A
male
age
36-40,
*MWdrew21
writes:I'm a 25 year old gay male (if you hate me already, please move on and don't leave me mean messages!). I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. He is two years younger than I am. We fell in love at first sight and it was amazing and still is amazing at times. But he makes me feel like shit a lot of the time. He is always hanging out with this one "girlfriend" of his. It's weird because he only hangs out with one of these "girlfriends" at a time. He's been through 3 so far. He always has some sort of falling out with them and then moves on to the next. Anyway, since we've been together I have always felt that I have to fight to get time with him. The only way I got to see him a lot was to move in with him, and even then his "girlfriend" at the time was always over, or we were always hanging out with her. On our own, we were and still are pretty good together and I get along great with his friends. But I can't stand how he is always with this girl, and gets frustrated when I call him and he is with her, and will never stop what he is doing with her to hang out with me unless I really really beg and cry and make a big deal about it. I know if I told him to or asked him to cancel plans with her for me it would be a huge fight! It is causing tension between his "girlfriend" and myself. I get along great with her, but I know she is always around him when we are on the phone and fighting and hears how mean he talks to me, and how he always tells me that he will call me back and never does when he says he will, or it will be way later. She is always around him when I call, and he finds a reason to hang up within 5 minutes or less. We live 50 miles apart now, so talking on the phone is important to me. He works from 3-9pm and is with her before work, and after work until like 2AM, and then finally he calls me but then I am too tired to even talk to him and he is too. When we see each other and hang out alone, things are great until I bring up the fact that it's weird how he's always with a friend 24/7. And I know if I got in an argument with her b/c of her hogging my boyfriend he would side with her in an instant. When she is drunk she talks about issues in OUR relationship. It's like I' m dating both of them. He never admits that he does this, and never listens to me when I tell him that it is bugging me he just tells me that I am being dramatic and I complain all the time. Why does he always have to be around her? I treat him so great, and everyone tells him that I am a great boyfriend to him. Is he a user or people ? That's what I feel in my gut.
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (23 January 2012):
 It happens to us all sweetie; don’t beat yourself up over it. In past relationships I have found that if I liked the guy a lot, he would eventually treat me like I was an inconvenience. My husband tried to get me to go out with him for 7 years, before I finally said yes. I wasn’t really interested because he was 1. he was married, and 2. he was not my type. But in the end, when his relationship ended, I finally gave him a chance. I think it works because although I love him, he knows I can live without him and I would kick his arse if he ever tried to hurt me. It kind of works because I am not obsessed with him, hope that makes sense?? xxx
A
male
reader, BMWdrew21 +, writes (18 January 2012):
BMWdrew21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe and him are not romantically involved. She's not his type, plus she's a girl. On a gay scale of 1-10, he is definatley a 10. But I see what you are saying - I guess he just likes hanging around her. She buys him weed, drives him around when he needs to, and has helped him get a little job at a fast food place. All of these things I used to do, plus I made a lot of money while we were living together and kind of spoiled us a little too much maybe. Now I know it does not take $ to keep him or us happy thank god. Now I just live too far to keep doing stuff like that and it seems like she is my replacement in a lot of ways =( Thank you Tellulah - I really do need to stop being so clingy. We did live together, for about 3 years but two years ago my father passed away and I moved in with my mom and little brother who was 11 at the time.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 January 2012):
 Regardless of your sexual preference.... your query is the same as so many others that we see herein... i.e.: "I have a (partner) who treats me like crap.... how can I get him/her to stop treating me like crap?"
The short answer is that YOU CANNOT FORCE a (your) partner to be nice to you if they are not going to be nice on the basis of their own initiative (behaviour)!!!!!
