| A
female
,
*urrfectionist84
writes: Hey everyone,I'm hoping that the adults and parents out there can offer some advice...I am 21 years old, and my boyfriend is 24 years old. We'll be dating for a year as of Valentine's Day. We have a great relationship, and he treats me really well. I am very happy with him.The problem is that my parents seem to be opposed to me dating...in general. This is my first real relationship, since my last relationship was an online/long distance ordeal that lasted for 4 years. I am a senior in college (I'll be graduating in May), but I still live at home because I don't yet have the financial resources to move out. My parents are extremely controlling and overprotective. Just the other night, they told me that I must be home by 11 P.M. every night from now on--the time that a teenager in high school, with a junior driver's license, must be home! If I'm not home by 11, they're going to lock me out of the house, or so they say. It's completely ridiculous that I have a curfew at the age of 21, as a mature, responsible adult, but I'm afraid that if I don't follow their rules, they'll throw me out and I'll have trouble making ends meet (though I'd certainly be happier living on my own without being treated like a 13-year-old).Today, my mom threw a fit, saying that repeated (once or twice weekly) trips to my boyfriend's house have racked up the mileage on my car and caused my paint to become chipped from stones on the highway. I paid for my own car in full, and I pay for my own car insurance and gas, so I don't see what the problem is. Though my parents feel that my boyfriend's house is too far away, they want me to commute to graduate school next year, which will require traveling about the same distance as my boyfriend's house multiple times a week, on the same highway that I must take to get to his house. I think they're afraid of me moving out because then they could not exercise as much control over me. If I had the money, I'd move out tomorrow. I'm at my wit's end with my parents. My boyfriend and I both dislike when he comes over to my house because my parents don't allow us any privacy. We can't even have an innocent conversation without them breathing down our necks. They treat me like I'm still in middle school, and I'll be in graduate school next year!I guess it's relevant to mention that my mom is hung up on the fact that my boyfriend is Puerto Rican. (My family is White.)Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 January 2006):
 I don't think this is about your boyfriend as much as it's about your parents not wanting to let you grow up. It's time to sever the apron-springs. Do it after you graduate, but before you decide whether to go to grad school.
Reading between the lines, I get the impression that your parents have a lot more control over you than you even realise. For example, why are they insisting that you "commute to graduate school next year"? Have you decided that post-grad education is the path YOU want? Is this the school YOU want? Why can't you get a flat closer to campus?
The reason your folks aren't treating you like an adult is simply because you're still their daughter and you still live in their home. You've always been subject to their rules and you always will... however, it will always be harder to gain recognition if you don't step outside their sphere of influence and make your own place in the world.
Making ends meet? Phhhfft! Of course you will. You can get a part-time job (even at university), you can share accommodation, you get student assistance, you can consider selling your vehicle, you can reduce your expenditure. You can see a financial planner to help you make a realistic budget.
Living with your parents seems to have had the effect of undermining your confidence in yourself, but you can survive! It might mean sacrificing a few material goods for a while, but you gain pride and self-reliance while you prove that you can take care of yourself. A small price to pay.
Check around with other students. Check share-accommodation boards. Spread the word around that you're looking for somewhere inexpensive to live. Word travels fast and your friends are your best network.
As to your parents, well you'll always be their "little girl", but you shouldn't let that limit your options. Yes, they could "lock you out" if you don't meet their arbitrary rules, but that's pretty counterproductive, isn't it? If they throw you out, they've lost the very control they're trying to exert, right? So, that's not very likely to happen, but if you throw that in their faces you risk looking like a spoilt adolescent. Better always just to take the high road. It's time to ACT like an adult and start looking after yourself. Really. You'll find it's very liberating. And not only that, but you don't have to answer to anyone about seeing your boyfriend... which was the main question anyway, wasn't it?
I suggest you simply make plans to move out and THEN decide if you want to go to the grad school they've picked out for you. Or even decide if you want to go at all. Maybe you'd be better off getting a job instead, if you're worried about your financial survival. (For the record, when I left school, I managed to keep a roof over my head and keep myself fed... and I was only 16. If I can do it with a 10th Grade education, you can too.)
Don't give your folks too much advance warning, or they'll turn up the heat and guilt-tripping. Simply tell them that you love them and you think they've done a wonderful job helping you get ready for your life as an adult... and, oh, incidentally you'll be moving to XXX on Saturday morning.
Good luck and be strong!
|
