A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why is she being like this?My fiance and i are both nearly 30 and have been together for a number of years and live together in our own home. The problem is that his mum appears to have trouble letting go although she still has children at home. For the last few birthdays I have ordered his cake and informed his mum that i have done so and that she didn't need to, that was fine then we got ready to leave she disappeared and returned with a second birthday cake. Its the same at christmas i like to order the food etc but she then goes and buys the same for him and when he visits her she sends him home with cooked food. i want our relationship to work out but i can't go on like this. My fiance won't say anything to her and instead ends up eating 2 of everything. Can you tell me how i can put it to her that she has to stop this as it is upsetting especially when i already tell her that i have ordered the cake/turkey etc and then she goes and delib. orders a second one. His mum and i do get on or so i think but when she does these kinds of things it makes me wonder if she wants me and my fiance to be together. Please tell me how i can go about asking her to stop without hurting her feelings.
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male
reader, Shortacid  +, writes (3 July 2007):
 A person I knew had a really over protective mother some what like that. If she is the type of mom I am thinking of, you won't be able to convince her, like bring a horse to water, but you can't make her drink. She loves her son, nothing is too good for him, she is looking out for his best interests, and she will fight you to the death on that one. Even explaining that is primarily what you will do (basically usurping her position) will not help, but possibly make her stick to her guns more.
The only person that can tell her a lick of difference is your fiancé. He has to let his mother know he is a grown man and despite loving her deeply and appreciating everything she has done for him, he needs to space to and create his own family (mentioning which she will be apart of.)She will be hurt (I could only imagine) however, in time she will get over it.
I would say be incredibly forward on the matter, saying how its is upsetting and undermining to you as his fiancée and your efforts. Mention exactly how it makes you feel, because as a man, I can say I like others are completely oblivious to the complexity of different emotions and only see generalized ones.
P.s. Your soon-to-be mother-in-law might not be your biggest fan for a while. Just smile and "eat whatever she dishes out."
A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (2 July 2007):
 Can you sit down with her and explain how you feel. Maybe you can come up with a compromise. Like one of you does the cake the other the food then swap?? She may see you as stealing her son away, which sounds quite silly for his and your age but as a mummy-to-be I'm trying to think like a mummy.
She may feel that you are treading on her toes, even though you have been together for years. Don't have an argument with her, just sit down and talk over a cup of coffee. It's probably better coming from your than your partner anyway.
It may hurt her feelings you telling her to stop but it's either that or this continuing. You have to get tough sometimes :)
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