to others, that is part of my calling. I do dumb stuff, I've made terrible mistakes I've regretted, and I can feel pain. It gives me even more compassion and empathy for others.
1 Thessalonians 5:14:
"And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all."
Logically, you and I know that posting partially-nude pics may not necessarily help in any way; unless you're narcissistic, or so conceited that you feast on the worship and praise of other people. Self-aggrandizement feeds a starving-ego; a humble-spirit is refreshed and lifted by the Spirit of the Lord. When you are mentally-ill, you must seek mental-healthcare; for the benefit of therapy and medication that God has provided mankind. Utilizing the tools He manifests through healthcare-professionals, and people of science blessed with intellect and skill.
Sometimes a simple compliment gives you a little pep; if only to see if somebody thinks you're still something worth checking-out and caring for. If you look at it for what it is, it seems quite foolish. If you look at it even deeper; you might see the desperation and something somewhat pathetic. Maybe it isn't so profound, just a need to feel attractive to somebody...anybody! If you can't relate to that, perhaps your world of perfection and happiness insulates you from simple ordinary people-issues. As I previously mentioned, compared to what's out there online; his photos are extremely benign. You are overreacting.
Give the guy a break. I'm not telling you not to be vigilant. If you see signs of instability or unraveling; then protect yourself and guard your feelings. Don't rush to judgement until you consider all aspects and facts, and judge with wisdom and discernment.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (9 January 2020):
 That is quite unusual of you to not like topless pictures of men. There is very little social stigma for men to show themselves naked down to the waist. It is easily as common as pictures of women in skirts short enough to show their knees.
I suppose that "old topless pictures" would be pictures he took or had taken more than a year ago. Before you were with him. I think it is odd that you would be worried about old pictures.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Honestly?
It seems rather harmless. Either he thought it was a artistic type of picture, or one that conveyed a little bit of humor or personality, but overall not the kind of "UH UH UH LOOK AT ME!!!" kind of pictures many people post on Instagram. So rather tame.
As for you not liking topless pictures, SO what?! He has to not like them either? Or never take any of himself topless? What are you 12? If you don't like topless pictures you have a couple of options, 1. DON'T take or post any yourself and 2. DON'T look at other people's topless photos. NO one is MAKING you.
I think his little Instagram world is his little bubble where he expresses little things, a little creative outlet. It's not that he is really hiding anything there. If you want to know, tell him you opened an account and that you checked his out. See what he says.
If he is NOT very social media savvy that might be why it's an open account.
I am wondering why you felt a need to check up on him online. What made you make an account and look him up?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): I’m the OP- aunty_bimbim I did not contact this woman that likes every single photo of him except the legs showing ones! Lol. He told me about her before so when I saw her account I noticed is her. She is seeking for some work connections and nothing is going on.
I won’t follow him on insta and doesn’t want to appear controlling. My concern is if he is still looking for attention otherwise why he needs to post such pictures, he is an adult. I am not going to ask him to remove them. I’m conservative but should accept who he is. Just wanted to hear if I’m overreacting. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Just because you don’t like topless photos doesn’t mean he shouldn’t take or post any. Lots of people post them when they’re on holiday OR when they are a photographer.
YOU created an account to check up on him. YOU don’t trust him. He hasn’t done anything (that you’ve told us about) to validate your mistrust.
Talk to him without blaming him, as he doesn’t appear to have done anything wrong yet. Photographers, amateur or professional, have to experiment with subjects, angles, lighting, etc. and that can include human subjects.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (9 January 2020):
 creative flair comes straight to my mind. From what you write there is nothing lewd of secretive about his actions. He hasn't told you because perhaps you haven't asked.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Not having a crystal ball I can't tell you why our boyfriend posted pics of himself topless, the only person who has the answer to your question is your boyfriend.
There is one comment in your question that puzzles me, you said you have already heard from one woman who liked one of his pictures and so know nothing is going on. How did she come to contact you, did you comment on his photos, enquiring who the likers were or did you contact them direct?
If your boyfriend is a photographer the legs photos and shampoo photos may have been him experimenting with different subjects and photography effects.
Ask him.
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