The only "question," in such a case, is: How long do you intend to put up with unacceptable treatment/behaviour before you decide that you've had enough and will part ways with this person?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (18 January 2012):
I dont think he is using you hun, but he obviously values his friendships...until he gets bored! He hasnt got bored with you though, so you must be important to him. Try to relax about it, and not keep getting yourself worked up! After all you said yourself, when he gets fed up with them, he finds a new one. I would be laughing to myself in your shoes, because if he gets a GF and she is a bitch to you, you know she wont be around long anyway. I dont know what it is about some of us straight girls, that do love a nice gay man! I think its because we feel safe. Try not to live your life waiting for some free time with him, and go out without him. If he see's you are not so dependant, he might stop acting like a bitch towards you. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): Hi there,
I think you deserve better... it doesn't matter what your sexual orientation or lifestyle is, nobody should be treated badly. When you say your boyfriend "makes me feel like shit a lot of the time" it's clear that you are not being respected.
6 years is a long time to invest in a relationship, so you need to decide if the status quo is acceptable, or whether you need to change it, or move on. As Dr Phil says, we get what we allow, so if you don't allow him to disrespect you, it will either change the dynamics, or you will find someone who treats you the way you should be. Everyone else acknowledges what a great boyfriend you are, so you should have the same back!
The amount of time he is spending with this "girlfriend" is extreme, whether it's just platonic or more, there must be balance, and there has to be boundaries.
You said it's still amazing at times, so for the sake of those amazing times, and the feelings you have invested, I would have an open, honest discussion with him about how you feel. Find a time when it suits you both, where you are both relaxed, and then share everything about how you feel, in yourself, about him, the past 6 years, and the future. Share what hurts, what makes you feel bad, how you feel about the girlfriend who is always in the picture, and make sure it's all about how YOU FEEL, so that he doesn't get defensive. Your feelings are real, and must be validated, especially if he cares about you.
I wonder if he is "out" or hides that he is gay? If he is not out, that would explain the "girlfriends" he has. Otherwise, is he maybe bi? It's a bit much spending 24/7 with a girl, and ignoring you or dismissing you when you do call. Or have to fight to have some attention and time alone together. That is why you need to determine if that is the case, and whether you accept that or not. Set a boundary about that, for your own sanity, and protection.
If you are 25 and he is 2 years younger, there is much growth and development to take place yet. You're both still young and discovering yourselves and relationships.
It's definitely damaging the relationship, and your trust in him, that when you do discuss the amount of time he spends with her, he will argue or you feel if you had a fight about it, he would side with her. This does not bode well. He should have your back. He should want to be with you, it should be mutual.
The fact he has said you are dramatic and complain - we can work with that. The dramatic part is who you are, how you express yourself, and unless it's over the top, should not necessarily be a negative thing. The complain part is justified because you have much to complain about - he is spending his time with her, and not giving you the attention and time you crave and need.
Perhaps you need to focus on YOU - your life, hobbies and interests, and become independent so that you are not dependent on him for your happiness. Draw up a plan of your short term, medium term and long term goals in all spheres of your life. Your studies and career, your physical/exercise, your spiritual, your relationships with family and friends, etc. Find what you are passionate about, and enrol in courses, and classes, and grow and discover yourself more. While you are pursuing those things, you will have lots of fun interesting things to share with him, and you may realise you either want to continue being with him but with some changes, or you may move on and find someone who treats you as you deserve.
I wish you happiness and the love you deserve!
Best Wishes
xxxx E
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2012):
 You put "girlfriend" in quotes in a way that suggests they are playing at being boyfriend/girlfriend. Could it be your longtime boyfriend is bi, and has a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time?
My observation on this is that you two got together when he was fairly young, 17 and you weren't much older at 19. Maybe he's exploring other parts of himself that went on the back-burner when you two got involved?
He is always around her because he WANTS to be around her. If you two have been together for 6 years, how is it that you aren't living together? I'm not asking to be mean, I'm asking how this close relationship became more long-distance and established more distance between you.
Could it be that he is withdrawing from the relationship and you just aren't seeing it? You are hanging on for dear life and he's actually seeing these "girlfriends"? Or you're hanging on for dear life and he's just not as interested in nurturing your relationship as he is? Maybe he's bored, maybe his feelings for you have faded, maybe we can guess all day.
I think it's time for a real heart-to-heart with him. You may hear some uncomfortable things, but I think it's time for you to do a relationship reality check.
If you feel he is using you, find out by asking him. Go see him and figure it out, try to be open and listen, rather than apply the filter of 'you are mine and we'll always be together'....
Good luck.
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